I hate being a disappointment, but it is a common thing in my life

I missed my meeting with the college counsellor last week, I was looking after my 'ill' sister, she was busy anyway. I don't know what I'm going to say to her tomorrow to...make up for the fact I sort of ran away from talking to her, I have to say something or else I'm pretty sure she'll come get me from one of my classes or something and why would I want that? 'Oh yes, I'm just going to take ~X~ for a while because she's a freak and needs lots of help' No thanks. That's not for me. I'll need to see (Fire) soon as well, but I don't know what to say to her either. How do you tell someone that you're a complete let down? That everything they invested their time and energy into, you threw away. How do you tell them that you're a disappointment, that the things they wanted you to stop doing are as much a part of you now as the heart in your chest? I hate feeling like I'm a disappointment, but I cant help it. I guess there's just something in me that makes me be like this 'Oh, so you think you're getting better? Silly girl, lets re-introduce you to the blade and the pills and the uncontrollable need to purge and restrict. Oh and while we're at it, lets let the voices back in shall we? They've missed you.' She won't understand why I've gone back, she'll try to be understanding, but people who don't go through this don't ever understand why we go back. She'll think I'm a waste of time, I AM a waste of time, maybe she'll finally realise this. There's no helping me. I'm trapped. Alone. The cuts are getting deeper, more frequent. I cried the other day, for like the first time in ages. Not one or two tears, but frequent torrents of rain falling from my eyes, it was painful, I didn't realise crying could Be so painful, I wanted to die. I'd have given anything to die right there and then. I hate crying at the best of times, I've been brought up thinking that crying is something only the weak should do, which is probably why it hurt me...My body was repelling it because it doesn't like tears, its not used to them. I'm not even sure why I cried. It wasn't time for my monthly breakdown, I guess everything had just piled up so much and then one small thing tipped it over and instead of it being like my breakdown which happens over like, 2-3 days, this was all at once, full on for like 2 hours. I hope it never happens again because I don't think I would be able to survive another one. But there's no use in hoping for such things, because I can probably guarantee that it will happen again one day, maybe not in the foreseeable future, but one day. And it'll happen when I don't want it to. Eugh, I have nothing more to say. Bye my Angels <3