I'm bored, lets eat! NO BODY NO, FUCK OFF.

So today, I stuck to what I said I was going to, I had a can of soup, no bread and butter with it, which was like 105 calories. Then, because I was feeling like I needed to eat (I've noticed I always feel like I NEED to eat until like 5 days in, probably because I've let myself eat and have been really fat with it, so my bodies like, 'I'm bored, Lets Eat!) I did the thing that one of the girls from 'THIN' said she used to do with her mother, I got all the food I wanted to eat, and played 'chew and spit' Genuinely had the most fun I've had in ages, it was pretty liberating actually, to know that those calories were going down the drain and not making me fatter. It sounds disgusting, but I swear if you tried it, you'd understand why I thought it was great. I think I'll do that every time I feel like eating now. 'Just spit it out ~X~, you don't really need that, your stomach already thinks you've eaten it, it will be content for another hour or two now.' 
 I think...I think I've well and truly given into this life I lead. I think I've finally decided that stopping fighting my head is a good idea.After like, almost a year of fighting it, I sort of realised last night that I didn't even know Why I was fighting it. I was so much happier when I was getting thinner, when the voices/ribbons in my head were occasionally nice to me, when they praised me for doing 5 hours of exercise a day and eating only 100 calories, when they thanked me for cutting because it got rid of some of the pain they/I had to deal with, the pain that was keeping me fat. I woke up today and I swear, even just because I'd decided I was starting ABC again, I felt like I was actually going to get thinner. I felt like...Weight was ready to be lifted from me. Like it was finally MY turn to be the pretty one. I wasn't even tired, because I hadn't spent the day before arguing and fighting with my head, trying to stop myself from being good and not eating, trying to stop myself from cutting or crying. It was beautiful. If this life helps me get like that everyday, I don't even care if people think its safe or right, its MY life, I Will do what I want to. I was supposed to have a meeting with a college counsellor tomorrow, but she cancelled, she didn't have time to see me (Such is the story of my life) so I have ages to wait until I see my friend at like half 12, (I finish at half 10) and I know that doesn't sound like long to wait, but if I go home and wait, its most probable that I won't want to go back out again. And I haven't seen her in AGES, and I miss her too much to like, not see her, so I have to wait for 2 hours outside, in a town that has Nothing to do...
 I actually cant wait to have a thinner face. That's my dream. Bye my Angels <3

I fucking love Cassie.