I cant believe how gullible I was -.-

So I was going over the conversations of last night during my hair appointment (Obviously in my head, and not out loud, that'd be disastrous!) And one caught my attention. It was one about my friend (We'll call her U) and my cousin (L) was telling me how (U) had told her that she'd been raped. Well. I know (U) extremely well, like she's an extension of me, like another arm type well. And I know for a fact that she has not been raped. It got me really pissed off actually, because (L) was all like "She didn't want anyone knowing" and I was like, "she didn't want me knowing because she knows I know its a load of fucking bullshit."
I think its despicable that Anyone could ever lie about being raped. I mean, who on earth could be so desperate for attention that they make up horrific stories to get it. I know why she chose the whole 'rape' story too, its because my other friend (We'll call her G) has been raped recently (I say recently it was a few months ago, but the case against the perv who did it was only recently dropped) so (G) was getting more attention than (U) and of course (U) didn't like that. But people were giving (G) attention because she's on the edge, and we're afraid she's going to topple over it and try to do something stupid again... I'm actually really mad at (U) how dare she make it seem like rape is something to laugh about, I can guarantee that had she actually been raped I would've supported her, but I am 100% sure she hasn't. I just cant believe she'd be so heartless, I mean, at least three of her friends Have been raped, so why would she make up a story like that, which we know isn't true, I mean, its just going to hurt her friends! Its not even like its something to be proud of, so its not like she did it to fit in or something, she did it purely for attention, and now, I'm not going to give her Any. She doesn't deserve it. It actually makes me a little bit sick that I've given her so much comforting in the past over all of these horrible things she's said she has done/had done to her and now I think about them, they might not be true. Any trust in her I had was gone, along with any respect.
Do you guys think I'm being too harsh? Let me know okay, Bye my Angels <3

Its just the polite thing to do!

Mmm. You know its summer when you go out at like 5 and start getting drunk/high, come back at 11 and your mother doesn't even ask about what you've done. Currently, I am writing this whilst intoxicated/stoned, so it is taking me a lot longer than usual to write this without any mistakes in it. I met loads of new people who take loads of drugs (Yay) and there was one in particular that I enjoyed, he was called cam I think and he was 23, he has a 2 year old and I don't even care about that, he was fucking gorgeous. I think its safe to say I'll be hanging out with my cousin (L) a lot more if he's around. There literally aren't words to describe how hot he was. And who the fuck cares if he just wants me for sex, let him have the fucking sex is all I can say. AND! He didn't even try and take advantage of my drunken ways at all, which just made him more desirable. I obviously gave him my number (its only the polite thing to do when you meet a fit lad) But now, I have to be off because I have a hair appointment in the morning and a BBQ later on in the day, and possibly a piss-up in the night again...Who knows, early days and all that, but I don't want to be hungover for it so...Goodnight my Angels, <3

That was the worst thing to say in that moment.

