Revelations!

Did you guys know that I'm a commitment-a-phobic? I don't know if that actually makes sense or means what I want it to mean, but basically I'm shit scared of the whole commitment things in life. I hate them. I wish that they would roll over and just die. I mean, usually I actually couldn't care less about the fact that I'm single. I really couldn't. In fact I revel in that fact, I LOVE that fact. I don't want to be one of those clingy people that just ruin their lives and cry all the time they aren't with their boyfriends. Get A Grip already. But just now really, I was standing in the shower (Where I do my best thinking really) and pondering over the meaning of life, and all that intellectual shit, and I realised that I wouldn't care if I was with someone right now :L How odd and out of character is that?! But yeah, I'm changing again, watch, in like a weeks time I'll be all happy smiley rainbows in with those slaggy popular people at school and "Loving my life" Just you wait and see :L So this is a genuinely up beat note to leave you on... Night all <3

P.G

Parents, we love hem...Right? I mean, they can be annoying and unfair but they must have a reason right, like parental guidance? Wrong. I don't know about your parents but I have one that left me to live his new life with a new family in America. And then I have the other who had a crappy childhood from which she gets her parenting skills from and is constantly angry at me. I know a lot of parents get mad at their teenage offspring, but this is like off the rails/psycho bi-polar type crazy shit. And she's constantly making her life out to be worse than everyone else, I know that's sort of what I do sometimes when I rant on here, but she does it like to us. Like, a few years back I fell off my bike whilst going down a hill and thought my arm was broken, I was in so much pain, yet there was no sympathy. At all. No condoling, just "at least you weren't as bad as me, eh." I mean this is not something you say to your 12 year old who's crying in pain, is it? Or is that just me? And I know she's paranoid and all because she doesn't want to have all the shit happen that happened last year to happen again but you don't tell your child to shut up having fun because she will end up in a mental home or school will give her some sort of psych evaluation, because it wouldn't be fair to put Her through that again. I, I was the one that was going through all the shit, not her. I know she went through some stuff, but I was the one that was going through Everything. Yet, she's still making herself seem worse off. And, worst of all, I Hate, Hate, Hate all the bitchiness and name calling and yelling. There is no need for it. It just tears me up inside. I literally die inside every time she makes a nasty comment or puts me down. I swear I could come home with like an A* on all of my exams and my sister could come home with detentions and call outs and the sister would still get more good attention that I would. Because she's obviously so fair -.- RANT about terrible parents OVER. I'm just waiting for her to say for me to move out if I don't like her way, because I would have an excuse then, and it would be Her that made it happen. I don't know where I'd go, but I'd go. Sorry, I just needed to rant, and I wondered if any of your parents are the same, I'm hoping they are and that you have advice for me? Love you guys <3

That's where I belong...

This world is trying to break me, I swear to it... Its like just when I think I'm about to get back on my feet, just when I think people will forget about my...antics, I go and do something crazy, like give a counsellor a text saying I have finally accepted the fact that I need help now, and that I think things are getting to bad for me to just live in my whole "I'm coping" mind frame anymore... In a really odd way, I'm glad I contacted someone, because I was the one to instigate it, its all on my terms now. So I goes into this person, Mrs Derrett she's called, I might have mentioned her before on here, but I get called into see her an hour before lunch and we take the whole hour just talking and I tell her like Everything. I told her about the voices in my head, and the projection of one into Miss O'Mullane, I told her about Ana and my eating habits, I told her about things I would never tell most other people, like my holiday. And how I'm still carrying the guilt around from what I did when I was in Spain. I told her about my loss of morals and my lack of ability to read and do things that were fundamental to me, I told her about my nervous tendencies and my not pleasant thoughts. And I touched on the topic of this very blog. She didn't really know what to say to it all, she said she was proud of me for finally coming to her to get help, but that she wasn't the one I needed to talk to, I needed someone who specialises in these things ( Aka, someone who works with mental patients) And she asked if she could get someone to come and see me, because she wasn't sure that what I was doing to my arm without knowing it was normal, or safe. So I'm being referred to yet another "Specialist" to talk to and spill everything to and just when I think I'm going to get help, I'll be referred to a different person. I guarantee it. This is my Fifth specialist person that I've been referred to, this year -.- why cant they all just make their minds up and pick someone for me already?! **RANT OVER** Sorry about that xD I just needed to speak my mind and tell you about this day that was obviously so good for me. And now I feel a binge coming on. I shall have to swap 500 sit-ups for a thousand tonight, and I shall have to take the dog for a 3 hour walk instead of one. so basically I'ma have to double every bit of exercise I do. Fun times. Have a good night Y'all, This fucked up dysfunctional kid loves you ;D <3

I do love you...

