I screwed up...

I know I haven't wrote to you guys in a few days, but the tragic fact is that I had nothing to write about, I've been staying at my nan's house all week because my bathroom is being re-done and my mother doesn't trust me to stay anywhere else. And I've pretty much been eating a normal amount, I feel a bit sick every time I do eat, but to make my nan think I'm okay is going to take some work, I don't know why she still thinks I'm "Not well" (Maybe she secretly knows about you O.o) But its really irritating, she always brings up sarcastic comments and digs at me as to my eating status... But yeah, I've pretty much been sleeping through the days, and staying awake at night talking to my beautiful best friend :3 and whenever I am up in the day time (Like now) I do a bit of my homework that I should have started like Last week... So yeah, have you lot had an eventful week? Is it half term where you are or are you lot in school ;D ? Let me know <3

Up a Creek without a paddle...

Do you know that feeling you get, when your world is crumbling beneath you, and you have No way of stopping it, because anything you do will just make everything so much worse, that feeling where no one understands or wants to listen to the truth, they just believe what they want to, what they've been told? Yeah, I invented this feeling. My brother is the biggest BITCH in the world. Literally, he may be a lad, technically, but mentally he is the biggest nastiest pettiest person I've met. I know a lot of people hate their siblings, but this is a very deep, underlying hate I have for him, one that can Never be got rid of no matter how much people try to change... People don't change, they just learn to mask things better. Eugh, what's that very accurate saying...Oh yeah, "I'm up the creek without a paddle" But in this case the creek is a very wide, deep, harsh currented river that ends in a waterfall with deathly rocks below and I have nothing to hold onto... And now I have to go and do homework, All night long, that's all I'm going to be doing, Exam Prep and Homework. fun night ahead right!? Yeah, I thought so too... <3 

Screaming To Stop...

Oh My God. I need help! I thought I could do this by myself and with a bit of thinspiration and stuff, but I cant :/ its so hard when everyone I love is against this lifestyle... I don't know where to turn or what to do, I feel like every time I pass a mirror everything inside me is just going to scream at me to just stop living! Its Torture! I could cry, I'm just so...Huge -.- And it doesn't help that everyone lies to me, "Oh yeah, you're gorgeous, you aren't fat, you shouldn't change a thing" Yeah, right, go fuck yourselves liars. How DARE you comment on my past compulsive liar-ness and then go and do it right in front of me! I thought you guys wanted me to be okay? Well, I can't be okay with who I am now. I can't do it. Its wrong. I'm F.A.T. I cringe at myself sometimes, completely cringe at my reflection, my webcam image, my thoughts. Its all disgusting. I won't fit into a prom dress at this rate! I won't fit into a bridesmaids dress either. Hell, I won't fit into my clothes! I just want to go jump off a bridge somewhere, or just overdose, some painful death that will show me the error of my ways! I'm disgusting, I'm worthless and its no wonder my father left me. Sorry, for ranting, but somebody's got to understand how I feel on here!? right? Can't Anybody help me, I was doing so well, and then, BAM all my hard work was gone :/ Love you guys <3

A girl has got to eat... Pahha, No. She doesn't.

I decided that today, I was going to eat all the nice foods in my house to remind myself what they tasted of, then throw them away, and forget about of them. It was a binge like no other. It was horrendous. I felt physically sick after eating just one bite, but I had to continue, like something terrible was forcing me to! I literally threw up several times afterwards, just to make sure I got some of that stuff back out of me. Turns out I'm not going to my nanny's for the week today, it starts tomorrow. So its not that long I suppose... I just need to make sure I go out a lot of the time and not eat and such and I shall be fine :L "one day I'll fly away" <<< If only, if only I could fly away, just, work off some of my thoughts, or some of my fat, or anything! I just want to escape, so I went to the hills tonight, with my bestest friend ever. She always seems to be there for me, even when times are tough for her, which is why I admire her so much, even if it sounds creepy and all... Sorry, my thoughts are a bit jumbled today, I think all that fat is like clogging the brain in my head or something, because its certainly clogging my arteries. Eugh, sometimes I really wish I had a faster metabolism, so it wouldn't be quite so easy to put on weight and such... I'ma go and do more exercise now, its only fair to my body that I start to try and get this weight off from today, just walking and doing the normal amount of exercise isn't enough today... I love you guys, I'm moving with the wind, things are changing... <3 

Just this fake smile plastered to the wall.

