Never have I felt so much unbridled fear.

I've been trying new things lately, and so far...I'm not going to say its going good in case I jinx it and it starts going terrible and makes me go back in my shell but it isn't going badly... I think I'm sort of figuring out what it feels like to...Live life. Not just exist in life. Or I hope I am, because the amount of fucking effort that's going into trying these new things is a pisstake. Like seriously, I am shattered all of the time, at least when I was in my little locked up world, I didn't have to try very hard at all, I could just stroll through life without a care for making an effort. However, one of these new things is being open to, (Dun dun dun!) Commitment. It makes me a little bit nervously sick every time I think of it. I know that's just my issues surrounding commitment talking, but I'm actually terrified. I think the only other time I have Ever felt this scared was when I was running away from my sisters dad when I was little and hiding from him and his belt, knowing that he'll eventually find me. And I mean, that was a whole fucking lot of fear I had for that man. But this...this rivals it, easily. Petrified doesn't even begin to cover how afraid I am, what if everything goes wrong? what if...what if I get hurt again? What if I'm just meant for pain and hurting all throughout my life, what if I'm not meant for commitment and happiness? All's I really know is that I'm having to will myself every time I talk to people to keep open and not closed off, to try and make meaningful bonds with the people I want to be in my life forever. Aaaand, to maybe, just maybe, stop putting off this poor boy who seems to, for some strange reason, like me. Who knows, early days and all. Just thought I'd let you know what's going on in my life since, well, you are the ones I tell all this stuff too, and I cant just leave y'all hanging for something as major of a change in my life as this, can I? Nein, never! :') Bye my Angels <3