I mean, you always seem to be there for me, you're all always there. Why do you guys stick around :L Like seriously, if I was reading this blog, I'd probably slap myself or just laugh at all this self pity going on. People think that girls that are friends with Ana or Mia or any of the other "mental health issues" are strange, are cruel, are not worth bothering about, I don't know if you guys get this, but whenever I get called in to talk to someone else about things that are going wrong, which is frequently lately, they just seem to judge me before they even know what's wrong, they all read my file or the others' notes first and then they seem to just look at me with pity, like the only problem I have is listening to a voice inside my head and projecting said voice into a person... I know that's a problem but its not the only one... But they don't care about people like us do they? they don't Want to care, they just want to get paid for speaking to us, they want to feel like they've made a difference? Or is that just how I think? Maybe I just have hostility towards people that think I need help, that think I need to stop listening to Ana, I'm going to stop fighting her, I'm going to listen to her fully from now on... People need to accept that I'm different, I'm tainted, I'm changed... And I need to accept that... So I'm going to :) I just wanted to thank you guys for listening to me and my worries and accepting me for who I am... I Love you guys so much <3 

I'll just become a prostitute.

Do you know those little ritual things, those fundamental things that you do that define you as a person... Like say the way you do your nails or something silly like that, have you ever lost them? Like I don't mean forgotten How to do them, but like lost the... ability? For example, I used to HATE having chipped nail polish, I would re-coat my nails like 50 times a day if I had to, but now, my nails are Always chipped and disgusting looking, or another example is the fact that I always used to read, I would go through books like a writer goes through paper, but now, Its like I don't have that ability to read, like I've lost it somewhere along the way, It has taken me two weeks to get through two thirds of 'Little Women' and Its really upsetting to think that my one escape from this world is slipping :L I know it sounds like a stupid thing to say, but I really mean it, if I can't read, how am I going to be able to get through school, and college, and uni? How can I ever possibly get a decent job if I cannot read? I'll just have to drop everything and become a prostitute, or one of those fat big issue ladies that you see on street corners, I'm sure they're prostitutes in disguise, so yeah, eventful eh? I don't know if any of you know what I mean, maybe its all in my head, but that's where most of this shit is happening now a days isn't it :L in my head. I think I need to do something, because being grounded for no reason isn't fun and its making me want to munch, but if I can't go out I have to do all my exercise in my room, and there's only so much you can do in a small space... I've already eaten two tomatoes, and a handful of rice crispies... I'm going to binge again soon if I don't find something to do, any suggestions? Thank you for reading my angels <3

After all of my running...

Right, so any of you that are new you will not understand my obsession with Gwyneth Paltrow. I wouldn't call it an obsession per say, but its quite close if we think about it... So I was watching glee today and really disliking the fact that she wasn't in this episode, because lets face it, Gwyneth is the only reasonably good voiced teacher at that school, yet that stupid Will person is still the "director" of the New Directions... Its just irritating me, But I was listening to her song, Coming home, and it was just gorgeous. I don't even know if she wrote it or not of if it was like a copy of a song she liked but whatever, I don't care, she's amazing. And the song was absolutely gorgeous! It started off like it was going to be some really music based song and really boring with the lyrics but I really listened to them and realised what they meant, and I was like Mind Blownnnn! So yeah, I really recommend you listen to that song. I don't care if you hate her guts and want to commit suicide every time her name is mentioned, she's super skinny and gorgeous and is actually a good singer and actress, so who wouldn't want her as a role-model?! I cried again today. This really isn't a good thing for me to be doing, because lets face it, even though I didn't cry on my English teacher this time, I collapsed on the floor of the English department, which is just as bad, because some stupid kids found me and went and got my English teacher... Which is just as bad, because I really didn't mean to have another crying episode that she was witness to. I just had to collapse and I couldn't make it down the stairs or to a bathroom without killing myself on the stairs :L so it had to be on the top floor of my school, the English department. I've given Miss a letter that tells her all about the... Extra inhabitant in her body that only I can see... That only I can hear, the one that's stopping me from hearing some of the things she says...She was going to read it after school, so if she did hate me, I wouldn't be anywhere near her so she didn't kill me, she says she wouldn't hate me, but if one of your student's minds had put a different tainted person in your person, wouldn't you be mad at being that person...? I know that doesn't make sense, but I've decided to stop putting everything on my friends, Its not fair, I have to learn to act happy, I have to learn to be happy and content, even if inside I'm dying... Because when I feel like crying and I put all this burden onto my friends, even if they say they don't mind, I MIND. I'm the one that's supposed to take the burdens, not them. I can cope with the burdens, they can't... I, I don't want to be the one that makes their last year all together at school a crap time, I can't be the one to make them remember all the bad stuff about school, I can't Be all the bad stuff about school... I Love you all my darling's and I hope you never should have to feel like this, and if you do, I am Always here to help you :3 <3 

Stop overdoing it...