So I'm just sat here, preparing myself for the inevitable pain of the exercise I'm about to do, of the things I'm going to have to do to keep my sins from going un-punished and listening to songs from Moulin Rouge. I'm so depressive on Sundays, because I know that Sunday is the day of reflection of all the bad things I have done and a day of looking terrible at myself because I know that I'm going to make the same mistakes again and feel this way next week. I need to stop being terrible to myself, I know that, and I know I should stop feeling bad when other people are feeling bad about what they think I'm doing to myself... Its a nasty thing to say, but if I want to "destroy myself" as they say, then, in the end, its my choice right? would you give up your way of life because someone told you they didn't like it? because I'm not sure right now, in this really huge state that I would... I've had to cut my nails right down and like buff them and polish them and such, just so my nails don't start cutting into my skin again. Because I've lost my blade, so I don't have anything to make the pain and relief that I need right now, and my nails leave OBVIOUS marks that don't heal so well, because I don't heal so well, I have cuts that haven't healed from like 6 months ago, I really should get it looked at or something, but I can't bring myself to, because then the doctor will ask me questions about the suspicious looking marks on my body, and where I got them... And I don't want to tell them, so I'll just hope that they heal eventually and such. Eugh, I'm going to go and like shoot myself now xD and then weigh myself and then hang myself, Its been nice knowing you guys, because if this scale is Any more than like a 2 pound fluctuation (because apparently that's what your body likes doing, it likes adding or taking two pounds off you daily so you keep the same weight or something) then I am actually going to sit down, cry, find a blade, and make nice new fresh marks on my skin, just to get away for a while... I Love You Guys <3 

You're just like me!

Its INSANE how unreal I felt yesterday, it was like I was ethereal or something on par with angelic-ness. I smiled like a lot of the day, and then for a bit everyone was in a bit of a depressive state that sort of rubbed off on me, and then I went home and got my stuff to stay at a friends and I came back out in a happy mood, which was good :) I literally felt as light as anything, which is funny because I'm fat... Eugh, that could have been the alcohol though, not sure... However, I remember quite a lot considering I drank the most, and had nothing in my stomach to help anything :L I mean, who drinks a vodka and coke in the morning along with a Martini and a tequila sunrise, then Caribbean twist or something like that and strongbow (which was disgusting, but it didn't stop me drinking like most of the large bottle of it :L) and doesn't eat anything but a penguin? Obviously me, but at least I can remember a lot... Oh I'm just a little bit foolish. But who the fuck cares really? I'm allowed to lash out and do these things, I'm being a "Normal Teenager" the way people are always praying I'll turn out. So who are they to tell me I can't be like that :L ? I'm going to tell you things on here, that might (probably won't) shock you! Because I can, and if you didn't have as much of an eventful night as I did, you might want some sort of gossip that you can never tell ;D Right, so yeah, I had barely eaten for three days before last night, I had only eaten the bare minimum that I could get away with eating and that wouldn't make people look at me suspiciously, hence the penguin (its full of calories and chocolatey shit. And I wasn't in a particularly good mood when I woke up in the morning, hence all the alcohol for breakfast, (Yes, I know I am a lightweight, but at least I didn't get drunk after the alcohol for breakfast and had to have more before I was out of it :L) And it took everyone like ten years to get out of their beds and such, so yeah, but at least I made myself look really pretty yesterday, I'm trying out different styles of make-up since there's only like 9 days left until Samhain and I LOVE looking amazing on that day :3 Anyway! when we finally did go out it was all fine, but there was still some tension in the group and then later on we got some other person out that made my "friend with benefits" (I love that phrase) get a bit awkward and irritated, but they dealt with it fine, and we also ran into an old friend (ex) of mine and his friend at a skate park whilst hiding out from all the chavs setting fireworks off and all the police chasing off the chavs who were setting off the fireworks. It was a little... strange, but whatever. And we all went to this little bridge thing where this little group always seems to gather when there is alcohol involved ;D its out of the way and not as easy to spot us if people come up the road or something. And yeah, my "old friend" (Please excuse all the punctuation, its rather hard not to use names and such, I'm having to substitute xD) Smelled like Really Good, to me anyway, he could have smelt terrible, but if he did, then I'm blaming it on the alcohol. Simple as. But yeah, I found myself like smelling him (because I'm really not a frightened drunk, I'm a rather horny, amusing, confident drunk actually) and yeah, so I smelt the poor person and like hugged him and such, and found myself like wanting to go on a walk, they wouldn't let me because they were afraid I would fall, and I think I did at one point when I got past them because I have a huge hole in the front of my only decent pair of jeans :L but this really nice smelling friend came and like saved me and such, because they wouldn't let me walk too far and all, afraid for me or something :L and I Refused to go back to the others until he kissed me, I told you, I'm not a scared drunk at all. And then HE apologised to ME for being a right dick when we were going out and such, because he was, and I was like Aww! what an actual cutie :3The worst thing is about this person, is that he really isn't that attractive you know, but for some reason, I really don't know what that reason is, I seem to find myself craving the attention off him, like I really want him to notice me... Its crazy :L and then because they wouldn't let me off the bridge again, I went on another walk up a hill instead :) (I'm also a very active person, drunk or otherwise, so its natural I'm not going to want to be a lazy shit and sit down) and once again my friend followed, but by this time I'd drunk more, and I was ready for anything sprung at me, and yeah, there was more kissing, and then after more of that stuff, we went back to the friends house we were staying at, and me being me, I wanted food. But lets face it, I hadn't eaten for like... Ever! and I was running on alcohol, which isn't good, because I had no dignity. And I lay down with my friend because he smelt SO much better than anyone else did... Apart from maybe the "friend with benefits" because they always smell gorgeous, and then, he starts like tickling me (and I'm INSANELY ticklish, like squirming everywhere type stuff) but he was then there like groping me and such, but me being the fricken slag I am, just lies there, and lets face it, any person who tickles me behind my knees and on my neck and the bottom of my back pretty much have me, (yeah, I totally haven't just told you my main turn on spots :L) but yeah, he already knew these somehow, so he was there like tickling me and I was just there being the horny fucker I am like, "Hello ;D" casually being pulled in closer by the friend and I felt sort of possessed, like I was their property, it was a strange but... decent feeling xD that makes me sound SO slaggish, but whatever, so does the rest of this stuff... wow this is long winded, sorry guys, anyway, back to it. so then my "lover" (love that word to ;D ) comes down and joins us in the sleeping bag, and he's just there like groping me, and I'm just there casually getting off with the lover, hoping they don't feel the fact I'm being "felt up" by this ex. and then they were both there, like trying to get more than the other, It was like I was being used, in a good way though :L and the night pretty much went on like that, and I ended up falling asleep cradled by ex, thinking of lover whilst still being groped, and yet, I only got an hours sleep... Then the pizza came and everyone got so much more rowdy ;D then we got tired and slept for another hour or so, then woke up, and I'm only just remembering most of this, its a bit... disturbing to think that I actually don't give one when I'm drunk :L anyway, just thought you'd all like to know xD Plus, I need it written down somewhere, for future reference or something? <3

