Stuck in my Daydreams...

Don't you just wish that sometimes you could have the body of someone you've known for Ever! Say a childhood best friend or a relative of a similar age... You look at them and then at yourself and you know who got the better end of the deal. I keep living in these odd little daydreams, they keep on this cycle in my head, and I get thrown from one to another, one shows how much better life would be without me, and one shows me as a different person, a better person, a person that isn't different, and isn't strange, she's normal and happy and healthy and has the figure I've been starving myself for! Its so unfair. This is my minds way of getting back at me for indulging my nanny this week and eating anything the woman put in front of me, this is my new hell. And the worst part of it all is, that I did all that exercise today to get rid of it, I can't weigh myself until tomorrow just so I don't break my habit, but I did loads to get this weight off today, and I felt better about it afterwards. I can breathe in again and see each rib individually, I can look at myself again in the mirror and only hate what I see, I don't despise it when I'm thinner. Are loathing and despising the same thing? I'm not really sure about things anymore, my heads all fuzzy from the lack of sleep. But I can't sleep, not with everything that's going through my brain right now, there's the constant worry of a call from the counsellor's, the threat of cutting that's inching its way closer to the front of my thoughts, the Need to hide everything and lock it behind a wall that's crumbling miserably. And now I made a promise to my friend to help him see how much what he does to himself hurts others, I have to do to myself what he does to himself. The tables have to turn and he has to see the damage he is doing by his actions, I have to help him see. I have to. Because he CAN'T die on me I wont let him! I won't let any one of my friends die on me. I couldn't take it, everything would come crashing down on me. Its a selfish reason I know, but I really couldn't take it. And if I didn't do anything, then it would be my fault. So when he doesn't sleep, I don't sleep. When he doesn't eat, I don't eat. And when he does anything to hurt himself purposely, I have to do the same... Its the only way to get through that thick skull of his. Grrgl, I'm rambling again, I don't know why I do that -.-, EW! Mother's just bought chippy for tea, I'ma have to do more exercise before the fat sets in, why does no one tell me what shit we're having for tea... I could have been prepared for this. Goodbye my darlings, Stay strong and don't visit lovingly fat grandparents who want to ruin your future body <3