Oh the joys of being an honest person who has to apologise for everything she's done... Why do I have to be this nice to people, why do I think that people need an apology even if they don't know what I've done?! And why do I always end up crying on my English teacher -.- ?! I think she's just too nice, like Waaay to nice, it throws me off guard or something, like I literally have on idea what to do when she's nice, and because she's nice, I cry. Not being used to nice-ness sucks. I know I've said this all before, but whatever. You're here to listen to me moan ;D But yeah, I went up to English at dinner because I hadn't done my homework, and I stayed behind asking if she could contact Mrs Derrett for me ( a counsellor that I prefer more than the schools designated one) and she was like "Yeah, sure, are you okay though, sit down and wait for me to finish with these people and we'll have a talk" So I did and I almost got to the part in my story where Ana has inhabited her body, so every time she's nice I hear terrible things, and I have to jump around her to know whether its her I'm talking to, or Ana... When the head of the child protection and wellbeing comes to fetch me. Miss O'Mullane had called her because of the scratches on my arm. That's one of my nervous tendencies you see I scratch without knowing it, and when people point it out I'm like "Oh, how'd that get there" and they're like "You just scratched it on your arm, didn't you feel it, couldn't you realise" and of course my only answer is no, because I Don't know I'm doing it. So she called this Mrs Fae, (I think that's how you spell her name, I don't care if it isn't.) And now people are pussy-footing about me again, afraid that if they talk to me wrongly that I'll go crazy and kill myself. I only went up to apologise to Miss. So look where that got me. Never be like me and apologise to anyone for anything. It just gets you in shit. But after school me and my friend *Amalie were talking about religion and shizzz, and she's a hardcore Christian... Yet she had questions to ask about my Wicca... It was nice to be able to relate to her like that... We haven't been able to have one of those talks for such a long time, I mean she knows some of the things that go on, I tell her some of the things, but I can't tell her everything, I'd look all... Weak and insecure and stuff, and somehow I don't want to be like that, I mean all my walls are tumbling down because of Ana but I don't want to be that silly girl that wants everyone to pity her. I hate pity. I don't like crying because it leads to pity, and pity is the most disgusting emotion in the world... And now I have to go, I've been grounded again so I have to do all my exercise inside and all my homework still needs to be done... Love you guys <3 

I'm loosing it. -.-

I'm getting slowly pissed off with myself. I mean really, who goes around and Asks for help? Anyone? No. Didn't think so. Ana was cursing me the whole time along with Renae, the ever present voice in my head. I actually think I've listened to Renae for as long as I can remember... I'd write her into my stories when I was five under the names she wanted and I'd live my life by what she told me to, I just never realised how strange that was, and how un-normal it was to have someone talking to you from the inside of your mind... But she's become more bossy and bitchy now a days, and I can't stop her from talking like I used to be able to...But yes, back to the point, I asked for help. I don't know why but I think I just want to be able to wake up in the morning without being kicked in the stomach or yelled at for not being pretty enough, and I want to go to an English lesson where my teacher isn't Ana. Yes, that sounds crazy, but Ana has taken the form of my English teacher Miss O'Mullane. And I LOVED English, I still would love it if it wasn't for not being able to hear what Miss says because every time she speaks, Ana speaks louder and meaner, like she's getting to the one thing I love just to hurt me so I feel worse about myself, so I want to hurt more, so I do more exercise, so I eventually die from feeling this bad... I was told when I was six that I had a very vivid imagination, because I could imagine any person I wanted... Now its just a curse, and Every day it gets a little worse, my resistance to Ana is slowly crumbling and she's getting stronger, Gosh, I'm whining as much now as I was before... I'm such an annoying person aren't I? xD Maybe Ana is right, maybe Renae is right in telling me to listen to Ana, maybe I should stop saying maybe, and just listen to those two in my head I should stop being such a waste of space and do more exercise. At least I could be a prettier waste of space if I was thinner... I need to get tougher, and to do that, I must kill myself with exercise and lack of food, its survival of the thinnest... Don't eat or be eaten... I love all these puns my brains coming up with :3 but Yeah. I cried again today, I'm doing that a lot lately, too much if you ask me. I think its all this excess sugar I'm eating,  I really shouldn't eat it, but my body is still making me ill if I don't... It sucks, have a nice night guys, exercise, live a thin life, and get stronger, never let people onto you, Ever.
Quick note I found amusing, ever noticed that I'm perfection also spells Imperfection. Oh the irony... <3 

My body has a sugar fetish.

