Specials...

^^ The name of a book I just finished reading, and what my friends are... The Book (By Scott Westerfeld) was AMAZING! Its the third in a series, the first one being "Uglies", the second "Pretties" and the fourth is going to be "Extras" I loved loved loved them. In fact I loved them So much, that I feel I'm going to make one of those extra pages on this blog, just to tell you about the books I loved and recommend xD Its sad, but I'm a bit of a reading fanatic really... Its my outlet from life, well it was, before I decided I'd turn normal and that included not reading all the time. Because being normal means that people will stop thinking I'm suicidal at school and the teachers will stop Pussy-footing around me just in case I snap at them and whack them or something... Being normal is what I need to be, for this last year of school at least. Then when I get to college, I can be myself because I just won't give a fuck what anyone thinks :') I think its a good plan, but being normal isn't going to stop me reading and recommending books to anyone, and why should you guys miss out of my recommendations, I don't care if any of you hate reading, its good for you. And even if no one looks at the recommendations, they're always there, just in case someone runs out of ideas as to what to read, and wants to try something good... Pahha, I was so bored today, I'd planned to go out with one of my cousin's/ friends. But she was lazy like and decided to go back to bed, so I was left in my house all day doing not much at all apart from sorting out my make-up and doing my hair and taking pictures xD That was how bored I was. I'm not a vain person at all and I was sat there taking pictures of myself tarted up... Pretty sad right?! In fact, I'ma put some of the pictures on here, just to show you how hideous I am, true they're only of my face, but whatever :L My face is fat. I have hamster cheeks. So yeah, the first three/four are of me, and the last one will be a random bit of thinspo, lookout for my Reading List ;D <3 

Celebrity Role Model?

Right, well, as we all know, today is a bank holiday Monday...In England anyway :L And I'd like to do something a bit different today, see I was looking over that website I sent y'all on yesterdays post, and it talked about how everyone needed some sort of role model to look up to on your strive for perfection... And that just got me thinking about who I wanted it to be, I finally settled on two. Who says I can only have one? ;D They're Gwyneth Paltrow and Nina Dobrev. Because lets face it, they're both MEGA skinny and they're both gorgeous! who wouldn't want them as role models?! But because its a bank holiday I'm not going to write much more, I'm just going to send you a whole load of celebrity thinspiration. Have fun <3 

Baking a proper cake :3

Well, technically, I baked three cakes, about 20 thousand cookies, and a cheesecake. One of the cakes was a birthday one, because its my mother's boyfriend's birthday...Today now. I couldn't write yesterday because I've only just stopped baking xD However, I didn't get up until one, I wanted to sleep the day away because my friend had told me the night before we couldn't be friends because she was holding me back. She was my best friend. I've mentioned her SO many times on here before and I couldn't cope with the fact she was letting me go... It was the saddest thing I'd had to experience in such a long time. I actually cried the whole night. I'm surprised no one woke up and heard me to be honest with you, I was such a wreck though, so I'm glad no one actually saw me xD Sometimes I can be the toughest nut to crack, but when someone gets me at a time when my walls are down, I can't deal with it. -.- I sound like such a total pussy don't I :L Maybe I am, but let me ask you this, If you were in my situation, and the ONLY person that knew you, the real you, and everything about you, the only person in the entire English speaking world that you could truly trust had just told you, that you couldn't be friends, because of you. What would you do? Agree with them, or cry? And on that philosophical note, I leave you, Goodnight my Ana Angels <3 WAIT! I all recommend you go to this website if you don't already know it. http://anathinbeauty.webs.com/redbracelet.htm Seriously! this would help Soooo much, its a great website and it would be amazing if everyone in the ED world were to wear the red bracelet thing they proposed :') Plus it has some really great tips and stuff on it! Love you guys <3

D: Oh The Horrorrr!