Eugh, my Mother told me I was getting fatter today, that was possibly the worst thing she could've said to me at this point in time.
I have to keep at the same weight so my prom dress fits and i'll look good in the picture for the shop-keepers magazine, because lets face it, I hate pictures at the best of times, if I have to go in a magazine because my Mother accepted the offer for me, I at least want to look decent. But yeah, I'm getting huge. I hate it. I think if I just lose like 10 pounds the dress won't look that bad, it might be a bit baggy but at least I won't look fat like I do now. I haven't weighed myself in so long because I've been trying to convince (Fire) that I'm getting better so she won't worry or be concerned when she doesn't see me anymore, not that she would really because I'm sure I don't mean that much to her, but still, its always nice to make sure they think you're better before they let you go... But yeah, I need to sort that out soon, I don't want to look at what they tell me, because I know I'll be as big as a whale, but I know I have to, or else it won't hit home with me and I'll keep taking detours from the right path and like, eat and stuff. I want to be prettier for college, and that won't happen if I keep eating two meals a day. It has to go back down to the one that gets forced down my throat (Practically, not literally) and I have to go back into my obsessive exercise routine. I had to give a lot of the stuff I did up to convince everyone I was better because people had started asking me questions and stuff about why I was still losing weight. I wish people would just ignore my weight, it'd be so easy to do anything then. But no, people are still keeping their beady eyes on me, even at the college open day the other day the teachers were looking at me oddly when I said I wasn't going to get anything to eat from the buffet, I told my friend that I didn't eat food that other people's hands had been all over, and that I couldn't physically bring myself to going into the room with the food in because I hate the smell of food, well that's all true, but then one of the teachers was looking over my shoulder whilst I was texting my friend (L, the one that was in the hospital, now she's in one of those health facilities that helps people get better...) and I was telling her how there was food everywhere and that I didn't know how I was going to stay sane when everyone was eating around me, it was making me sick, and this teacher person just looked over at the others in the corridor and stuck two fingers into her mouth in that sick-y gesture people do and looked over at me. The bitch didn't even know me and she judged me that easily. From One Text! right, I'm off my lovelies, you've had enough ramblings for one night, adiós my Angels <3

I can bullshit it and make it believable...

I finished my GCSE's today, completed my German exam, that was painful. They gave me 50 minutes for a test that took me 10. I could've cried after half an hour with nothing to do... I'm not one of those people that can simply sit down and do nothing for ages, I cannot sit still for more than a minute, its just not possible for me to do Nothing for 40 minutes. But I finished it, I reckon I failed all of my GCSE's but whatever, I did my best and all that jazz. So now I officially have a summer holiday. Sort of. I mean, my sister finishes school in like a month-ish so I'll have to babysit from then on, and my nan's cat isn't well and my nanny wants to go to golf still so I'm cat sitting for her a few days I think, but I have time to go out if I want to. I saw (Fire) the other day, before I went to my nanny's house. She'd had a letter through from the other counsellor I yelled at, (Irrit) and she wanted me to read it. I'd been avoiding this letter for like a week because I didn't want to read about what a cow I'd been and all that sap about how he cared about me that I knew would be in there. But I sucked it up and went to see her anyway, she read it to me because I refused to read it and she wanted to know whether I wanted to see him again. I really didn't know what I wanted to do at that moment in time, but today and last night (I didn't sleep) gave me a lot of time to think, and I think I know what I'm going to tell her. (Or ish, I mean, its not word perfect yet but this is just the basic outline of it) "I don't want to see him again, not because he didn't help, because with reflection, I know he did, sort of, even though he did make me cry most times I saw him and I did feel pretty drained after meeting him. I don't want to meet him because this is my summer, and its not a summer for me to be feeling like crap about myself because its pretty much the last fun one I'm going to have, and I don't want to meet him after summer, because when I go to my college I can be anyone I want to be, I can be myself, or re-invent myself, and since being myself hasn't gotten me very far at all I'm going to re-invent myself, and I'm going to be a non-troubled person in the eyes of everyone else. Seeing a counsellor wouldn't help that image I'm going to make people see. I don't think I'll need him. Not in the nasty way like 'oh he didn't help me he was useless' won't need him way, but in the way that...the past is the past, and there have been some things happen that may have screwed me up and we won't ever see eye to eye about who's fault they were and stuff, but he has helped, and I don't think it would be right for me to keep him from other people, because I was lucky I got to see him, like you said, I was extremely lucky because not everyone gets to see someone, but I've had my time now, and its time to move on. I cant guarantee that I'm going to be fine without talking to him but I'm going to make a go out of it." Some bullshit like that, I can make it up on the day, I'm pretty good at winging it, making things up and making it believable. I mean, I am going to re-invent myself, and I am going to make everyone think there's nothing wrong with me, but I'm not going to be okay, because I'm still going to not eat what I can get away with, and I'm still going to cut, and the voices in my head will still talk to me, I've just gotten better at hiding it. (Fire) said to me the other day that she knows I've gotten better, that I'm more okay now, that its written all over me. If anything were written all over me, it would be things like 'freak' 'fat' or even 'troubled' definitely not 'okay.' But that's just my opinion, I mean, I could be wrong, she could know me better than I do (its extremely plausible) Eugh, I went to a meal with my german class tonight, Italian food to celebrate the end of german...Hmmm. I hate pizza. I have to go now, there's my weird ramble of an update do with it what you wish, just don't share it with the world, this is not for outsiders to read, bye my Angels  <3

If you were any faker, they'd be selling you packaged in stores.