I don't even think its possible for my body to eat anything else that isn't sugar based right now, last time I tried eating normal food, I tried an apple playing it safe, and threw up. My body is repelling solid foods xD Maybe this is why they tell me its always good to eat a bit of sugar every now and again :L But its making me feel like death... Eat something high in sugar guys! for your own sakeeee, plus, sugar burns off easily, its just sugar, its the fat in it that you have to watch out for... it doesn't burn as well, if at all :L Remind me again why I ask anyone to do anything for me? I mean they all don't give two shits about me, well apart from *Amilie,  (*Name changed for my sake and hers) ;D She may be the only one that genuinely gives a rats arse about me and what's happening. Some nob'ed that's just started at my school (She came from a higher class of school to help us progress with our terribly tragic work) told me to take my make-up off today, and my nail varnish, I was like... Why? I don't see what gives this teacher the right to order me about, I'm not in her lessons, and she doesn't know my name, she also said I looked like an ugly panda. I was like Aw Helluh no. Yes, I wear eye liner, yes, its more than school allows, yes, I care about my appearance but that doesn't mean that I don't care about the fact I was just called ugly and referred to a fat bear thing. Eugh, so my illness in general, lack of ability to eat anything other than sugar based products and being called fat and bear looking made this day tragic for me -.- I have to go now, its time for me to try and get some sleep, I think I got... 2 hours this whole weekend... Not good when you're trying to act as normal and sane as possible in school yet you cannot keep your head up and your expression light :/ <3 

Seriously, fall the fuck to sleep.

So, yesterday was my friends sleepover type birthday celebration, even though her birthday was like...three weeks ago. But anyway, I went there fully preparing myself to just binge and regret it the next day (being today) but I didn't realise just How much I would binge... I had Thai food for tea, at least I think it was Thai, all those foreign places look the same to me now a days, and tea was at like half 6. And pretty much from half an hour after tea there was non stop crap eating, it wasn't just me so that's... not that good... but it was just always there, and irritating me, and every time I ate something I got what felt like a kick in the stomach, it really hurt. But it wouldn't stop me eating. I was going to act normal for one night... And I did act normal, I felt normal, like I was finally getting back on my feet, I know now that it was a stupid thing to do, overindulge that is, and I am currently punishing myself with 1000 sit-ups/press ups and a 3 hour run is on the way later... But it was a good laugh :) They tried making me do karaoke but I declined that xD I can sing to myself and out loud occasionally but I don't sing into a microphone that shows how I'm doing :L Not A Chance. And we played truth or dare which just ended up in weird dares like some strange lesbian orgy, but we're all completely straight, and it wasn't really an orgy, just amusement of watching people you would think would be like, nun type girls getting off with each other xD This was all at like 4 in the morning though :L and I couldn't fall asleep first because I wasn't having my face drawn on. So I didn't get to sleep until half 6ish and was awoken at 8 by some stupid chiming clock -.- so I'm not in the best of moods, I refuse to weigh myself, and I'm also refusing to let myself feel sorry for myself, I got myself into this mess after all -.- time to go, I can't type and do press ups at the same time -.- xD <3  

I climbed a mountain and I turned around...

Help. A word that most of us hate, but a thing that most of us need. (Even if we don't admit it) I don't mean we all need counsellor's or "shrinks" but at some point we will all need help, even if its just a tall friend reaching to a top shelf of a store for something you want, that's still help after all... I think sometimes, we just need someone there to help us. We aren't all perfect (its pretty much human nature that we're all screw-ups in this world) I have this cousin, lets call her... Leora, she is pretty much the most amazing person I have met, she can change who she is in seconds, just because she doesn't want to be that person anymore, she wants to change... She helps me so much and she doesn't judge me, how many people can you actually say that they 100% don't carry any judgement on you that's harsh at all? I don't think I know anyone but her that's like that... And I don't think I ever will. (If that makes sense) Bet you're wondering why I'm talking about my cousin so fondly and why this blog post is dedicated to her entirely... Or if not you should be ;D I'm going to put this simply, I LOVE (Yes that forbidden word) Her. Like in my last post I talked about wanting a twin, if I could just have her as a sister, my life would be complete without a twin... We had this lovely long talk today, and she doesn't think I'm crazy, At all. She doesn't hate me for telling her things that might've upset anyone else, and she is there to help me, she doesn't just tell me I need help, she is the help! I just, I don't know, I felt...accepted today, like for the first time, I wasn't the slightly weird person that people just put up with, like I was actually...There? And, maybe even wanted...I know its a silly thing to think, but I did, even if it doesn't mean its true, even if it only lasted a minute or two, it was there :) Adieu <3 

The twinkle in my eyes betrays my normally lifeless expression...

