Something old, nothing new...

Do you know that feeling you get when you're reconnecting with someone? An old friend, an ex, a long lost family member, or pet (whatever floats your boat I suppose, if you can connect with your pets) Its a strange feeling like, I don't know, like you're finally getting closure on the friendship or something... Well I hate that feeling. It just proves how many people I push away, and this constant rate of friends to friendless is getting higher, (This part makes no sense, I just got sick of having that sentence running round my head) I've decided to get back on my full Ana track... I know I've said this before, but lets face it, I was in a bad place then, I just wanted to fucking eat all the time like the pig I am... Now I mean it. Starting tomorrow I'm going to literally eat nothing but what I'm made to eat. I WILL Be gorgeous and strong and amazing by the time college comes around. I want people to look at me and think, Wow, she's so thin, I want them to look at me with envy and to have friends that are secretly jealous of my body, to have people come up to me and ask me what my secret is... I'd never tell anyone else about Ana, if they want her they have to find her themselves, that's not my decision to make for them, is it? I'm in so much pain at the moment, I feel like literally cutting myself to relieve some of the tension and stress and Pain! It's so bad, I can actually sort of feel the knife cutting into me, stabbing me, hurting me... Its all along that place just below your ribcage, and I feel like hell, but I'm taking the pain as an empty stomach, so I'm trying to think of it in a good way, I know that's not what it is at all, but I don't want to think about the other possibilities... Today was a decent day, I binged on dorito's because my friends were there and I thought fuck it, I'ma go home and do much much exercise anyway, I'm allowed one day a month where I can pig to the extreme and it won't affect my progress, even though Ana was screaming at me all the way through eating... I hate it when she does that, just yells at me, screams and shouts insults, I know she does it to help me, to make me realise what I'm doing is wrong... But right now, I'm too fragile for all the yelling at me, I just keep snapping at my friends, they just irritate me so much right now, especially that one I told you about in the last post... She's such a moaning cow, one set of rules for her and her moaning, another for the rest of us -.- That fucks me off. Big time. But yeah, I'm not going to have a rant today, I need to go lie down, the knife scraping my stomach is tearing off the insides now, painful as. Love you guys <3