I don't understand the desire that people have to look like a carrot. I really don't, I mean, don't get me wrong a nice tan is great, it makes you feel better because you aren't ghost-like, and if you're like me (being so pale your skin actually took on a yellowish-green tinge) having a tan is a good thing. But there's having a tan, and then there's advertising the new range of Ganguro/Manba tanning essentials. If you are part of those little Japanese Sub-cultures I don't mean offence, but only those who are should wear that much tan... I have a friend, I say friend, I only talk to her occasionally, but we're civil and she comes to me for advice, so really we're more of acquaintances than friends but the labelling isn't important really. So yeah, this friend wears so much make-up its unbelievable. She actually looks like a completely different person when she isn't wearing it (which is really rare) to when she is. Its Crazy. And the worst part is, she doesn't look bad without it on! She HAD good skin, before all the tanning and foundation ruined it, she has really big almond shaped eyes and dark eye-lashes so she doesn't need the false ones she puts on or the mascara. I feel really sorry for her though because I mean, there's got to be some sort of delusion that makes her think she isn't pretty when she looks in the mirror. (Maybe like the one where we look in the mirror and see fat regardless of how thin people say we are...) And I could deal with the fake tan and stuff, if it wasn't for the ridiculous eyebrows! Who's bright idea was it to shave off their eyebrows and pencil on new ones?! I mean really, what was going through the person who first decided to do this's head? Did they just decide one day that their eyebrows were too much like leg-hair or something and that it shouldn't be there so they shaved them off, realised they looked like a dick'ed and covered it up by drawing on new ones? Its not even waterproof, so when it rains, your eyebrows run...That's not normal. Or attractive. I'm not sure where I was going with this post, I just got really irritated of seeing all of these people on Facebook putting up pictures where they look like they belonged in a box on a shelf of a toy store and getting told they look 'beautiful'. No. No you don't. You look like you'd melt in the sun.
I'm not bitchy I swear (;D) Right, rant about oddities over. Totsiens My Angels <3

I Beg To Differ.

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" I beg to fucking differ. I spent the entire day baking cakes and cookies and chocolate macaroon things because it helps keep my mind off of things I don't want to think about and it helps me stay focused on the things I need to think about, and I cant eat a single one of them. I bet they taste better. I keep thinking 'well, if I just have one, I can decide whether they taste good or not and I won't have to wonder and infuriate myself with how they taste, and I wouldn't be going out of my mind about it!' And I know its terrible to think like that, but its just really difficult. There is nothing worse than baking when you cant eat, because you know they'll taste good, and you know they'll pack on the pounds like you cant count, but because you know you cant eat it, it makes everything so much worse and so much more appealing. I had to bake, I know I did, because my thoughts we're heading in a direction I didn't want them to go and I needed clarity on certain topics I've been thinking about, but I wish I had a different way of doing it. 
I've been waking up in the night at exactly 3:03, 4:32 and 5:51. Every night, for around a week now. Its so irritating because its like, I cant get to sleep for like an hour after I've woken up and so I only get like a short amount of sleep in between the waking up and its killing me. I have No energy. I'm literally wandering around like the living dead. I don't even know how I'm alive, with that and my lack of food and my 3 day migraine I'm about to kill myself -.- However, I didn't cut yesterday so that's sort of progress...Sort of, I probably just don't have the energy to cut right now. Its my prom on the 6th of July, I can't wait, but I don't want to be fat for it, because I don't like being in dresses anyway, if I was huge and in a dress I'd hate myself probably (:L) Right, well, that's my update done, How have all of you been today? Do anything interesting? Let me know my Angels <3

What fucked up logic is that?!

