It should have deterred me, it only made me want it more.

I just watched the documentary 'Thin' on youtube about a load of anorexics, and I know it was supposed to deter me from wanting to be that thin, but it didn't. It had the opposite effect completely. I really feel the need to be that thin now. I don't think I will ever be even slightly okay until I'm down to under 100 pounds. I mean, I feel sorry for the people on it don't get me wrong, I mean, there was this girl on it, my age or maybe younger and she was thin, and she hated herself so much that she lost weight really rapidly after she was discharged from the hospital and I'm pretty sure she died, though it didn't tell you that, you get the feeling that's what happened. That poor girl. At least she died thin, she got what she wanted in the end. I want that. I need that, being this ugly is actually repulsive. Why on earth I ever let myself believe in some sort of healthy lifestyle is beyond me. Restricting is my healthy lifestyle. Its what keeps me going, I can't believe I lost track of that. I feel sorry for (Fire) I mean, all that time she's spent on me, trying to help me and all her hard work thrown down the drain because of one documentary. My nan asked me why people would possibly ever want to cut the other day, I had to pretend like I didn't know, I couldn't understand it. I wanted to yell at her to stop calling these people who cut freaks, to burst her precious little bubble and tell her that I cut, that I'm one of these freaks. She wouldn't have been so self-righteous then. But I didn't, I controlled my anger, I kept it in and soon enough it was meaningless to me, she didn't know I cut, she didn't mean to offend me...The amount of times I've said this in the last two months is ridiculous, but I'm going to change, if these people can do it, so can I. I wish I could tell (Fire) that my story will have a happy ending, that by the time she wants to get rid of me, I'll be fine, 'normal' but I cant do that, its upsetting because she really deserves it after all the energy she's put into trying to get things into my thick skull, but I guess not all stories and battles deserve a happy ending right? Bye my Angels <3