50 followers :3, I know it isn't much, but to me its some sort of achievement... I have just watched "Shakespeare in love" the version with Gwyneth Paltrow in it and Oh My God. It is actually Gorgeous! Like, tear-wrenching gorgeousness. I cannot describe how amazing it was, if I cried at films and life in general then I would have been in tears at the beauty of it. I beseech you, if you haven't already, watch this film. It will change the way you look at things   sorry, babbling on about films and stuff here, but what my question of the...however often I ask questions is, wouldn't you just love to have a twin, like an identical one, that was the other half of you, she like made yo complete or some drivel like that...? I would, I'd adore to have someone like that to confide in, someone to share anything I wanted with, someone to laugh and cry with at sappy films... I don't know, maybe its just me, but don't you just feel a bit, lonely sometimes? like when you see people who have each other on the streets and you see twins and you just think how lucky those people are, because even if they loose everything else in this world, they will always have that twin that will be there for you...So all my thinspo today will be twin related. It will have two people in it basically. Thanks you guys for sticking with me, I know I'm a pain sometimes but... It means a lot to me that you just put up with it, I don't care if you don't actually ever read my blog because of how much I moan on it... You're still connected to me, and that's all that matters :') Have a nice night deary's <3 

Trololol,

I cannot stay long, I fear I must be leaving you soon, everything has calmed down at school, but that is when I am always most vulnerable, it is when people always seem to strike out and catch me by the collar. I had a simple enough day, with my simple enough values and it was just a casual thing, apart from the 1 hour 45 minute long test we had in history, which I finished in an hour and read the remainder of my Little Women book in the last 45 minutes... I went to my nanny's house and had my fattening tea, and took pictures of one of her cats, the one who thinks she's royalty...Emma. I'm going to leave you with the thinspo and the picture of the cat that humoured me the most, I shall write more some other time but nothing is safe for me at the moment, and I fear that I shall be discovered if I stay writing for Too long... Adieu <3 

Don't you know I had to choice...

Yes, this title is similar to the one from yesterdays' post, but I have good cause for this one. I was in assembly this morning, as always from now on on a Monday morning, since when? I don't have a clue, I'm sure it was Tuesday last year... But Anyway, so this teacher, (one of our many deputy heads, our school is so crap they cant even make up their mind on one teacher to co-rule the school) was up at the front of the class giving some genuinely boring sermon type thing and she'd started it with a Miley Cyrus song. Who the fuck starts an assembly with a Miley Cyrus song?! So I really didn't want to have to listen to what she had to say, since she'd started my day off wrongly, and then she mentioned something about her sister and something else about how she swelled up like a sumo wrestler, so naturally I burst out in giggle fits to myself, and one of the student managers collars me at the end of what seemed like a never ending death sentence (or something to that manner) and starts generally yelling at me for laughing and talking all the way through the assembly, if they didn't want me to make a noise they shouldn't give me images of people blowing each other up to sumo sizes :L It really irritates me that teachers give us humorous things to laugh at, yet when we do, we get killed... I've figured out the cause of my horrific stomach pains and general under-bone pains. It happens after I've eaten something, Anything, just after I've eaten it gives me a nice ten minutes of peace and then my body lashes out at me. Its so painful. And to top that pain off, I keep getting headaches and I've sprained or twisted my wrist and my knees keep giving out on me, I'm just a general state right now. I don't even look nice -.- Gosh, I've really got to stop just being some general moaner on this thing :L that's all I do to you guys isn't it? Just moan at you :L and then try and cover up what I'm doing by asking you how you are or something along those lines... That's so sad of me :L Gahh, I'll work on that, I promise :L <3

I had to let it happen, I had to change...

