I've learnt to live half a life...

I think, I think I'm loosing myself... Slowly of course, but this big hole is there, its a hole where I used to reside. Me and my morals, its like they've gone out of the window, Vanished. Just like that. Its scaring the hell out of me, people just keep saying that its me changing and growing, but I didn't think when you grew you got rid of everything you believed in... I didn't think that was how it worked? I thought your morals got more informed and stuff, but mine are all gone. I mean, I have to be loosing myself, because the old me, she would Never have done the things I did on holiday... She was always too grounded and boringly obvious, there wasn't a shred of doubt that if you gave her the choice between a book and alcohol, she'd have chosen the book... But now I'm not so sure. I mean, I can't even read this book my teacher recommended. True, it is pretty boring, but I would have always read any book put in front of me, I read Moby Dick when I was 8 for fucks sake -.- I don't know what's going on with me right now, and its scaring the hell out of me. I need school to start again so I can hide behind the work and at least pretend that I'm my old self. And I'm sick of people telling me that I need help! its all the time, just constant. You don't think I need help do you? -.- I'm not so sure what I need anymore, and here's another thing as to why I've changed... The me I knew would never have bored you all to tears by being so self pitying and depressive -.- Jeesh. Whatever is going on with me best up sticks and leave me alone, like now. And what's so much worse than all of this! I finally plucked up the courage to weigh myself today, and I'm up like half a stone! I hate the Spanish, all my hard work, waisted. -.- I think I'm going to go and shoot myself now, <3