Because of what the doctor said regarding my allergies on...Wednesday I think, my mother took it upon herself to clean everywhere. -.- That meant that I was made to get up this morning. In the actual Morning! She cleaned Everywhere in my room, she dusted down my books, she cleaned the frame of my bed, she took down the curtains and threw them in the wash. My room looks...Tidy! I don't like it now though, I don't know where anything is :L She has this habit of moving things from the place I want them to the place I can't find them. -.- Not for any other reason than the she's OCD :L Even more horrifying than that tragic story, is the fact that I, (Insert name here) am wearing a dress! not even one that remotely covers me up. And I don't look that bad in it O.o Mind Blownnnn. That (...) thing up there <^ somewhere is because I can no longer be using my proper name on here for fear of being found out again, because my friend has found my blog again... and she doesn't know how to delete her browsing history, so if her *family* checks her history again I'm fricken screwed if I mention who I am... I feel like I'm hiding something from you, but to be honest, you can blame my friend if you want to blame anyone xD Its my fault really, I wasn't thinking when I gave her the IP address -.- I figured she would have forgotten it. Obviously not. And what's worse is she took offence at something I wrote on this blog! It wasn't even bad for fricks sake. Sometimes I really wish that I could be one of those lonely people so I wouldn't have to give a fuck about what people think of things I say. Because quite frankly she sent me a message at some stupid time last night and I got it this morning and wanted to tell her exactly what I thought, but of course I couldn't because she is first and foremost my friend, but it just got right up my nose. I'm not going to change how I think of people because she has to live with them, or because she thinks its unfair... Its not happening, and I KNOW she's reading this and I also know that she's pulling her face or shouting abuse at every word on the screen, but right now, in the mood I'm in, she can pull her face all she wants. Because I just don't care right now -.- I'm sick of caring. It just leads to me having to pussy-foot around people instead of telling them what I think. But if it was the other way around and they were in my shoes, of course they'd tell me what they thought. They always do. So I'm just going to start being like them. I'm going to be normal. I'm not strange, I'm a Normal Happy teenager. And there's Nothing wrong with me. At all. Sorry for that rant I just had to tell someone xD sorry to drag you guys into my pettiness... Forgive me? <3 

I hate it more than fat people in tight tops! ¬_¬

Yes, from where you stand this may seem like a terrible title to have, I mean, not everyone can help being fat, some have that thyroid problem and whatnot... But fat people Can help wearing tight tops. I mean, why would you subject yourself to looking fatter in a tight top than looking just normally fat in a baggier one?! I just don't get it. And what's worse is the fat people who don't do ANYTHING to try and get the weight off! That's just laziness, pure and simple. Rant over. I've been going through my Facebook and looking at all the people I have on there and it turns out that at least 80% of my friends are fat and don't do anything -.- Its a great confidence booster really :L In the evil way I think of course... I don't mean to criticize people with weight issues. But lets face it, they let themselves get that way in the first place... Today was just an appalling day, weather wise. I couldn't even walk the dog because it was raining that much non stop and I was Not washing the dog when we returned. He hates water xD Its a real challenge washing him :L My sister has gone now, until Monday, she's gone to her fathers :') I have the room to myself the whole weekend and can literally do Anything I want, because there's no one here to tell mother if I stay up until some stupid time in the morning... Just a week and a few days left until school and I still don't have a bag... I'm having to guilt my father for money, because my mother doesn't see the importance of a new school bag, even though the one I'm currently using is falling apart. -.- sometimes I think she just does it to irritate me :L I cant decide between the three bags I'm going to put at the bottom but I'm swaying towards the first one a bit... Help?! Which would you choose, I totally value your opinions right now! Until tomorrow <3

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Because you still need thinspo <3

This must be a crime ¬_¬ !

Gosh, isn't it a beautiful day! Its the sort of day you want to meet up with friends and go paddling in a river or something to a similar degree. But unfortunately for me, I can't go out in it. I'm babysitting the sister. Fml. It has to be a crime to not be able to go out and do anything on a day like this, I mean, its not even fair -.- I'm not actually old enough to look after anyone else yet, I'm not 16 for fucks sake, but that doesn't bother my brother because he just goes out all the time and leaves me looking after the sister instead, he doesn't even ask if I have plans of my own, because mine aren't as important as his are. Jeesh, I hate being the middle child xD Anyone else know this feeling? At least school starts soon :) Then I can go back to hiding, its so much easier to do in a school full of people... I'd never hide from you guys though, I couldn't do it, now that Emily's given up on Ana, you guys are the only ones I can talk to about her, because I don't want to be the one to drag Emily back into this whole mess... It wouldn't be fair...Would it? So yeah, in a week or two you guys will be the only ones to know exactly what I feel like and what I'm doing, you guys will be the only ones to know the truth about me :) You should feel proud ;D I went on some loooong walk with the dog yesterday just so you know ;D it was like all up the hills around my house, and then I took him out again at like 8 to meet Emily secretly, and gave him a 2 mile run :') I really am trying to get this weight off, then maybe I won't feel so hideous... and maybe Ana will loosen her grip on my throat, and maybe I'll be able to let her go, just like Emily did... Wishful thinking and all, I know I could never let her go really, she's the only stable thing about me :L Have fun on this gorgeous day, don't forget to tell me all about it ;D Ana Loves You, Alex Loves You <3