In my Utopia

So, I went a whole day in a little bubble of hell. Because I couldn't talk to her. And then I get home and we start talking again, we apologize, we laugh, we (apparently) cry, we do everything that we would normally do, with just a hint of awkwardness. And then I do my make-up like some sort of vampire. I'm getting my preparations ready for my ritual on All Hallows Eve or Samhain. I'm so excited for it, and my make-up is so flamboyant and over the top that it would look tacky and shit, but it doesn't, because its a thanking for my goddess, I'm embracing and enhancing the beauty she gave me, I'm giving thanks in a way that someone with her untimely beauty would understand :3 I'm so excited for my ritual, I mean, Samhain is a night of power and exuberance and I get to revel in it! O me, (to quote Romeo) Its all too much to take in :) I feel really happy and gorgeous right now, even if I am borderline tacky... I love you all, I'm glad you helped make me feel better <3 

Though nothing, would keep us together...

I wish, I wish that I could turn back time, if I could, then maybe things would be different... Maybe things would be better between us, simpler even? I don't mean that I don't love you now, but... If things were simple, you wouldn't know half as much as you do, and you wouldn't hate me. I wouldn't have fucked things up royally with you if things were simple still. "I stare at my reflection in the mirror (eugh) why am I doing this to myself" I love that line of the song. It just makes me... Believe that someone else knows how I feel, even if You cannot comprehend it. Even if you don't wish to know about it... I had my first interview today for a college :) I was so excited, I just wanted to tell you all about it, I wanted to call you, I wanted to talk to you in school, All day, but, I couldn't because you hate me, and there's nothing I  can do about that, you don't want to know about the silly little things I get excited about, like colleges (and how big the library was) and how many followers I have on my blog (Yes, I actually get excited about that number, it is sad, but true) Because the silly little things, they cause you too much pain :/ And I am sorry about that, but what can I do? you've made it pretty clear you don't want to know me anymore, because I'm not me in your opinion. I'm an, empty shell that is just filled with Ana, there's no Me there in your eyes. Look at me, typing as if you're actually reading this, as if you actually want to read a word of this anymore, I'm so pathetic, I just wish I could talk to you... I wish I could make you see that I AM still me, no matter how much it may seem like I change, like I'm not the person you love anymore, because I'm not as good at hiding things now, because I don't act all happy and bubbly all the fricken time, because I don't try and give advice anymore, I can't help that, why is it that everyone else is allowed to progress and change in themselves, but you want me to stay as I am, you want me to stay as I was sorry. Change is Nature! If I don't change, then, I'm stuck. And its not fair that you're making me feel this way because you disagree with what I'm doing. If you really loved me, or even liked me as a best friend should, then you shouldn't try and change me, you should accept me, or else, what does that say about our friendship?! I'm so confused :/ sorry about this guys, I'm just saying what I wish I could say to her... <3 