So today I (finally) finished my IT work. I've been avoiding it forever and a day, because its boring and its painful to my eyes to sit there and read any type it all, its soul-destroying actually...But I finished, I came out with a merit (because who the fuck needs a distinction, I would've been happy with a pass) and I felt so accomplished afterwards, like I'd actually done something right for a change. Just one exam to go now and then I'm finished, and the next talk of any school will be college. That's worrying, but I'm not thinking about that, I'm thinking about summer. Which if y'all didn't know is really very much like winter in England, apart from the temperatures are a tiny bit higher and its rain that falls not snow...But its still summer all the same and it'll be good (hopefully) I won't have money for anything but who needs money?! I have friends in high places, with the means to make me high so we're all good. And alcohol is usually essential in my group of friends, and there's prom to look forward to and just a general relaxation before I have to really set my sights on work because I mean, Law, Government and Politics, English Lit and Psychology, they're going to cripple me. And of course I couldn't do things the easy way and pick a chill out subject, they're all full on all the time, Woo? I found out my Father rang the CSA today, yelling at them about why the fuck he should have to pay my maintenance when he never gets to see me (his fault right there for moving to America) and how I'm taking all of his money (we take 40%, it'd be £50 a week if he wasn't like 17000 in debt to paying for me...) I just thought 'you fucking bastard. I'm so sorry I'm that much of a burden on you. It's not even like its my fault I was born, if you could've stopped being a fucking man-whore for more than 5 seconds then you wouldn't be in this mess now.' Its just so annoying, I mean, I wouldn't mind, but I'm barely getting any of this money anyway! I get £25 a month out of the sometimes £800+ a month. The rest of that money goes on my mother, step-dad and brother's cigarettes and petrol for my mothers car. Her wages pay for the house bills, so I know it doesn't go on that. So yeah, I get barely any of this money that is supposed to be spent on me, yet I'm the one that's to blame. Fucking dick head. SO yeah, that's my life up to date, dead interesting huh? Ciao! <3

If I can't feel them, they aren't there...

There's not much to report about my life right now, sorry to disappoint you all, there are a few tid-bits here and there but on the whole its not very interesting...My Papa's gone back to America, he wasn't sad to go, wasn't sad to leave me, didn't even acknowledge the fact he was leaving me behind for good this time.That's gotten me pretty down, but I'm trying to squash those feelings and hide them in a drawer in the back of my mind so I don't have to believe them. If I cant feel them, they aren't there. I do this with a lot of things actually, like the counselling with (Irrit), I used to just not think about anything to do with him or those sessions, now there's a possibility I don't have to go again, because of the psycho-bitch-fit I had over the phone at him. What can I say, he'd caught me on the day after my father had failed to show up to meet me and left me waiting for him for an hour, with his only explanation as 'I was busy, I had better things to do' So I mean, I suppose I didn't have to go crazy ~X~ over the phone to him, but I was in an 'I hate adults, particularly adult males' mood...He got in my way/irritated me, I couldn't be held responsible, I tried to keep him out of it by cancelling the meeting, but he insisted on calling so it was his own fault...(Yes, I have irrational and scary mood-swings, but in my defence, I usually try and do everything to stay away from people when I'm about to have them) Someone told me they loved me again the other day, so I've had to cut off contact with them as best as I can until they get over that irrationality...I don't see why people seem to think these things and tell me them, its obvious they don't, it just brings me more hassle and a loss of friends because I have to stop talking to them, for their own good...This one is particularly difficult though, so its back to being a whore, preferably in front of him or one of his friends so he realises sooner he doesn't 'love' me. It sounds bad, but its for their own goods, plus, being a whore really isn't that bad, it has its downsides, but in the end it gives me the results I want and messing with someone's head, giving them a small portion of what they want and them moving onto someone else is fun, and it makes them less susceptible to the whole 'I love you' craze because they've been blown off by me. Win win...Call me a bad person, do whatever, slap me if you want/think it'll change me. But this is just something I have to do, if people got too close, what would I do then?! I cant deal with people getting close to me, its weird and it irritates me, makes me all claustrophobic and stuff, I go a little crazy too, it brings on like melt-downs and stuff, I literally cant cope with it. My friends (who know about my lack of commitments) think I make it up, or its serious hyperbole, but it isn't, I just don't have the capacity to deal with close-ness or commitment. Plus, all of my nervous tendency's are made a lot worse with commitment, all of my cleaning gets more irrational and everything down to my teddy's fur has to be in order and clean and perfect, my arms are covered in more cuts from my nails scraping off the skin on them, I don't sleep at night (less than I don't now, if that's possible) In short, I'm a mess with commitment. I just wish people would understand that, or at least stop trying to change it, Gah, I just rambled for like 10 minutes about an issue with my brain, sorry guys, I'll try and control my blabbing from now on, I seem to just blurt everything out for some reason. Have a nice night My Angels <3 

