Referrals, once again.

I've been referred back to the 'Young People's Mental Health Team' Yay! (NOOOOOOO!) I hate their name. I mean, I know Technically I have lots of mental issues, but I don't think anyone likes to think that they're a mental heath problem. I think if that name was scrutinised it would be found out that it needed to be changed. I haven't seen someone from there in ages, not since (Irrit) and that didn't end so well. But this time, I'm going into it and the people have a clear as fuck idea of some of my issues, whereas last time I kept them guessing. This time the college counsellor person has put down the things she knows about, which is unfortunately quite a lot, thanks to my file and well, scars are pretty noticeable after all... I think last time the people at this place had only just figured out about my 'family issues' and were still trying to get to the bottom of those and where my fears come from and stuff, which did involve a LOT of crying. I hated that part the most, the way (Irrit) worked was; he'd cut you open to see everything, then he'd forget to stitch you back up so you were left broken and hurting for days until you could successfully repair the walls. It hurt like hell, mostly because I can't stand crying. I Hate feeling weak and crying is something only the weak do. I didn't really Want to go back as such, but something slipped out of my mouth today at the meeting with this college counsellor about how it might just be easier if I ended it, and well she said if I wasn't going to get help then she'd have to be more concerned about my mental state and the implications of my words and she'd be more likely to have to go against confidentiality and call my mother. So I chose the help option. She gave me the option of going to the A&E place at the hospital, she'd take me there, tell them about my issues, my self harm, my eating, my thoughts, and they'd get me 'help' so I'd basically be classed as crazy forever and my mum would still be informed and to her I'd be an attention seeker and there wouldn't be anything wrong with me, regardless of what the experts would say. The worst thing was, all the way through her telling me about this other option, I just kept thinking 'there's always another option to, I could just get it over with, I could just die and save you all the hassle of trying to fix something that might be irreparably broken.' I wish I knew why I was like this, what caused it, what makes it flare up, I wish I could feel emotions so I could have an indicator of how I'm supposed to react, I wish a lot of things, but at the end of the day, that's all they are...Wishes, fantasy's. Bye my Angels <3