You need to quit talking!

Yes dearest counsellor, this is aimed at me. Because of you. Why ask me many many questions that I don't want to answer, just to trick an answer out of me that you shouldn't have heard?! Its not fair, you always do it. You'd think I'd be better at keeping myself in check and stuff, but I'm not... I just get so irritated at things and then you will say something wrong and it will need to be corrected. And that's when you get your answer. I just need to stop talking, really. It seems every time I talk I offend someone else or say something I shouldn't have! And the worst thing is, is that I don't realise what I do until its too late. And this is why I should just be a secluded person, I should just walk around on my own in school, keep to myself, stop offending people with words that wouldn't offend me, never leave my house apart from in exercising matters and when necessary. This is what I'm going to do now. I'm going to push everyone I love in my life away from me. I'm going to punish myself for what I've done. Just so I don't hurt them anymore, because lets face it, no matter if the things I say are bad or not, my friends get pissed at me anyway, which is just what I try to make them not do. Eugh, its been a crap day. It really has, and I'm just glad that my friends have stopped asking how I am, and what's wrong. They just gave up I suppose, or got mad with the fact my answer was either, "No, not really" or "Yeah, I'm just dandy" with some fake ass smile... They're distancing themselves from me, which is just what I want. Just what they should be doing, they should leave me be so I don't hurt them anymore. I wish it was this simple in reality, I could just tell them to leave me alone and they would all just go "Okay." But they won't, well, maybe some will, but others will either yell or go, "Hah not a chance" << One person in particular springs to mind with that reply -.-  I hope y'all had a nice day, terrible weather isn't it?! so long <3 

Nothing changes...

Things haven't changed with me, will they ever? What is the point of even asking these questions when I think I know the answer...Hope? Nope, I've lost it all, there's no need for hope in a world that chooses everything for you. But my weekend has been, fun. And that's good, because the days I have true fun are few and far between. But this weekend, Friday night at least was one of those rare occasions, and yeah... I think I still have a mark on my back though, (I'm milking all the sympathy I can get out of this mark, because it shows where someone stabbed me in the back, with a key, not even something sharp -.-) Between you and me, it doesn't hurt that much, just a little snag, like that sort of relief pain you get when you make little cuttings on your hip bones. But yeah, I was out with my friends on Friday (Some of them anyway) unfortunately for all the people that would like to think so, I do have more than four friends... And then I went to my nanny's house yesterday, and have just come back, I feel... Fat. To put it bluntly. Nothing changes when I visit relatives, they always ask the same questions, "Are you eating?" Yes nan. "How much are you eating, a biscuit a day isn't enough you know!" Yes nan, I know, I'm eating okay? "Are you sure?" No, I'm lying to you, I have no brain, I can't be sure that I'm having food stuck down my throat and feeling guilty about it every time it gets swallowed. I love my family dearly, I really do, but they ask stupid questions. And to make it worse, I was up all night, I woke up this morning, came downstairs when my nan and grandad were still in bed and there were two builder people working on her garden. I was in my underwear. Not good. -.- People should tell me these things before I go to bed, so I know not to walk around without clothes on... Though, one wasn't too bad looking, he was blonde though, so I wouldn't go for him :L I'm fussy like that. She fattens me up does my nan. She incessantly feeds me, there is always food there next to me, and if its not eaten she gets concerned, not even joking, I get half an hour on each foody thing she puts next to me. Gahh, and now its a roast dinner for tea, I'm going to have to do some sort of fast this next week, nothing will past my lips but the bare minimum. Enjoy the rest of your evenings guys <3 

Sing along to my stereo...

