Saturday, 3 September 2011
Crafty little buggers.
Okay, so no one is really that crafty, I just remembered some sort of line from one of the Harry Potter things, the one with the pixies in. And since I went into a craft shop that I didn't even know existed in my home town that I've lived in forever, I figured it fit somehow. I mean, they're so crafty that I didn't even know it was there! It even had scraper foils in there xD I'm obsessed with those scraper foil thingies, they're the only art I can do, unless I like copy people's art from the internet. That I can do. It was quite a good day really, I went out with a friend/family member of mine and we had this general catch-up and walked around the little towny-village place we live in. I bought a new school bag to tide me over until Christmas or my birthday when I get the bag I really wanted. This one's nice and all, but its not The Bag. Its not colourful or boom! its just, plain and grey with some sparkly stud things on it. But at least its a new bag :) And I got some pens, lots of pens, and a new umbrella because no doubt it will be torrentially raining the first day of school and I want my hair to stay nice and my make-up to not run. I didn't know I could accumulate so much shit in my old school bag, there was so much, it wasn't even logical stuff, I'm like a magpie or something! But we walked around generally and had a talk and a laugh and I ate a quarter cone or so of chips for my tea :) I know it was bad for me but its like the only thing I'd ate all day and now I'm chowing down on a Belgian waffle. Because I can. I want to try and get rid of this obsession with not eating. I want to be healthy and happier and I don't want Ana constantly whispering things in my head. I want her to leave me alone. I'm going to try and get rid of her. But I don't know how! Its too hard. How can I get rid of someone that's a part of me? How can I be free of Ana's harsh words? I just want to be happy and live my life, anyone have any ideas? I can't do this alone, and I don't want to abandon anyone, but this life is dragging me down, its making me more and more dark each day. My thoughts aren't safe. I'm more of a depressive person now. I want to be carefree. And I don't want to leave anyone. Especially Ana. But I Have to somehow. I can't live this nightmare anymore! Its too much for me. I'm loosing myself still. More and More. I'm almost lost. I'm someone different now. And whether this person is better or not is something I don't want to find out. Please help me?! I will keep my blog, I will always write a blog. I love telling everyone about my day, and I might not be able to resist Ana's temptations for too long. I might have to come back, It might make me happier than being free of her would... But until I can get away, I'll never know... Please help, I don't want to lead this life anymore. But I don't want to leave any of you either! I don't know what to do :/ Suggestions would be appreciated :) <3
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keep writing your blog, but just eat healthy meals and do exercise so you stay healthy and feel beautiful xoxo you can fight ana :)
ReplyDeleteEven those of us still in Ana's world will support your decision to stay away, because it's the decision that's making you happy. :)
ReplyDeleteDon't look at your old post because they may trigger you. You could make a separate recovery blog or just continue on this one, but like I said old posts might trigger. Try to plan healthy meals and snacks and eat regularly (breakfast, maybe a snack, lunch, a snack, dinner, and then maybe another snack). Either don't count calories at all or pick a calorie range (like 800-1200 to start) and then over time up it (to something like 1200-1600 a day or whatever). Try to eat a balanced diet (5+ servings of fruits and veggies, 5 servings of breads/grains, 3 servings of dairy, ect.) Try to be semi-active, but not overly so (walk somewhere several times a week or play a sport with some friends). Moderate exercise will keep you healthy but don't do something that would trigger you. Following recovery blogs might help keep you on track. And you should stay away from ED blogs because they can trigger you. When something does trigger you, you should immediately tell yourself (you can just mentally tell yourself if you are around people, or say it out loud if you are alone) that you have been trigger by [insert trigger here]. And tell yourself that you deserve to be healthy and happy and need to stay away from [trigger]. And make a list of things to do when you are triggered. Like watch a movie, play a game, read a book, or whatever to get your mind off of it.
ReplyDeletehttp://likesomecatfromjapan.com/
^It's an ed recovery blog. I enjoy it even with not being in recovery.
take it slow, and keep in mind that it will be difficult, I'm trying to get out of my exercise bulimia before tackling the eating issues, and i'm doing that by making myself exercise only every other day instead of everyday and limiting the number of calories I'm allowed to burn... I think you should find one or two aspects of the ED that you can focus on eliminating, and once you have those under control, then you can work on other aspects...
ReplyDeleteFor example, you can make it a rule that you have to eat breakfast every day and that you are not allowed to restrict or count your breakfast calories, and once you have that down, you can tackle another meal time.
Also if you count calories, don't count fruit or veg because it's not going to make you gain and you need the nutrients, so eat as much fruit and veg as you like/want, and only count the other stuff.
You could also come up with a recovery contract, I had one before I relapsed. In the contract was stuff like
-you must eat XXXX calories per day
-you are allowed A, B, C, D and E exercise only per week.
-you can have an "extra" exercise, but on days you do the extra you must eat XXX calories on top of your daily allowance
-i also had a rewards system, where on every day I stuck to the plan I earned a dollar, and on days I ate more than was on the plan I earned 5 dollars (but this worked because my parents knew about the ED) and I got to spend the money on whatever I wanted
there was a lot more on the contract but I don't remember it all, but it did help in feeling like I was achieving something, and earning something by getting better
Anyway, I hope you are able to find your way out of the disorder and into happiness! xx