Sunday, 23 October 2011

Just this fake smile plastered to the wall.

So I'm just sat here, preparing myself for the inevitable pain of the exercise I'm about to do, of the things I'm going to have to do to keep my sins from going un-punished and listening to songs from Moulin Rouge. I'm so depressive on Sundays, because I know that Sunday is the day of reflection of all the bad things I have done and a day of looking terrible at myself because I know that I'm going to make the same mistakes again and feel this way next week. I need to stop being terrible to myself, I know that, and I know I should stop feeling bad when other people are feeling bad about what they think I'm doing to myself... Its a nasty thing to say, but if I want to "destroy myself" as they say, then, in the end, its my choice right? would you give up your way of life because someone told you they didn't like it? because I'm not sure right now, in this really huge state that I would... I've had to cut my nails right down and like buff them and polish them and such, just so my nails don't start cutting into my skin again. Because I've lost my blade, so I don't have anything to make the pain and relief that I need right now, and my nails leave OBVIOUS marks that don't heal so well, because I don't heal so well, I have cuts that haven't healed from like 6 months ago, I really should get it looked at or something, but I can't bring myself to, because then the doctor will ask me questions about the suspicious looking marks on my body, and where I got them... And I don't want to tell them, so I'll just hope that they heal eventually and such. Eugh, I'm going to go and like shoot myself now xD and then weigh myself and then hang myself, Its been nice knowing you guys, because if this scale is Any more than like a 2 pound fluctuation (because apparently that's what your body likes doing, it likes adding or taking two pounds off you daily so you keep the same weight or something) then I am actually going to sit down, cry, find a blade, and make nice new fresh marks on my skin, just to get away for a while... I Love You Guys <3 
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6 comments:

  1. tori-maki23 October 2011 at 17:14

    I hate weight fluctuation....stay strong, sweetie <3

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  2. sylvie23 October 2011 at 21:11

    ugh. my weight fluctuated today because of all the water I drank. dammit bloat :( it sucks. I always get the Sunday blues, so I try planning things to keep them from happening. I usually watch movies or go to the beach. Maybe you can make a scrapbook or make jewelry or something like that. It could be fun!

    anyway dear, I hope things get better. stay strong <3
    xxP

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  3. Depressed Skinny Mess.24 October 2011 at 08:53

    Weight fluctuation won't last forever, you can work it off :( Don't hurt yourself sweetie :( I know what you mean about cutting helps though..so i can't blame you, i do the same, stay strong beautiful, you have lots of support xx

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  4. Jessie.24 October 2011 at 08:55

    I think the 2 pounds things is just a general average, it can be less or more depending on your body and what you've put into it and all that.
    Go do something fun, get your mind off stuff. :)

    < 3

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  5. Cryotaneko24 October 2011 at 10:19

    Hope you don't need that blade. And I love Moulin Rouge music! <3 I always listen to it. Mainly Tango De Roxanne (spelling? haha). Stay strong :3 xoxo

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  6. Anonymous25 October 2011 at 19:18

    I hope the scale isnt too bad. Cutting is so addicting. I always feel proud yet ashamed of my scars and fresh cuts. Be safe and stay strong! <3

    ReplyDelete

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