I can bullshit it and make it believable...

I finished my GCSE's today, completed my German exam, that was painful. They gave me 50 minutes for a test that took me 10. I could've cried after half an hour with nothing to do... I'm not one of those people that can simply sit down and do nothing for ages, I cannot sit still for more than a minute, its just not possible for me to do Nothing for 40 minutes. But I finished it, I reckon I failed all of my GCSE's but whatever, I did my best and all that jazz. So now I officially have a summer holiday. Sort of. I mean, my sister finishes school in like a month-ish so I'll have to babysit from then on, and my nan's cat isn't well and my nanny wants to go to golf still so I'm cat sitting for her a few days I think, but I have time to go out if I want to. I saw (Fire) the other day, before I went to my nanny's house. She'd had a letter through from the other counsellor I yelled at, (Irrit) and she wanted me to read it. I'd been avoiding this letter for like a week because I didn't want to read about what a cow I'd been and all that sap about how he cared about me that I knew would be in there. But I sucked it up and went to see her anyway, she read it to me because I refused to read it and she wanted to know whether I wanted to see him again. I really didn't know what I wanted to do at that moment in time, but today and last night (I didn't sleep) gave me a lot of time to think, and I think I know what I'm going to tell her. (Or ish, I mean, its not word perfect yet but this is just the basic outline of it) "I don't want to see him again, not because he didn't help, because with reflection, I know he did, sort of, even though he did make me cry most times I saw him and I did feel pretty drained after meeting him. I don't want to meet him because this is my summer, and its not a summer for me to be feeling like crap about myself because its pretty much the last fun one I'm going to have, and I don't want to meet him after summer, because when I go to my college I can be anyone I want to be, I can be myself, or re-invent myself, and since being myself hasn't gotten me very far at all I'm going to re-invent myself, and I'm going to be a non-troubled person in the eyes of everyone else. Seeing a counsellor wouldn't help that image I'm going to make people see. I don't think I'll need him. Not in the nasty way like 'oh he didn't help me he was useless' won't need him way, but in the way that...the past is the past, and there have been some things happen that may have screwed me up and we won't ever see eye to eye about who's fault they were and stuff, but he has helped, and I don't think it would be right for me to keep him from other people, because I was lucky I got to see him, like you said, I was extremely lucky because not everyone gets to see someone, but I've had my time now, and its time to move on. I cant guarantee that I'm going to be fine without talking to him but I'm going to make a go out of it." Some bullshit like that, I can make it up on the day, I'm pretty good at winging it, making things up and making it believable. I mean, I am going to re-invent myself, and I am going to make everyone think there's nothing wrong with me, but I'm not going to be okay, because I'm still going to not eat what I can get away with, and I'm still going to cut, and the voices in my head will still talk to me, I've just gotten better at hiding it. (Fire) said to me the other day that she knows I've gotten better, that I'm more okay now, that its written all over me. If anything were written all over me, it would be things like 'freak' 'fat' or even 'troubled' definitely not 'okay.' But that's just my opinion, I mean, I could be wrong, she could know me better than I do (its extremely plausible) Eugh, I went to a meal with my german class tonight, Italian food to celebrate the end of german...Hmmm. I hate pizza. I have to go now, there's my weird ramble of an update do with it what you wish, just don't share it with the world, this is not for outsiders to read, bye my Angels  <3