Hanging myself with my dressing-gown tie...

I actually think my exams are killing me. This time last week most people were dead excited to have like 1 exam left, I was just sat there like 'yay 10 exams left...' and now its down to 4 because I did 6 of them within 4 days this last week, and they actually killed me. I feel violently ill, and I still have more to do. I have some bitch of a headache that won't leave me alone, I keep waking up and being sick at stupid times of the morning, I don't want to eat (this is a bonus, but its giving me stomach pains really badly because they're like mingling with period pains and there's not enough paracetamol in the world to calm it down) I cant concentrate either, which sucks because lets face it, exams need concentration. I don't know how I'm going to survive these last 4 exams, and I wouldn't have minded them so much if they weren't spread out over 2 weeks, but that time-frame just gives me more days to worry and stuff.
So yeah, currently at this minute that I'm writing this, which is 11:05. I am procrastinating,  I don't want to get dressed or acknowledge the day because I'm supposed to be going to my nana's for the weekend and I love her to pieces, but she's a pretty loud and head on in your face type person. She also has this obsession with feeding me everything she can because she feels I don't eat enough and I'm too thin. (Try explaining to a reasonably large sized woman that you're actually pretty fat. They won't listen. That right there is a guarantee.) I just don't know whether in the state I'm in, I'm up for like 50 hours of reasonable chit-chat and being nice to everything. I think I might just hang myself with the tie of my dressing-gown, that could work...
Plus! I still have a thousand pieces of revision to do for these exams and that house is always so fucking loud! And my cousin will probably be there, and I love him too, but a child with all the problems under the sun (Barring downs) he's a little shit that gets away with anything because he's "got a lot of problems, and his anger is the only way to let them out sometimes" Yeah, well that's great, but when the little twat hits me, I hit him back and its MY fault? I'm the only one in the family that disciplines that child, if he's supposed to be learning, I sit with him and he does not leave that table until he has done his work. If he hits someone, he does get told off from me. His mum just sits there doing nothing, and I'm like "This is your fucking child, deal with him" but of course she never does, so I'm left to deal with him as per usual in my life. (-.-) I think for his next birthday I'm going to send him to military camp. That'd help me a whole lot (:L)
I Do have to go and get dressed now, I think that was a good long procrastinating, but the thing is, I've never been very good at sitting and doing nothing, I think its the OCD, makes me unable to sit still, or not clean things, or be normal really, sometimes I think people think I make up just quite how bad it is, and just quite how much I can notice the problems in a room in about 10 seconds, and want to fix them within half a second. I am going...Now...Right now. Maybe now...Eugh! Bye guys, have a fun day! <3

Still waiting for my Break to start.

