Why do they even have to exist?!

Well, I WAS happy today, was. Then at about 1 everything plummeted to the ground and died. I went to about 1 on the scale and had a hard time trying to stay happy and alive in the conversation. I took one of my friends pain pills because my brain was fucking me off and being nasty giving me a migraine so I stole his last back pain pill-It did absolutely nothing for me. I really wished that it would just...Help me a little bit. Buuuut No. That'd be too kind of my life. I then went into this crazy mode where all I could think about was drugs, I realised it's been WAY too long since I last consumed any. I need them. Any that I don't have to inject into myself I'm fine with. I just need them, its really bad that every time I hit really low on the scale I always resort to either drugs or cutting loads. What can I say, I'm an abuser of myself? I'd forgotten how hard it was to purge with my almost non-existent gag reflex, but I'm doing it. Slowly but surely its getting easier, its getting easier for my mother to believe I'm getting better too, because I can eat in front of her, and then purge afterwards and not feel bad for eating but also have my mother's mind at ease because she thinks I'm fine, so see, really, purging is the most loving thing I can do, for everyone. The 'Fat' is still standing tall on my skin, its still staying strong, every time it looks like its fading I make sure to...Help it stand out more. I'm so giving. The worst thing is, unless I cut quite deep, I feel nothing, a little twang every now and again when the razor catches something inside my skin, but that's it. My skin has gotten worse because of the stress I keep putting on myself, I'm having next to no sleep each night and I still cant exercise as much as I'd want to because there's always at least one person in my house. I don't want to get hold of (Fire) because she'll be disappointed in me. I don't want to see the college counsellor tomorrow because she doesn't understand (because I don't tell her anything) and I know if I go in tomorrow I'm just going to cry at some point and I reaaaaaaaally don't want to cry on her and go through all that stuff I went through at school again. I'm pretty much living off of a steady diet of water and pain killers. I have Well and Truly fallen back into this life. I'm not even sure if there's a way out of it this time. And I hate second guessing myself, I will always want this life, but at the same time, Why do I have to feel so god-damned awful all the time?! I genuinely think that the way I feel is going to be the death of me. I'm sick of feelings, I've been showing them way too much lately, to a certain male that I like that he shouldn't know I like him, to my friends who should believe that I'm this uncaring bitch, because its easier to be friends with someone who had a few issues if they're not full of emotions. I HATE FEELINGS. Why cant the fucking voices stop for one moment so I can think? So I can tie down my emotions again. I'm Drowning. Bye my Angels <3