Fuck me its cold today. And its not just me, because I'm always some fricken radiator. Like some sort of naturally higher body temperature :L so if I say its cold, you know its cold. Imagine being rudely awoken by the mother at some stupid time like half 11 in the morning telling you to get out of bed because she is going to clean your carpet and wants to leave the windows open to air the rooms out, oh and that she wants you to clean her cars insides out... for money of course, because lets face it, I'm such a selfish person that I won't clean a car out unless there's money involved -.- So yeah, I was gotten out of bed and into the cold, and I was having a really nice dream, in a way that really shouldn't have been nice, because it was a little creepy really :L but it was better than reality though so I suppose everything nicer. Plus it Was the first dream I've had in like 9 years that I can remember... Maybe this is more proof I'm changing -.- People keep telling me that they're glad I'm back to my old self and keep asking me if I'm okay, but its as if they actually can't see me? Because anyone who truly knew me would know that I'm not myself really, and that I am different, and that no matter how many smiles I put on, and how many "I'm okay's" I say, I will never really be okay, there will always be something not quite right about me, something that I don't understand, something that will always be there, like a constant upsetting reminder... And the thing that makes me want to tear my hair out is the fact that I'm Never going to really know what that thing is, and its always going to haunt me and make me angry or sad or confused or any of those equally unpleasant emotions, and no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to figure out what it is that's making me so, not alone anyway. And I've only just convinced people that I don't need help, asking for it now would be like... giving them something to sneer about, something different to say "I told you so" to. So I'm just currently sat here under a duvet slowly freezing to death and pondering over these depressing thoughts, how are all your sunday's going? <3

Here we go again...

I've found another thinspiring role model, it sounds crazy but it's my English teacher. She's gorgeously thin! I know it sounds creepy to have a role model that you know, and especially creepy to have one that teaches you, but she's actually amazingly thin. Its like Wow. I don't need the internet to give me my thinspo if I have her class! Plus she's really nice :) this may sound like I'm strange making a post about my English teacher but she deserves it, she's too nice and she doesn't know what to do to help me bless her. I know she wants to be able to try and help me, but she just doesn't know what to say. I cried on her like three times last year, because everything got too much and she was so nice and understanding and I don't think I've ever had a teacher that actually gives a shit. Plus she's really good at teaching me because she amuses me in lessons, and she has so much time for me. Its like, I don't know. It sounds stupid to be saying it all out loud but I have so much respect and admiration for her :') I think she had an ED when she was younger, she always refers to this friend with one when she talks to me to try and help me, but I think it was her really, because she's too understanding. Its like she knows what I'm going through? If that makes sense... So even though this blog post was all about my amazing gratitude for my English teacher, who by the way you all wish you had because she's a fricken legend! I must bid you adieu because it is time to read Romeo and Juliet. I hope you all have a teacher like mine, or at least someone that you adore about the same :') (that sounds tragic and stuff but yeah...) <3 

Putting character into homework...

I'm so sick of having to keep homework to that dull lifeless type of writing we have been cloned to do. I don't write to you guys like some sort of fricken robot, and I'm writing this at home, therefore it is homework... In fact, I got SO sick of not having any character in my writing that I put it in there for my English homework today, the title was "self reflection on year ten" so of course as its self reflection, I'm going to talk like myself in it. I personally think my teacher will like it, but I told her that she could ask me to redo it if it wasn't down to boring school standards... So lets just hope she's in a great mood tomorrow when I hand it in, it was supposed to be done for Monday but what's the point in keeping a book in my bag unnecessarily. I ate rice crispies today, the un-sugared ones, and I put splenda on them to give them some taste :3 it was terrible of me, I know, but it was better for me than cookie crisp will Ever be. My family has such fatty calorific foods. (I'm assuming calorific is like calorie and horrific?) well it is now. And then I ate a sausage roll thing for my dinner/snack for the day, and there are so many lollies and stuff under my bed, there are even crisps under there, and I'm really tempted to eat them. I can feel my self control going, just slipping away. I need someone that's always there, that's always on hand to talk to... And there aren't any people in this little town that help people, they all try and get rid of Ana, not help people to stay with her... And I can't go to these people because everyone here knows that I'm my mothers' child and if I went to these places then I'll be found out again. Its getting harder to do this on my own and I just feel so fat! Nothing is helping me at all. I don't know what to do, and I don't even know if I want to continue with Ana, of course I do, but then there's that sensible part in me that tells me to continue will be a bad idea, she's wrong of course and Ana is doing her part to drown out that annoying sensibility in me. Soon I shall have no doubts at all and it will be all Ana all the way. Time to go now, lets just hope I don't eat this crap, I have to practice self control. Its as easy as saying no, right? <3

My first fine of the day...