I thought the first maths exam I did was bad. This one today, was hell. It was so difficult, I don't think I've sat an exam in maths that was this difficult. Ever. I hate maths, I don't understand it, it doesn't make sense to me why one times by one cannot be two and why there are so many types of graphs and stuff. Its Bizzare. I always come out of exams like shaking because of how unintentionally nervous I am throughout the actual exam, but toady it was killer, I was shaking like a loon and my stomach was doing that weird thing where it ties itself into a knot and refuses to untie and I was so dizzy. And what made it worse that was after the exam, I didn't get to go home like most other people, I had to stay in school and revise for the other 5 exams I still have to do, whereas most other people have finished them all now. I hate life. On the bright side I came up with an idea for a story, I need to finish typing up my Desdemona one, but after I do, I can start writing again xD I hope you all enjoyed your days more than I did :) Have a nice night <3 

I Adore Kaya Scodelario! <3

I only managed 37...

I think last nights cutting may have been a bit too deep, I did them before I got in the shower as I usually do, as the water helps stop the bleeding for when I get out of it, if there is no blood then no one will notice see...But last nights didn't stop bleeding from the shower, I had to keep putting like tissue on them, they didn't stop bleeding for 5 hours, I was so dizzy and light-headed this morning it was unreal, I felt like I was going to pass out or something. It didn't help my focus during my revision for my maths exam today, not one bit. (-.-) I hadn't even learnt half of the stuff that was on the exam though (not entirely my fault, it was more the teacher hasn't been with us that long and didn't have the time to teach it us) So instead of checking over my answers at the end ( I didn't want to realise just how badly I'd failed) I made a list of some of the things I'd rather have been doing, and I feel the need to share that list with you, feel free to laugh or point out the obvious flaws within this list, I don't mind, I was loopy and not with it during the exam xD so, here it is:
1. Ride a camel through my town.
2. Read a mind-numbingly boring book.
3. Kill myself. 
4. Burn school books.
5. Thinking up witty responses.
6. Be outside of the exam hall, with...Anybody.
7. Watch grass grow.
8. Eat my own foot.
9. Get drunk.
Grow wings-Grow horns--Mindfuck the hell out of Christians for being both angel and devil.
10. Be with (E).
11. Blog to you guys.
12. Watch Moulin Rouge + Shakespeare in Love repeatedly without pause.
13. Eat.
14. Window shop-Cry because I cant afford the clothes I window shopped for--Cry because I won't look as good in the clothes as the models do.
15. Catch Badgers. 
16. Cloudspotting. 
17. Pretend to revise.
18. Watch people get shot in 'Human Target'.
19. Draw.
20. Swing from jungle vines like George did. 
21. Decide to become a ninja-Realise is already ninja.
22. Make a pact with Satan.
23. Sleep, a lot.
24. Sell my soul-Buy my soul back and see if its any different the second time round.
25. Grow a dinosaur from an egg. 
26. Turtle-cat on my bed.
27. Go into a coma.
28. Get inside a persons head and snoop around.
29. Landshark in public-Start a flash mob of Landsharking lunatics. 
30. Eat cake. 
31. Accumulate masses of debt and die so it all gets passed onto my children.
32. Buy a key that fits no lock. 
33. Take drugs. 
34. Have an asthma attack. 
35. Live in Iceland in the cold. 
36. Kill somebody. 
37. Buy more paper to write my list on. 


So yeah, interesting how my mind hops about isn't it :L There would've been more but I only had a tiny scrap of paper to write on so 37 will just have to do. Enjoy reading those because I did enjoy writing them a whole heap ;D I think I'll write lists more often. <3

Lets just hope the Christians aren't right...

