Misplaced thoughts...

So, the last post I did was about this strange happiness I had succumbed to that day, but today's post will be a bit more depressing and thoughtful, there will be a lot of questioning things and wondering and doubting. So for that, I am sorry... Why on earth would I jump into these things now? I'm going to be vague again, but let you in on a secret, I'm with someone. But that's just the problem, I have realised why I wasn't with someone before now, well, one of the reasons anyway... I have such terrible commitment issues, they actually make me push people away, and I cannot do that to this person because I actually love them. I mean I value their friendship too much to want to ever push them away, but I don't know what to do, because its not that I don't want to be with them, its that I don't want to fuck things up, and I ALWAYS do. Always. Me and relationships go together as much as eating thin soup with a fork do. That's not to all you people that don't understand my little town talk... What do I do?! AND on top of this worry, Its been two months-ish since my holiday, and I'm scared that this lump forming on my stomach isn't just fat that needs to be burned off... I mean I'm constantly hungry, but I fight those urges to eat a lot of the time, not all of it because I feel ill if I don't eat, but then I feel ill anyway! I was actually sick today and stuff, and I've been feeling ill for ages really, I'm tired and my temperature fluctuates constantly, my hair is falling out for fucks sake. No matter what anyone tells me the rate my hair is falling out is not normal. I'm actually shit scared, what am I going to do if it is a child, or something worse?! I can't bring up a child right now, I couldn't give it the life it deserved and I'd be made to get rid of it or give it up and then I'd be a wreck. Oh, what is wrong with me -.- why would I get myself into these things? Gahh, things are so fucked up. I might just stay to myself these next few days, I might just sit there with some sort of headphones in and a book or something and then I'll just block out all my friends for a while, I'll try to read again, I'll try to just become a loner, I can't deal with people, but I don't want to hurt them... Which is why me being loner-ish won't come as a surprise to them. I used to be such a loner, and now I'm not as much of one, but If I go back to those ways, they will have to deal with it. Because I'm doing it for myself and them really, because if I don't go near them, I won't lash out at them... And I'm having these mood swings where I just get sick of my friends a lot of the time now... Its not fair on them or me :/ Anyway, I'm off, I'm only supposed to be on here for homework... Goodbye my gorgeous bloggers <3