Wishing for pointless things, just because.

I wish I knew how to have relationships and not be a slag. But I don't. I wish I could tell people that I was in a very cute committed relationship with someone I 'loved'. But I cant. I guess I'm just too cynical to believe in anything happy, to believe that I am worth something more than what I get, to believe I can be happy, or 'loved' or even wanted. I know all too well that I'm not good enough to be wanted. I did really well today I think, I didn't go over 400 and I really wanted to just eat everything in sight but I didn't, and I didn't have to purge because what I did eat was quite healthy I've decided I'm going to start smoking again. Gradually, and I'm not going to get addicted, because I don't want to spend my money on them, I'll get them from my friends, but they stop me being hungry, and that's a really good thing, it'll help me on the 50 calorie days or the fasting days (like Wednesday) I'm not looking forward to that fasting day because I don't know how I'm going to get around my sit down meal with the family, I guess if I cant fast I'll just have to eat as little calories as I can, purge a lot and like, do loads of exercise to make up for it...My blades suck at the moment, they can barely cut through my skin more than 5 times, and if I want to go deep it only happens like once. I've taken to using my old blades, because even the slightly blunt blades are better than these ones. I need new ones, someone be a dear and send me some? (xD) Right now my mind is drifting, it wants to breakdown and I want to keep it together until like, after Thursday when I see both the college counsellor and (Fire) I'm a bit nervous/my-stomach-is-in-tons-of-fucking-knots. I cant be having a breakdown on both of them, but the way things are building up its going to happen. I don't want it to. I want to stay strong when I look (Fire) in the face and tell her exactly why I'm a disappointment/fuck-up. I avoided last weeks' counsellor meeting with college because I didn't want them finding things out about me, they're very manipulative, moreso than I would've thought, they say just the right things to get you talking and then before you know it you've said something your brain should've stopped you from, but because this counsellor goes around the walls in your mind with how she asks things your brain didn't filter what it was saying.
My Sister is Really Fat. Like enormous. I feel disgusted just looking at her. I know that's really nasty to say about ones own sister but I cant help it, her belly hangs so far over the waistband of her pants its awful. Her face is round, there's no bone in it, just flab. I look at her and want to vomit, I feel horrible for being such a bitch about her, but she's 12 now, she cant actually think she looks good right? I mean, she wears short shorts and crop tops and her belly hangs over yet she takes thousands of pictures and I really think she thinks she looks good. I want to cry For her. Poor delusional little brat. I look at her, and I realise she probably weighs more than I do, and that I NEVER want to get like that. I will not get like that. I mean, I am fat, but thank fuck I'm not that big, she's about 5'2-3 and I reckon she's already like 10 1/2-11 stone. That's fucking disgusting for someone so small, so young. I get a little bubble of joy bursting through my lips in the form of a giggle every time I find I've lost weight, she'd probably think she was getting too thin if she lost a pound and eat loads of fatty,sugary food to add about 50 pounds to her weight. God, I really am a terrible person, I sound like such a horrible sister. Bye my Angels <3