Today, was quite possibly a day from hell. I can guarantee if these Christian people are right and there is a heaven and hell and God and all that jazz, then when I go to hell, I'll have to live this day, over and over and over and over again. First things first, I woke up at 5:11 AM!  That is NOT a normal time to wake up at. Ever. Not even for like a burning house or something, that time shouldn't exist, the day should start at like 11. I was out of my house at like 10:15 (Again, who the fuck does this on a Saturday -.- ?) And on the train by 10:22. So I know you're thinking this doesn't sound so bad, right? It just sounds like I'm moaning about my early bird friends and their terrible timing for going out...But let me continue... So when we got to town, we met up with my friend's (Lets call her NB) friends. Again, not so bad right? (Please remember that I am a social recluse whilst reading all of this and that after a certain amount of people in a group I like to switch off so as to avoid people) After meeting these people, more came, with alcohol (Hell Yeah) and we played a drinking game or something, I cant quite remember what the rules were, I just remember drinking, a lot. Then (NB) made us go and meet MORE people, out in the Rain. Not just tiny bits of rain, but big fat rain that destroys hair and make-up and makes people look general states. So we met these people and we went to stand outside, (yes, we moved from inside a nice warm area, to stand outside, next to a church. They're all idiots) The other people we met had more alcohol though, so that was okay, I couldn't really feel the cold after a while (I'm totally lying, it was fucking freezing and I was only wearing a jumper and a thin top) So after getting us all thoroughly soaked, (NB) then went on to suggest we go back inside and meet more people. This made our group grow to like 30 people, then (NB) went off with another girl to a shop or something and I was left totally stranded amongst a sea of people I didn't know. When (NB) came back she and the other girl threw whipped cream over us all. (Because they're nice, considerate bastards who didn't think about the fact that my shoes cost more than both their outfits put together, and that they damage/stain easily.) So to clarify, I was surrounded by people, soaked to the bone, frozen solid and covered in cream. Then (NB) told us we should go and traipse around the town looking for shops she could buy things in, and the rain was coming down harder than it was before, so we (ALL) went walking around the town in the rain to eventually come back to the same place as before because she couldn't find anything. Then we went back near the church we were at before to meet More people, (Bringing the number up to around 50 people) and one of these people was a perverted bastard who loved nothing more than groping me for ten minutes non-stop, everyone else thought it was hilarious, thought it was a joke or something. I just stood there thinking "Not again, please not again, I don't need this to happen to me again, not in such a public place to, imagine the humiliation, if this bastard actually tries to make me go through that again, he best hope he can run faster than me and that he has diamond-like skin, because he will not survive." So that put me in a 'fuck life I just want to go home and cut my hips off' mood and I still had another hour out, during which time the bastard decided it'd be fun to see how much he could do. It turned out, it wasn't a lot. During all of this everyone was smoking around me (not so bad in theory but when I had an asthma attack yesterday its quite difficult to breathe with smoke being blown at you from all angles) and it was raining, all the time. This is why I don't leave my house often, I don't find these things as fun as other people do, I don't find humour in groping people or throwing cream over them. If that makes me weird then so be it, but if that is what going out with (NB) is always like, then I'm not going to in future... That is all for today, have fun reading <3

I don't think that's how its supposed to work...

I saw (Fire)  today. I was hoping she hadn't spoken to (Irrit) so I could get to her first and warn her, but she had, I didn't do a very good job of explaining my meltdown but what's to be expected eh? There's a place I meet her at now a days, it reminds me of a children's prison/torture chamber...Its too colourful on the outside, too happy. Its not on the inside, its all long corridors and high windows I couldn't climb out of easily. It was designed to irritate me too. Messy, un-organised, generally cluttered. I get a little nervous sat in there, since there isn't an easy way (or three) to escape. But I do it anyway. Don't ask me why, I think its because I respect (Fire) too much, I respect her more than I do my own mother...That's not saying much, but I don't think you're supposed to respect a counsellor more than you do your mother...I could be wrong but I don't think its supposed to work like that. Anyway, she asked me if I could remember a good memory, and I couldn't actually (that's the saddest feeling on earth, when you have no good memories floating round your head) and I went away trying really hard to think of a good memory, any good memory from my past. The only one I came up with was one from when I was 3 years old. (That's even worse than not having any, having ones from toddler-hood as your only ones) I'm not sure where I was going with this story, this was just a significant event of the day... Nothing new to report really, haven't heard back from the friend or her family, I'm hoping she's well, I'm considering resorting to prayer or something just to try and make sure she stays okay. Cutting has continued, I got new blades today (Yay, no more blunt cutting!) The voices have continued to plague my thoughts, (Not so yay) And I've continued to have to run around after my family like some sort of nanny/pack-mule/mother. (woop-de-fucking-do) Anyway, Bye <3

I See You...Again.