Imagine that :L

Well, today was my big date with the hospital :L I really hate those places but there was no getting round it, they needed to know what I was allergic to before they could do anything about my nose... Turns out I was allergic to like Everything they put on my arm -.- I can never do things half heartedly can I? xD This includes: Animal fur, apart from poodles and rodent like creatures, Pollen, Grass, Long grass ( I didn't know there was a difference apart from in length :L) Any fruit seeds, fake fur, and Dust. Yep. Dust. It sucks but whatever, they thought I was mildly allergic to milk at first I was like aww Helluh No. This is why I hate hospitals, no good news ever comes from a hospital. Grrgl. Its put me in such a bad mood, I have to go out and buy new bedding and quilts and pillows and shit like that because the dust mites live in them if they aren't hypo-allergenic -.- And I have to go back to that crappy place in a few weeks to get some more prescribed drugs to combat these allergies. Ruined the rest of my summer now :L But enough talk on drugs and stuff, How're you all today? Enjoying the... weather? Or annoyed that its like nearly the last week of summer :/ I know I am. I'ma go enjoy the sun :3 while it lasts, bye <3 

I've learnt to live half a life...

I think, I think I'm loosing myself... Slowly of course, but this big hole is there, its a hole where I used to reside. Me and my morals, its like they've gone out of the window, Vanished. Just like that. Its scaring the hell out of me, people just keep saying that its me changing and growing, but I didn't think when you grew you got rid of everything you believed in... I didn't think that was how it worked? I thought your morals got more informed and stuff, but mine are all gone. I mean, I have to be loosing myself, because the old me, she would Never have done the things I did on holiday... She was always too grounded and boringly obvious, there wasn't a shred of doubt that if you gave her the choice between a book and alcohol, she'd have chosen the book... But now I'm not so sure. I mean, I can't even read this book my teacher recommended. True, it is pretty boring, but I would have always read any book put in front of me, I read Moby Dick when I was 8 for fucks sake -.- I don't know what's going on with me right now, and its scaring the hell out of me. I need school to start again so I can hide behind the work and at least pretend that I'm my old self. And I'm sick of people telling me that I need help! its all the time, just constant. You don't think I need help do you? -.- I'm not so sure what I need anymore, and here's another thing as to why I've changed... The me I knew would never have bored you all to tears by being so self pitying and depressive -.- Jeesh. Whatever is going on with me best up sticks and leave me alone, like now. And what's so much worse than all of this! I finally plucked up the courage to weigh myself today, and I'm up like half a stone! I hate the Spanish, all my hard work, waisted. -.- I think I'm going to go and shoot myself now, <3 

You look better now you're eating...

Oh mother, blissful ignorance suits you well. You should wear it more often. You only see me eating at tea time, and even then its half my plate. Yet for some strange reason you seem to think, that I'm all better, that I'm eating all the time and not having this constant niggle to throw it all back up again. That there isn't a want, nay, a physical Need to exercise, its always with me like some sick daydream... Sometimes I wonder if you can see anything past that of your own imagination, that strange saying from Mary Poppins "can't see past the end of your nose" that fits you mother dear, and I'm glad you're like this, its making it soo much easier to eat less and exercise more, its easier to write on this very blog now I don't have to worry about your constant check up's on me. I feel like a grain of sand has been lifted from the million pound sack of it on my back now you aren't threatening me with group therapy and counselling sessions... Pahha, I'm even back to writing my depressing poetry again because there's no fear you'll read it :) And yet, I'm still writing this blog like you're reading every word I put down, funny eh? Considering you don't know it exists :L Anyway, now you've all seen into my head its time to come back down to earth I'm afraid, my head is back behind its walls... How're you all today? Happy? Or not so much? Tell your Auntie Alex ALL about it ;D Or not, whatever floats your boat xD My liberating thing I did today, would be to throw the crisps in a packet into the wind and watch the fatty things fly away on the breeze... Sort of poetic don't you think? I wrote more poems, these ones seem right somehow. They were depressing and scary, but they didn't seem fake, like the ones at the start of my book that are about love, they all seem not right, like they shouldn't be on the page somehow...Get me? Its all right if you don't as I have said time and time again I don't get myself most of the time :') I got some more thinspo yesterday  I sat there for hours looking for it for you guys so my supply of it won't run out for a while, that's how much I love you ;D And if you don't really care for the thinspo, well, you still have my lovely blog to read so it doesn't matter ;D If you haven't listened to Songbird by Fleetwood Mac, I suggest you do, its beautiful. In fact, its not a suggestion. Its a demand! On that authoritary-ish note, I leave you <3 

Longing to be free...

