Oh I am sorry.

I went to my nan's this weekend. Simple enough statement. I was met by a father who doesn't want me, a nan who's a bit sneaky and manipulative, a grandad who would rather stay out of everything, an auntie who hates me for telling her to grow up and stop sponging off of her parents and a crazy cousin who adores me to pieces but really needs some discipline in his life as he gets away with everything. I am literally exhausted, trying to smile at everyone and keep the peace and be happy was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Listening to my dad yap on about becoming an american citizen and running away from this life he hates and leaving it all behind and not having to pay for me anymore because the CSA won't chase him over there was pretty irritating. It was like a kick in the teeth really, 'yeah, thanks dad, you make me feel like crap. Its okay, you just keep telling me how much you don't want me, how much of a waste of space I am, I obviously don't care, because there aren't any tears in my eyes when you tell me, that's just the glare from the lights or something, not tears.' How terrible it must be for you, having to pay for your daughters welfare, having to take responsibility for your mistake, I am so fucking sorry that I'm so unwanted, that I am such a waste of everything you give me, such a waste of life, I'm sorry I'm still on the earth when I don't deserve to be here. Yes, buying me clothes does make up for all the hurtful things you say, it does make up for the fact you're running away from me, your only responsibility, because I am that superficial and materialistic of course. I don't reckon I deserve to be alive really, he makes such a compelling case against me. Maybe its all true, maybe I am just a waste of a life. Why can he never just be nice? Why cant he, for once, try and think about how horrible he's being, how crappy he makes me feel. Why cant he just not say anything at all to me instead? I'd much prefer to be blanked by him than have every horrible thing he knows thrown at me. Eugh, I'm depressive as fuck. Bye my Angels <3