Saturday, 13 October 2012
That was a close one.
People almost saw my scars today. That wouldn't have been good, especially since my scars are intertwined with my recent cuts, I couldn't have even like, said they were old scars, because the angry red lines were tattooing my skin to. It was a day for cleaning, so I wore my scruffs (just joggers and a top, but I'd never wear joggers if I was actually doing anything like going out, or there was a chance someone would come to my house or something) and these joggers are really baggy and loose (they were bought that way, its not an indication that I've lost weight) and they like to slip to just below my hips, which used to be okay, but now since loads of slices are plastered there, they really needed to stay up, and they just wouldn't. I was lucky my mum didn't do that subtle look at my hips like she usually does, just to make sure there's nothing there. She doesn't trust me. I don't blame her. I don't trust me either. That's really sad isn't it? The fact I don't trust myself I mean, not the fact my mother doesn't trust me, I mean, that's natural, no mother trusts a crazy daughter... But I'm supposed to trust myself aren't I? I guess I've never been very good at doing things I was supposed to do. That's what got me into this secret-life mess in the first place, because I AM good at this. This hiding myself and keeping secrets and counting and restricting and order. I am good at that. I can't be good at both lives, and I guess my body thought it'd be better if I was good at this life.We had fajitas for tea (code for I want to die because they were disgusting and filling) I can't wait until I go to Uni. I'll get to not eat all I want, I'll get to restrict and not have my mother hanging over my shoulder watching me eat...It'll be bliss. Pure bliss. Bye my Angels <3
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hey love. I've been reading a lot lately even if I haven't been commenting. I'm not going to sit here and lecture or warn you, because you already know. The bit about getting to uni and everything being better...it's only going to be better if you plan on being alone, or just hiding yourself so much that you never let anyone close enough so that you're really not alone. My first term of college/uni, I was fake smiles all the time but nothing really changes with a change of place. If anything you're going to be busier and more stressed and need some sort of support system. I'm sure you're better at something than just restricting and cutting and hiding. Something you can share with the world and be proud of. Life isn't about hiding and being private, it's about searching through things and people and figuring out what puts that light in your eye.
ReplyDeleteSorry to be all philosophical or whatever, it's been a deep day and I'm listening to a lot of Mayday Parade. Love you though, keeping you in my thoughts. <3
I wish I could tell you that I did have something I was good at that I could share with people, but I really don't, I'm just one of those people who don't have a talent at all :L Thank you though honey, I appreciate your kind words :') <3
Deleteurghh, i hate it when people nearly see my scars; it makes me so paranoid for ages after! i hope you have a good day today, xo.
ReplyDelete