Some crazy woman once told me to live life as you mean to live death, I don't really know what that means and whoever the woman was, she's no where to be found right now, I think she was one of those street people that you're so fascinated with when you're younger, you know those ones that life in cardboard boxes or something, and when you're younger you think they're brave for living in the wild and would give anything to join them... Maybe that was just me, I don't know :L But anyway, remembering this today, and them having this argument with my friend about how she doesn't live her life the way she was made to, how always hiding in her shadow isn't what she needs, it was like...Fate or something? I don't know, my minds still foggy, but at least I know I'm not pregnant now :') That's always a bonus eh? But yeah, It got me to thinking did this crazy old lady know somehow that my life was going to be a bit on the... different side? But of course she obviously didn't know I was going to have Ana on my side, or this group of friends that don't give a shit about Ana, the ones that just love me unconditionally, the ones I keep trying to push away to give them a better life without me in it...I don't know why I feel the need to push everyone away, I guarantee that if any of you were friends with me, you'd have been pushed away by now, because I don't want to hurt anyone, and I always hurt my friends... You remember my friend Emily right? She just gave up Ana, I don't even know how she gave her up... Its not possible, why, how its confusing, and I wish I had the will-power she has. This isn't just some crazy diet thing to me anymore, its my new way of life, I will always have Ana with me, she will always be there to bat the cake out of my hand and not let me walk slowly up the hills. I'm so proud of Emily :) I'm proud of all my friends really, for not giving in to Ana's temptations like I did, she's like the evil stepmother out of Snow White, which I watched last night ;D (Oh look I made a rhyme) xD Hmm, time to write some more of my depressing poetry now, Maybe someday I'll let some of you read it... That is if you want to of course, I'd never put it on my blog unless someone was actually wanting to read it... Until tomorrow <3 

The trialling things this troubled teenager has to deal with...

Hey guys, sorry about the mouthful of a title but it seemed to fit the mood I was in today, and I'm not so good at this time in the morning with the whole changing things around and shortening them type stuff xD Yes, I know its like nearly 12 but I was up into the early hours of this morning watching new films like Little Fockers, and classics like Sleeping Beauty... I might be completely sad for still adoring Disney films but whatever xD I was trying to find Hansel and Gretel, there's like three animated ones of it, but I wanted to find the one I used to watch as a child when I went to my sisters' nanny's house... But anyway, I Love Disney Films. Take it as you wish, use it as ammunition to bully me if you feel that way inclined xD I really don't give one :) It seems appropriate in this particular situation to tell you that I'm only rambling on about my love for these films because I'm trying to stall my way out of going visiting family... I've just been on holiday with them for fucks sake, I don't really need to see them again in the same week -.- My mother was planning on taking me and my sister shopping for school shoes, even though as bad as this is, the only place that sells the school shoes that fits me, is Asda. How crap is that, of all the nice fancy shoe shops in the Trafford Centre and I can't but the shoes I need from them, Curse my stupid half sized feet xD Though why people do not make shoes in half sizes is beyond me, I mean they would have so much more business if they did :L And now I'm mumbling on about shoes, I think its getting pretty obvious I don't want to go visiting family, its only my cousins 5th birthday, no big deal, she has more of them... Gahh, time to go hope you have better things to do today than I do... <3

Some freaky sort of Movie Marathon...

So yeah, today was equally as bleak and un-exciting as yesterday was, only I added films to it today... Yes, it sounds like a lazy thing to do, but all this scaring myself really wasn't helping the whole "not eating" thing I've been working on. So I had to keep my mind entertained, I feel so tired right now, I can't really eat much but its still eating, I cannot exercise that much because this body of mine doesn't see the need to move my legs up hills. I reckon its stress... Or something else maybe, I don't know, my mind is still a jumble of things that I can't quite get my head around. Ah well its not always a bad thing to not over think things like I usually do, I'm still not doing so well on the whole don't think about anything from what happened at the holiday but I'm getting somewhere with not being able to think about much, the true focus lies somewhere between rage and serenity, or something like that ;D and if I can get to that point, then I can focus on not thinking which sounds hard enough but well, to think about not thinking xD Now I sound insane, what am I going on about? Anyone have Any ideas at all? I sure don't... Even now I don't understand my gibberish. Right, time for something to do I feel. Night night children, <3 

Darkness suits me well you say?

