Its time for my life to change back to before.

I don't know what I'm doing, I mean, I do, but I don't at the same time? Its like I've just...regressed. I feel like I'm back where I started 2 years (or so) ago, I'm back to the constant calorie counting, the wondering how I can get around meals, the pain in my stomach because I have skipped for 3 days, the brain pain, the cutting, and the purging. I started that last one again tonight. I forgot how empty it made me feel, how much better I felt about eating because of it, but I also forgot how guilty it made me feel, that there was anything in my stomach to get rid of. I forgot that the guilt is long term, heart-breaking. I missed this life so much, but I don't think I missed it enough to be back here. I wish I wasn't back here, but I'm never going to be liked if I'm fat am I? No, I didn't think so...I'm avoiding even touching the scales until I've done about a years worth of extreme exercise and non-eating (obviously fitting it into about 7 days) then I'll chance a glance at the numbers and cry. I carved fat into my hip today, just to make sure I really understood what I was, what I wanted to get rid of. I think I will now always get the message, I'll just keep it there, keep adding to the cuts to make them stand out. I remember now. I will be perfect. I will. I'm restarting my promise to everyone on here, from now on, no more slacking, I won't even try to put anything off, no more "getting better" when in secret we all knew that would never happen. Its time to start my life again. Bye my Angels <3