Today was my best friends birthday :D Happy Birthday My Darling <3 I tried going the whole day without gorming out on her and I did it. I tried going the whole day without letting her see any signs of pain on my face, and I did it. I tried letting her go the whole day with nothing to bring that smile off her face, and I think it happened, but what can I do if it didn't I did all I could (even though she nearly sat on my present :P ) I was quite impressed with myself actually, not to make this day all about me, but I don't think I did anything that ruined her day which makes me happy :) I think I've found a way to conceal everything from everyone, to stop them thinking I need help, to stop them trying to help me, to stop them trying to make me think that what I'm doing is wrong... I just stick on a smile and act crazy, I act like I don't want to talk to them about anything serious. I just want to talk to them about things that are light and carefree if they are about me. A convincing smile is all it takes for the people of this town, counsellors and all, to think I'm fine... Lets just hope I can be convincing enough eh? I'm off to watch Moulin Rouge now :') Adiós my pretties <3

There are down days, then there are Aprilynne down days...

I'm in such a, bad way? I don't even think I am though. That is the worst part, I don't know how bad I am. I don't think I'm bad, but everyone else seems to... My teachers are concerned, my friends are concerned, and my family doesn't even notice because they all think I'm either crazy already or "Not ill, just different" My friend Amalie, she thinks that Ana is causing the problems, she said to me today that Ana was killing me, that Ana wasn't good for me, that when I was in a better place a while back I made her promise that she would help me stay away from Ana... I can't remember making her promise this, I can't remember much, but I think I'd remember that... Wouldn't you? Ana isn't killing me, I'm just not so well right now, that's all I have to tell myself whenever the pains come or the flashbacks come from painful distant memories of bad times or a happier me... Ana isn't killing me, she's making me stronger and more beautiful every day I do as she says... The voices are getting worse, they're getting louder and cruel-er so much so that in my English lesson this morning with the teacher that Ana likes taking the form of, I started crying. People thought it was over the wasp in the room, but it wasn't, I mean yeah, I am shit scared of wasps but frankly this sort of crying was full-blown waterworks. That isn't me. Or is it? I can't remember what me is really, I haven't been me in such a long time that if I ever got back to me, I wouldn't even know I was there! It sucks man :/ I just feel so crap when I'm in these moods, like I can't hack life or something, like this life isn't worth all the trouble I put into it... Like it would be so much easier to just top myself and be done with it. There are so many different ways I could do it... I could be dramatic about it and go for the full on suicide scene, or I could throw myself into a train or something simple and effective like that... This sounds ridiculous, to think like this, when people have such harder lives than me out there, but actually, I can tell people are getting pissed off with my constant down moods and not wanting to actually care about anything but focusing on myself, if only they knew how much it hurts... How much everything is hurting, how much pain my head is in every time someone talks to me, every time I get a little less sleep every night, every time people laugh I just want to smack them, because they're laughing at stupid little things like I used to do constantly, I used to be the happiest person I know and now all I can focus on is the pain that is constantly there, the voices that are always lingering in my mind, and the irritation in peoples eyes when they see what I have become... I don't want to disappoint them but maybe my dying would be the Only way for them to live, or something like that? Maybe for me to every be truly free from voices and pain and hurting friends is to free myself, to become one with the trees and the waves, to become just a spirit lingering in Summerland waiting for my next re-incarnation or waiting for my loved one to come so we can pass over together and truly be free from any ties of this world. Sorry for burdening you guys, I just needed to get it off my chest, and if I say it to my friends it sounds like I'm just making everything about me as always, I'm sick of having them think like that of me, but I don't know what to do to stop it, plus, they all think I'm self absorbed anyway, why not let them live in their own illusions, at least for a little while longer, until it all becomes too much and I just scream at someone. Thanks guys I really appreciate the fact I can put these things on here without being judged <3 

I am like gifted and talented at this shit!

Yes, its a bit of an exaggeration since, well, it was my sixth time of doing this German speaking assessment. But I was god at it. Simply because I could still see my sheet with the writing on it... Its not cheating, because I could already remember it. Sort of :L She won't know, plus, I made it good and not cheatery for her and only got a C, wouldn't want her catching on would we ;D I felt like I needed a reward so I ate a cinnamon roll and an ice cream. I feel a bit fat but I'm trying to live in blissful ignorance right now, and ignore that feeling that says to purge and go on a freakish exercise routine now! just for another half an hour, I want to feel good about the fact I completed it. Regardless of what that means... I have to go now and watch Fringe, its such a good TV series, and then later on its another cry-fest, I'm going to watch Moulin Rouge. :') Ich Liebst Du (Probably not what I was hoping for ;D) <3

I remember...

