If I can't feel them, they aren't there...

There's not much to report about my life right now, sorry to disappoint you all, there are a few tid-bits here and there but on the whole its not very interesting...My Papa's gone back to America, he wasn't sad to go, wasn't sad to leave me, didn't even acknowledge the fact he was leaving me behind for good this time.That's gotten me pretty down, but I'm trying to squash those feelings and hide them in a drawer in the back of my mind so I don't have to believe them. If I cant feel them, they aren't there. I do this with a lot of things actually, like the counselling with (Irrit), I used to just not think about anything to do with him or those sessions, now there's a possibility I don't have to go again, because of the psycho-bitch-fit I had over the phone at him. What can I say, he'd caught me on the day after my father had failed to show up to meet me and left me waiting for him for an hour, with his only explanation as 'I was busy, I had better things to do' So I mean, I suppose I didn't have to go crazy ~X~ over the phone to him, but I was in an 'I hate adults, particularly adult males' mood...He got in my way/irritated me, I couldn't be held responsible, I tried to keep him out of it by cancelling the meeting, but he insisted on calling so it was his own fault...(Yes, I have irrational and scary mood-swings, but in my defence, I usually try and do everything to stay away from people when I'm about to have them) Someone told me they loved me again the other day, so I've had to cut off contact with them as best as I can until they get over that irrationality...I don't see why people seem to think these things and tell me them, its obvious they don't, it just brings me more hassle and a loss of friends because I have to stop talking to them, for their own good...This one is particularly difficult though, so its back to being a whore, preferably in front of him or one of his friends so he realises sooner he doesn't 'love' me. It sounds bad, but its for their own goods, plus, being a whore really isn't that bad, it has its downsides, but in the end it gives me the results I want and messing with someone's head, giving them a small portion of what they want and them moving onto someone else is fun, and it makes them less susceptible to the whole 'I love you' craze because they've been blown off by me. Win win...Call me a bad person, do whatever, slap me if you want/think it'll change me. But this is just something I have to do, if people got too close, what would I do then?! I cant deal with people getting close to me, its weird and it irritates me, makes me all claustrophobic and stuff, I go a little crazy too, it brings on like melt-downs and stuff, I literally cant cope with it. My friends (who know about my lack of commitments) think I make it up, or its serious hyperbole, but it isn't, I just don't have the capacity to deal with close-ness or commitment. Plus, all of my nervous tendency's are made a lot worse with commitment, all of my cleaning gets more irrational and everything down to my teddy's fur has to be in order and clean and perfect, my arms are covered in more cuts from my nails scraping off the skin on them, I don't sleep at night (less than I don't now, if that's possible) In short, I'm a mess with commitment. I just wish people would understand that, or at least stop trying to change it, Gah, I just rambled for like 10 minutes about an issue with my brain, sorry guys, I'll try and control my blabbing from now on, I seem to just blurt everything out for some reason. Have a nice night My Angels <3