Imagine reading yesterdays blog post and realising it didn't really make that much sense and wasn't really that much inspiration for anyone including yourself -.- It was more like a brag about a holiday that wasn't as good as I made it out to be... So for that I'm sorry, I'm not in the best of places right now, depressing thoughts keep finding ways to form cracks in my tightly built walls and make me doubt anything, I'm not depressed though many adults try to tell me I am, I just... Think things over too much which irritates me and causes me to get angry and sad and shit, but anyway, I just don't know what I'm going to do with myself lately, and then there's this whole pregnancy scare thing that's making its way around my mind, its a stupid thought I know, but if I think about it, it's actually possible. I'm just so scared right now. What was I thinking drinking that much and going back to that lads room, wait, I wasn't thinking, that's the point ¬_¬ and now there's just this big lot of guilt and angst... What am I going to do darling's? Do any of you have ideas? I really need help at the moment, and there is no one I can turn to, only this blog and you people... I don't know what I'm doing and everything just seems to be multiplying into this insurmountable regret. Gahh, stupid Alex, stop rambling on about it xD Sorry, went a bit depressing there for a second but I'm back now... For a while anyway :) I did miss not posting to all of you last week, it sounds like a silly thing to say, I went on holiday I should have been happy and not caring, but, I don't know, this blog is more of a help to me than a holiday with family yelling at each other will ever be. I thank you for that and because right now I'm in a poetry writing mood I shall bid you adieu, <3  

I Be Back!

I reckon y'all missed me T'totally too much. And that was Too many T's... ANYWAY! Yes, to answer the question that is burning on all of your tongues right this second as you're reading this, it was fantastic! I have So much to tell all of you, and I don't know where to start, the beginning of things is always boring but, well... I guess I shall have to, -.- It all started last Tuesday (Yes I am writing this in story form, what of it ;D) I went on holiday to Spain with my family, It started out as this boring family  holiday, nothing good every happens to me on family holiday's. Its always, look after your cousins Alex, No wait Alex look after your sister, she's family and family comes first, all that bullshit family's pull on you because they know you have absolutely no comebacks for it whatsoever. So we gets to the hotel we be staying at and its fucking huge, easy for the cousins to get lost in, and it has all this crazy shit in it like an Aviary, and a turtle sanctuary Inside the hotel! O.o Mind blown was I. Then I find out that not only do I not have to share a room with my parents, but I get to share it with my cousin that's my age and amazing, and my brother, that's totally gay so he's just cool. Not only was our room far away from all of the others' room's but we were next door but one to these really fit lads. So naturally me and my cousin, Lets call her J. We go round to these lad's room (Invited of course, we do have some class) and we drink this wine that they stole from the bar, because unfortunately for the Spanish, we knew that putting a cloth over the camera's will stop us from being seen. I swear sometimes people just put things in obvious places for the sake of people like me, J, Martin and James to come along and take them -.- So yes, I didn't steal the wine... Personally, I just hopped over the bar with Martin to get it, he took it from the fridge, not me, therefore I didnt steal it, great logic dontcha think ;D ? So we took this wine, several nights in a row and whilst my cousin was prancing around being the good little girl I was mixing it up a bit, I'm sick of being the one that always gets landed with all responsibility because I'm too good for my own liking. I made some other friends like Laura and Clara, but Martin was really the only one that concerned me. Though he was blonde, and had blue eyes, I usually find people with blonde hair and blue eyes tragic but he was...Fittttt. And so when I get drunk I'm a bit of a forward person ;D But actually he wasn't that bad, a bit of a bad kisser really but not that bad in other aspects... I'm not a slag, I don't usually do the sort of things I did, but... what was it that they said -.-, "What happens in Spain stays in Spain" And it will, because my reputation would be trashed if anyone from school found out... Pahha, I really don't care anymore, though if I get pregnant or chlamydia or something equally as tedious I might just have to hurt someone -.-  Pahha, The food was okay, but well, the pool was better, I could just swim for hours on end and get rid of anything, if I ate toast at breakfast, it would have been worked off an hour later, I felt so proud of myself :') The sea was great as well, full of waves to jump over and under, like a wave pool but, real xD And Oh My God! The Water Park in the hotel was just...WOW! The rings itched a bit but you had to have them to get down the slide and then into the wave pool at the bottom of the slide :') I was in my element this holiday, but my mother was still a bitch, sly digs and yelling at me throughout still happened and I'm waiting for a big yelling at now I'm home and away from nanny, after all my mother couldn't yell in front of her mother, she has to pretend to be nice... Right, Now as promised the pictures... :') I shall continue thinspo tomorrow, but today its more of a salute to Spain type moment than thin people. :) Enjoy, I know I did <3 

Turtles Chillen in the hotel :')

A view from above <3

I really loved this bikini, and the other girl ;D 

Me on the right looking a state...

Smurf Bikini <3 <3 

Yes, I'm not that thin, but hey, my top's cute. <3

This beast was in the lobby of the hotel! -.- 

Oooh, get me all posh looking with me lips on xD 

My slightly scary blue lips from the weather xD