Oh, I remember now why Gwyneth Paltrow is my role model, she just puts so much emotion into her films and such, I actually nearly cried again at Shakespeare In Love, Its Gorgeous! I love it so much, I love watching it, I love hearing about it, its amazing :') I have remembered why I love films like that so much, its because they re-kindle the hope and spark within my heart, they make me feel instead of think, they make me try to believe in the concept of love, instead of living in my very sensible very narrow world... Gosh, seriously if you haven't watched this film. Watch it. It should be on your bucket list. I felt that if I died right there and then, I would be content with it just from watching that film :') it sounds silly right? That a film can make me feel like that, but well, it does, and it is silly, but whatever, you'd know if you'd ever watched the film xD Hope y'all have had a good day I know I have now :') <3 

Everything suckish...

Gosh, you guys must love my mood swings, I can go from yeah, my life sucks but I'm dealing with it, to yesterdays post... Sorry about that -.- Sometimes I just shut of and write what's in my head, regardless of what it is... I didn't mean to like be all sadistic and stuff, :/ Forgive me? I hate this weather, simply because I can't go out in it. My mother doesn't like me out in the rain, because its potentially damaging to my health. It could flair up my asthma, she gets worried about these things, probably because I don't, I just live how I live she gives a shit about what happens with my health and stuff and I just sit here being bossed around. Fun life I lead eh? I have loads of books I have to read within the month, because they have to be returned to the libraries, some to school and some to the town's library, because school only let me take two out -.- they're petty like that. I have a mountain of homework that I have to bullshit my way through, just literally making things up as I go along on these homeworks, and I still have this major urge to relieve myself of some stress again, I don't know what to do, I wasn't really thinking last night, but now I am, and I shouldn't think, I should just act, but then I'd be like a Montague out of Romeo and Juliet, never thinking about the repercussions of an action, just acting upon an impulse. Sorry, I'm trying to remember things about the play, my exam on it is soon and I'm so NOT prepared for it -.- Love you guys, Don't let me bring you down :) <3 

She had to be added :') sorry <3 

Wow.

I didn't remember how good it felt to cut my hips up... I only did a few cuts on there, with some blunt as fuck sharpener blade, because the one I wanted to use was clean and shiny and not wanting to come off the actual sharpener. I sat there for at least an hour trying to loosen it, it didn't budge... But yeah, I just couldn't remember what a relief it was! I was in awe of the, good type of pain it was bringing, and it made me feel better because my hip bones are more predominant now, so it was so much easier to cut and feel the bone, which made me really happy :') Things have just gotten too much lately, so for that relief to be brought back to me, it makes me really... Blissfully peaceful, content for a while... My hips and thighs will be covered in lovely relieving cuts again soon, don't you guys worry, but for now, it is time for me to bid you adieu, I need to do my exercise before the shower, Stay Strong guys, don't be as indecisive as I am, it sucks :') <3 

Something old, nothing new...

Do you know that feeling you get when you're reconnecting with someone? An old friend, an ex, a long lost family member, or pet (whatever floats your boat I suppose, if you can connect with your pets) Its a strange feeling like, I don't know, like you're finally getting closure on the friendship or something... Well I hate that feeling. It just proves how many people I push away, and this constant rate of friends to friendless is getting higher, (This part makes no sense, I just got sick of having that sentence running round my head) I've decided to get back on my full Ana track... I know I've said this before, but lets face it, I was in a bad place then, I just wanted to fucking eat all the time like the pig I am... Now I mean it. Starting tomorrow I'm going to literally eat nothing but what I'm made to eat. I WILL Be gorgeous and strong and amazing by the time college comes around. I want people to look at me and think, Wow, she's so thin, I want them to look at me with envy and to have friends that are secretly jealous of my body, to have people come up to me and ask me what my secret is... I'd never tell anyone else about Ana, if they want her they have to find her themselves, that's not my decision to make for them, is it? I'm in so much pain at the moment, I feel like literally cutting myself to relieve some of the tension and stress and Pain! It's so bad, I can actually sort of feel the knife cutting into me, stabbing me, hurting me... Its all along that place just below your ribcage, and I feel like hell, but I'm taking the pain as an empty stomach, so I'm trying to think of it in a good way, I know that's not what it is at all, but I don't want to think about the other possibilities... Today was a decent day, I binged on dorito's because my friends were there and I thought fuck it, I'ma go home and do much much exercise anyway, I'm allowed one day a month where I can pig to the extreme and it won't affect my progress, even though Ana was screaming at me all the way through eating... I hate it when she does that, just yells at me, screams and shouts insults, I know she does it to help me, to make me realise what I'm doing is wrong... But right now, I'm too fragile for all the yelling at me, I just keep snapping at my friends, they just irritate me so much right now, especially that one I told you about in the last post... She's such a moaning cow, one set of rules for her and her moaning, another for the rest of us -.- That fucks me off. Big time. But yeah, I'm not going to have a rant today, I need to go lie down, the knife scraping my stomach is tearing off the insides now, painful as. Love you guys <3 

You understand?

