I had to let it happen, I had to change...

Fuck me its cold today. And its not just me, because I'm always some fricken radiator. Like some sort of naturally higher body temperature :L so if I say its cold, you know its cold. Imagine being rudely awoken by the mother at some stupid time like half 11 in the morning telling you to get out of bed because she is going to clean your carpet and wants to leave the windows open to air the rooms out, oh and that she wants you to clean her cars insides out... for money of course, because lets face it, I'm such a selfish person that I won't clean a car out unless there's money involved -.- So yeah, I was gotten out of bed and into the cold, and I was having a really nice dream, in a way that really shouldn't have been nice, because it was a little creepy really :L but it was better than reality though so I suppose everything nicer. Plus it Was the first dream I've had in like 9 years that I can remember... Maybe this is more proof I'm changing -.- People keep telling me that they're glad I'm back to my old self and keep asking me if I'm okay, but its as if they actually can't see me? Because anyone who truly knew me would know that I'm not myself really, and that I am different, and that no matter how many smiles I put on, and how many "I'm okay's" I say, I will never really be okay, there will always be something not quite right about me, something that I don't understand, something that will always be there, like a constant upsetting reminder... And the thing that makes me want to tear my hair out is the fact that I'm Never going to really know what that thing is, and its always going to haunt me and make me angry or sad or confused or any of those equally unpleasant emotions, and no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to figure out what it is that's making me so, not alone anyway. And I've only just convinced people that I don't need help, asking for it now would be like... giving them something to sneer about, something different to say "I told you so" to. So I'm just currently sat here under a duvet slowly freezing to death and pondering over these depressing thoughts, how are all your sunday's going? <3