Well, today was the first day back at school. And I can't tell you how irritating it was. First things first. My mother took pictures of me and my sister in the uniforms, and I looked like a right fat cow. Like fat face and everything... And then it was like torrentially raining, my umbrella was like leaking and it wasn't doing anything to keep me dry, its times like those that I wish I could Stand wearing a coat. So I get to school looking like a drowned rat, then literally three steps into the school and a student manager collars me and tells me she needs to talk to me and asks me if I was okay. I mean really?! Why would you bring up scars of the past (Literally) three steps into the first school day? So it didn't start too well, and then me and a friend... (Lets call her Bertha) so me and Bertha, we find out that our tutor has been moved so we had to go and find out where our new room was and they only gave us a number, well if anyone of you're like me and Bertha, we just go by the names of the lessons taught in that block of building, like "English" or "Languages" so of course we still had to run around trying to find room 25. Turns out its the old retard room. (Sorry, that's a little harsh, the old "Differently-abled people's room") Then I was told to take off my nail varnish. Again if any of you are like me, I hate taking off my nail varnish. I actually despise using acid on my nails to take off something that makes nails look far prettier. And it was red, so I walked around with red fingers all day because I had to take it off quickly. Not a good start to the day being a drowned rat. Then just as I was starting to get dry-ish we had to go for an assembly. So we all sat through half an hour of the same stuff they told us last year, only with a few different pictures on the board at the front. It was boring. I got my grades from those exams I did a while back today though. I got an A in Biology (somehow) a C in Chemistry (decent enough, we had a crap teacher) a D in Physics ( Who likes Physics anyway, that's a respectable grade for me in that particular subject xD) a C in Maths, an A in one English test and an A* in the other. I was pretty happy with those to be frank. I don't care how lousy they are. I actually bet my friend I would get asked around three times "How I was" << Pointedly obvious hidden meaning... "Are you feeling suicidal or depressed in any way that might get us into trouble" It got irritating really, I'm not really going to tell them if I feel crap, I just sit there and act all nonchalant and widen my eyes so they think I really don't care or don't understand. Its pathetic how little people actually care, if they were really bothered they would be able to spot signs or something, they would be checking things over with me, not just letting me go when I bat my eyelashes... I forgot how easy it was to just eat at that school, I forgot the pressure at dinner times when everyone around you is eating and you're in this little confined space with them. It was so difficult and I just came home and binged with a capital B. I feel terrible now and it was too badly raining that my mother wouldn't let me go for a walk Or a run with my dog, I was just left to my own devices inside this house, I can tell you, 450 crunches and 250 push-ups just to punish yourself for not running home really hurts when you don't have many muscles in your arms and are as fat as I am. I actually just want to cry right now. I have to get me some sharpeners soon. All this not being able to punish myself is killing me! I don't know how long I'm going to be able to take this... And I have to wait until the 15th before I get ANY money. Even though I spent my last months' spends on a new school bag because the old one I had was literally falling apart. I have to go and drown myself now, my shower is good for something after all... <3 

Just being naive.

So, I was looking back at my last post and realised how silly I sounded... I mean lets get real here. I'm not at my goal weight, I'm not even close because I had to start all over again (Curse the people that stood in my way) and I'm not going to be happy living a life of fat solitude... I can't give up on Ana right now. It would be wrong of me to do so. It would be like buying a cat, giving it a home, but not feeding it. Its like lulled into a false sense of security and then starved to death. ( Sorry about the horrific images that might have given you) I ate enough today. Just enough so I wasn't looked at weirdly by my mother but not "enough" that I'm going to turn into a fat whore. School starts on Wednesday and I have never been more excited to be going... Final year. That's all I have to endure is this one last year of this terrible little whore house. (Sorry again, my overuse of the word whore seems to be shining through, but with all the whores at my school I felt that labelling it "Whore house" would be appropriate) :) Talk soon guys, stay strong, and don't let minor laps's of judgement stand in your way, you look like an idiot after them, and no one wants to look like an idiot :) <3 

Crafty little buggers.