This Counsellor Mrs Derrett, she understand apparently. I haven't told her anything to make her understand, she just picks it up, she tricks it out of me... Yet she always seems to know what I'm on about even if I stop mid sentence, she's... Intuitive? I think that's the word, when someone just picks up on something? Anyway, so yeah. I went to see her today and I got irritated at this girl, because she was there telling me all these things and saying how it was my fault I was in this mood, it was my fault that I got myself into those situations, and I was just like. Fuck you! I thought I was pregnant, I was HOPING I was, for some sick reason. I Hoped I could have a child, but I didn't want to be in that state, I didn't even want what happened to happen and she doesn't even know this, so what the fuck gives her the right to tell me its my fault?! Being locked in a room and pinned to the floor was really my fault wasn't it. There, I finally told you all what happened on my holiday. But I was just there today like who the hell do you think you are?! I'm devastated about Not having a child in me as twisted as that is, I'm not really "Mentally stable" right now, and she have the cheek to tell me that I was being a cow and that really she hadn't done anything. You didn't have to. You provoked me bitch. The worst thing is, I Warned her! I told her I probably wasn't going to be in the best of moods today and I certainly wasn't going to be up for her not funny humour and digs at me all the time. On a different note, I'm totally stressing about college. I have applied to everywhere for the same subjects so hopefully it will happen, but the English Literature recommended reading list is huge! and I've read Loads of books in my lifetime, but I've only read three from this list, I'm so far behind its unbelievable. -.- So I went and got some books from the library today, -.- about 7. and I already have 5 under my bed to read. So yeah, lets just hope my reading ability comes back fricken soon eh? Sorry for ranting on you darlings, its been a shit day, Love you's <3

I've lost my god damn mind...

Poof, it's gone, and you know what? I don't actually care xD In fact I love it. What the hell was I doing worrying about Everything before?! This life I'm going to lead from now on will be so much better! I will do what the hell I want and everything will be fine and dandy, because if it isn't then I'll just have to cry... I've been through so many changes in the past... 6 Months. And quite frankly I feel that enough is enough, I just need to be crazy and live life! And who knows, with all this new-found confidence of mine I might just join a singing group, because I'm not amazing but I'm not totally crap at it, so I may as well live like a glee episode xD Why not eh? I think I'm going to join many many groups because I can and then I'm just going to get wrecked any time I can and just forget what I did the next day, because there's no need to remember anymore... Its all gone to ruins, What's the point in wanting to remember? It just leads to crap. So NO remembering you guys! that's your little task from me this week. Just try not to remember and live life in he present :) You'll be surprised at how much easier it is. And IF you don't find it easy, I will eat my words :L Because I find it a relief and shit like that so why wouldn't it work for you guys... Just forget Everything for the rest of the week and live it like it was your last. I dare you ;D OH ALSO!! Listen to "The Drug in me is You" by Falling In Reverse. Simply because its amazing. In fact, I recommend you listen to "Good Girls Bad Guys, Pick Up The Phone and The Westerner" by them. They are the songs I prefer anyway :) Okay, well talk soon?x <3 

Still I can't let you be...

I swear my school just loves making its students feel uncomfortable. I'm there today signing out and they ask me like a million questions, "Why are you leaving" I'm Ill. "Where's your signing out slip" I don't have one, you haven't given me one. "How do we know you aren't faking the illness" because if you don't let me leave right now, I'm going to keel over and cry in agony. "So what exactly is wrong with you" You're nosy old women and I don't feel comfortable talking about this with you. And then, after I'd answered this whole 20 questions game, I get out of the school grounds and get collared by my 60 year old pervy headteacher. Telling me to get back in school because I'm not ill really and there's no reason for me to go home. Fuck you sir. There's a very good reason. I'm in fricken agony and I'm about to smack you. I don't leave school unless I'm ill. I don't do it. I like school. It takes me away for a while, so to be told I'm leaving it for no reason is just, irritating... At least we know I'm not pregnant... I got the most awful pains in the world today, like worse than being stabbed with a blunt knife in the stomach, I fainted twice and threw up once, I'm not pregnant because I'm bleeding, therefore that's a good sign for me... Though it sounds ridiculous because I'm so young and have my life ahead of me, I was sad today when I realised I wasn't, like I secretly wanted the child to be there... Like I was wishing for this little bundle of joy, and it was all just taken away from me... I cried twice, once from the pain of the actual pains and once from knowing that I wasn't going to have a child... How silly was that? I mean, anyone else in my position would have been jumping for joy, then cringing in pain at the whole jumping with the pains thing. But not me. I'm the strange one who's upset at this news... I'm such a contradiction to everything I've ever been taught. -.- Thank you for all the support and stuff on the last post, I needed it, I think... It was muchly appreciated anyway xD Thanks for being there for me :3 <3 

Misplaced thoughts...

