There are down days, then there are Aprilynne down days...

I'm in such a, bad way? I don't even think I am though. That is the worst part, I don't know how bad I am. I don't think I'm bad, but everyone else seems to... My teachers are concerned, my friends are concerned, and my family doesn't even notice because they all think I'm either crazy already or "Not ill, just different" My friend Amalie, she thinks that Ana is causing the problems, she said to me today that Ana was killing me, that Ana wasn't good for me, that when I was in a better place a while back I made her promise that she would help me stay away from Ana... I can't remember making her promise this, I can't remember much, but I think I'd remember that... Wouldn't you? Ana isn't killing me, I'm just not so well right now, that's all I have to tell myself whenever the pains come or the flashbacks come from painful distant memories of bad times or a happier me... Ana isn't killing me, she's making me stronger and more beautiful every day I do as she says... The voices are getting worse, they're getting louder and cruel-er so much so that in my English lesson this morning with the teacher that Ana likes taking the form of, I started crying. People thought it was over the wasp in the room, but it wasn't, I mean yeah, I am shit scared of wasps but frankly this sort of crying was full-blown waterworks. That isn't me. Or is it? I can't remember what me is really, I haven't been me in such a long time that if I ever got back to me, I wouldn't even know I was there! It sucks man :/ I just feel so crap when I'm in these moods, like I can't hack life or something, like this life isn't worth all the trouble I put into it... Like it would be so much easier to just top myself and be done with it. There are so many different ways I could do it... I could be dramatic about it and go for the full on suicide scene, or I could throw myself into a train or something simple and effective like that... This sounds ridiculous, to think like this, when people have such harder lives than me out there, but actually, I can tell people are getting pissed off with my constant down moods and not wanting to actually care about anything but focusing on myself, if only they knew how much it hurts... How much everything is hurting, how much pain my head is in every time someone talks to me, every time I get a little less sleep every night, every time people laugh I just want to smack them, because they're laughing at stupid little things like I used to do constantly, I used to be the happiest person I know and now all I can focus on is the pain that is constantly there, the voices that are always lingering in my mind, and the irritation in peoples eyes when they see what I have become... I don't want to disappoint them but maybe my dying would be the Only way for them to live, or something like that? Maybe for me to every be truly free from voices and pain and hurting friends is to free myself, to become one with the trees and the waves, to become just a spirit lingering in Summerland waiting for my next re-incarnation or waiting for my loved one to come so we can pass over together and truly be free from any ties of this world. Sorry for burdening you guys, I just needed to get it off my chest, and if I say it to my friends it sounds like I'm just making everything about me as always, I'm sick of having them think like that of me, but I don't know what to do to stop it, plus, they all think I'm self absorbed anyway, why not let them live in their own illusions, at least for a little while longer, until it all becomes too much and I just scream at someone. Thanks guys I really appreciate the fact I can put these things on here without being judged <3