Okay, so no one is really that crafty, I just remembered some sort of line from one of the Harry Potter things, the one with the pixies in. And since I went into a craft shop that I didn't even know existed in my home town that I've lived in forever, I figured it fit somehow. I mean, they're so crafty that I didn't even know it was there! It even had scraper foils in there xD I'm obsessed with those scraper foil thingies, they're the only art I can do, unless I like copy people's art from the internet. That I can do. It was quite a good day really, I went out with a friend/family member of mine and we had this general catch-up and walked around the little towny-village place we live in. I bought a new school bag to tide me over until Christmas or my birthday when I get the bag I really wanted. This one's nice and all, but its not The Bag. Its not colourful or boom! its just, plain and grey with some sparkly stud things on it. But at least its a new bag :) And I got some pens, lots of pens, and a new umbrella because no doubt it will be torrentially raining the first day of school and I want my hair to stay nice and my make-up to not run. I didn't know I could accumulate so much shit in my old school bag, there was so much, it wasn't even logical stuff, I'm like a magpie or something! But we walked around generally and had a talk and a laugh and I ate a quarter cone or so of chips for my tea :) I know it was bad for me but its like the only thing I'd ate all day and now I'm chowing down on a Belgian waffle. Because I can. I want to try and get rid of this obsession with not eating. I want to be healthy and happier and I don't want Ana constantly whispering things in my head. I want her to leave me alone. I'm going to try and get rid of her. But I don't know how! Its too hard. How can I get rid of someone that's a part of me? How can I be free of Ana's harsh words? I just want to be happy and live my life, anyone have any ideas? I can't do this alone, and I don't want to abandon anyone, but this life is dragging me down, its making me more and more dark each day. My thoughts aren't safe. I'm more of a depressive person now. I want to be carefree. And I don't want to leave anyone. Especially Ana. But I Have to somehow. I can't live this nightmare anymore! Its too much for me. I'm loosing myself still. More and More. I'm almost lost. I'm someone different now. And whether this person is better or not is something I don't want to find out. Please help me?! I will keep my blog, I will always write a blog. I love telling everyone about my day, and I might not be able to resist Ana's temptations for too long. I might have to come back, It might make me happier than being free of her would... But until I can get away, I'll never know... Please help, I don't want to lead this life anymore. But I don't want to leave any of you either! I don't know what to do :/ Suggestions would be appreciated :) <3 

Panic sets in...

I'm writing this quickly. Easy for everyone to understand, my blog, my freedom, my very life as I know it is in jeopardy. It sounds a silly thing to say, but my friends new blog has been found out, and last time hers was found out, her "family" told mine...because they had to stick their noses into it. They couldn't leave me be. And now I'm in danger of being found out again and I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave you all but it might be my only solution... I can delete and un-delete my blog within 60 days. I know that. And I will hate not being able to write to you guys, but if those people come round to mine again, it might be my only chance to make people see that I'm normal. That I'm 'not Ana' that I'm 'not different.' This is only a warning, just in case I have to delete this, I'm not leaving you forever if I do go. I wouldn't do that, I couldn't. But don't leave me when I go, please be here when I get back? Its just precautions right now. But I'm pretty sure that I'll be blamed for my friends new blog if they find mine... And that's not happening. She made it, and I'm not taking the blame again... I'm not going to do it. This is my last year of senior school and its not being ruined by some god-loving whack-job. (No offence to other god loving folk, but this one really is a crazy person.) (( I don't have any problem with god loving folk, really I don't, not all of them anyway, the ones that start preaching at me in the street get on my nerves but the rest are fine)) Just clearing that up. I have to go for a run now, clear my head and get ready for the inevitable. My whole balance is hanging on the words of a very untrustworthy person. Whom I know for a fact dislikes me. Not the best odds huh? Happy days <3

Welcome to paradise...

Ever wish you could live life like someone else? (wow, L attack much :L <) I'm going all philosophical here and probably overstepping my "Normal" boundaries I have put up to protect myself from the annoying-ness and pain of being different. But I let myself daydream today, like really get into some huge relaxation thing and just daydream away the afternoon. I thought about how my life would be if it wasn't this life I lived in, if I was someone different, I let my imagination take over and just lived in whatever it gave me... It made me wonder if the life I daydreamed about was the life I was supposed to lead. Like I got mixed up with some other soul or something and sent to this life instead of that one, I always used to think about what it would be like to be someone else, I would wonder if it would feel any different being them than it did being me... I often hoped I could switch bodies and find out, but of course I couldn't and slowly let those sort of thoughts escape my mind. What normal person fantasizes things like that? Not any that I know... But yeah, If you could be ANY person in the world, who would it be? I'm really happy at the moment and I can't understand why... I'm not doing anything different apart from eating like lolly's all the time and even then they only have like 10 calories in them... Maybe its just having the extra sugar in me? I don't know, but I don't feel the urge to cut, I don't feel the urge to cry or anything... I'm still writing my depressing poetry like, and I think I'm going to show you one, I'm sorry if its too long for you to read but Its one I wrote about my friend and not me, I hope you like it, but if you don't then tell me, because I'd rather I was told it was crap than like go through life not knowing :L so here goes:
I look in the mirror
What do I see? 
A broken girl gazes out at me
I'm not perfect
I will never be,
the girl that people want me to be
I'm unique
Don't call me a geek.
I sing, I draw, I like to speak
I see myself inside
The girl I always hide
I want the pain to end
Reflections lie, 
The girl inside dies
Love me, 
I need peace.
Help me,
Finally be free. 


^^ Its a bit long winded and shit like that, and it has a terribly cringey first line but yeah, there it is in all its glory :) Happy daydreaming <3