So, the last post I did was about this strange happiness I had succumbed to that day, but today's post will be a bit more depressing and thoughtful, there will be a lot of questioning things and wondering and doubting. So for that, I am sorry... Why on earth would I jump into these things now? I'm going to be vague again, but let you in on a secret, I'm with someone. But that's just the problem, I have realised why I wasn't with someone before now, well, one of the reasons anyway... I have such terrible commitment issues, they actually make me push people away, and I cannot do that to this person because I actually love them. I mean I value their friendship too much to want to ever push them away, but I don't know what to do, because its not that I don't want to be with them, its that I don't want to fuck things up, and I ALWAYS do. Always. Me and relationships go together as much as eating thin soup with a fork do. That's not to all you people that don't understand my little town talk... What do I do?! AND on top of this worry, Its been two months-ish since my holiday, and I'm scared that this lump forming on my stomach isn't just fat that needs to be burned off... I mean I'm constantly hungry, but I fight those urges to eat a lot of the time, not all of it because I feel ill if I don't eat, but then I feel ill anyway! I was actually sick today and stuff, and I've been feeling ill for ages really, I'm tired and my temperature fluctuates constantly, my hair is falling out for fucks sake. No matter what anyone tells me the rate my hair is falling out is not normal. I'm actually shit scared, what am I going to do if it is a child, or something worse?! I can't bring up a child right now, I couldn't give it the life it deserved and I'd be made to get rid of it or give it up and then I'd be a wreck. Oh, what is wrong with me -.- why would I get myself into these things? Gahh, things are so fucked up. I might just stay to myself these next few days, I might just sit there with some sort of headphones in and a book or something and then I'll just block out all my friends for a while, I'll try to read again, I'll try to just become a loner, I can't deal with people, but I don't want to hurt them... Which is why me being loner-ish won't come as a surprise to them. I used to be such a loner, and now I'm not as much of one, but If I go back to those ways, they will have to deal with it. Because I'm doing it for myself and them really, because if I don't go near them, I won't lash out at them... And I'm having these mood swings where I just get sick of my friends a lot of the time now... Its not fair on them or me :/ Anyway, I'm off, I'm only supposed to be on here for homework... Goodbye my gorgeous bloggers <3

Sitting on a white bed with dirty feet...

So that's an awfully crappy metaphorical title I realised this much, and you don't know what its about either ;D also I do have dirty feet, I was walking around with no shoes on in a park before... Because I Actually set foot outside my door today, I went out instead of staying in :3 I was pretty proud xD I went out with some of my friends (They aren't being named for legal reasons((no wait, its because if I tell you, I'll give my identity away)) ;D) That was too many brackets, these ( ) are brackets if you didn't know ;D I don't want to leave the people who don't understand my English-ness out, so I need to tell you guys everything small and silly. (Secretly I'm just rambling because I'm either nervous about things that may or may not have happened today, or I'm too high on adrenaline from running the whole fricken way home) Yes, I ran home, because I was late, and my mother didn't even realise I was late -.- I was like dead on my doorstep because my lungs hadn't gotten enough air because my asthma has kicked up again and she was like, oh is that the time. Thanks mum. Just thanks -.- But all in all it was  confuzzling day with a few things done that have been needed to be done for like... Ever. And I ate, for the first time and didn't feel fat or repulsed by what I'd done, I wasn't able to, because I was around people that... Are good for me. That I have come to love. Yes, that's right, I used the "L" word without violently vomiting. And I think, I don't know, I can block out some of Ana when these People are around :) I don't hear as many insults and I can hear the voice of my Goddess more! I can hear her telling me what to do, telling me what to say and the most loving thing to do, she made me accept things today that I wouldn't have accepted and have been blocking out for as long as I can remember... Under the circumstances anyway xD And I know I'm being vague and everything, but I can't really tell you, just know I'm happy and have been happy today :) that's not really an explanation or anything but it will have to do... I love you guys, look there's that pesky word again ;D <3