So I'm sat in the dark on my bed, my trusty winnie teddy sat close at hand, contemplating life as I usually do on a tuesday, but this time there's something different about what I'm coming up with. The answers aren't coming from me anymore, they're coming from Renae and Ana. (If you are new to here and haven't been with me from the start then you won't know that Renae and Ana are two of the voices/ribbons inside of my head) And those two seem to be at the conclusion that I don't deserve to be here. They say that after you finish school, you realise who your true friends are, they're the ones that stay in touch, the ones that try to see you and stay friends. Renae and Ana have decided I have no true friends right there, because they haven't really tried to stay in touch, not any of them...Not really. I'm having to ask thousands of questions about everybody just to keep conversations going where they would once be easy flowing and I wouldn't even have to think about them. At least I was right about one thing...I wasn't cut out for people in my life, I'm better off a recluse.

BUT ANYWAY!
I saw my Father this weekend, and my Nanny, and my Cousin, and my Auntie, and my Grandad. It was like some (S) Family reunion. There was arguing (Naturally) Tears (But of course) and a whole lot of food being crammed down my "too skinny" throat (It wouldn't be my family without the fattening up and comments about my weight) So now, I'm lethargic and upset with life. My 'Sister' (the '' being because we say she's my sister, because she might be, but she might not be) keeps texting me telling me she's 'seriously clinically depressed' and I'm supposed to be supportive and shit, when all I really want to do is tell her to get over herself and join the fucking club. She doesn't know what being depressed is! She thinks just because she's a little sad that she's depressed. Idiot. I'm just sick of her, she thinks the world is falling down, and everything revolves around her, she has no idea. She thinks she is the only one that I have to deal with and help out and look after and give advice to and talk down from bridges. And she Never asks about how the fuck I'm dealing with everything. The answer being I'm NOT. It seems like everyone has petty problems at the moment that they all want to be dealt with by you know who. My friend is back in ICU. She did it again. I don't know why I'm surprised, she's been calling me a lot lately asking me to get her the means to kill herself. Luckily she did it whilst she was within the hospital walls so they got to her quick enough, you'd think the bloody nurses would look after her a bit better, she's an insane girl with a history of trying to kill herself, she should be assigned someone to constantly watch her, like 24/7 watch. Her poor mum, I don't know how much more of this she can take...I don't know how much more of this I can take -.- But this isn't about me, so yeah, no sympathy. Bye guys <3 

Not a chance in hell they'll stop

You know those moods where you're perfectly happy and fine and everything seems to be going right so you're all hyper? Yeah, I wish I could be in one of those moods right now. But I'm not, I'm in a severely irritated, come-near-me-and-die-mood, and I have been since thursday. Because of (Irrit). Its great that someone who is supposed to help me can make me feel so shit. That's when you know they're definitely doing their job right huh? When you feel like crap they must have gotten inside your head just that little bit too much and played  around with everything in there so much. Which means essentially they are doing their job, or so I like to believe anyway. My mother is being really irritating today though, she won't leave me alone and she won't let me revise or do the things I'm Supposed to be doing with my time off because she wants things done round the house, or she wants a coffee made for her, even though I'm upstairs and she's in the kitchen. Or she wants the room tidied because my sister messed it up, or the beds stripped and changed, because she didn't do that like 4 days ago or anything. I'm getting no peace, its like today is 'Piss ~X~ off to the point she doesn't know whether she's going to snap and kill the next person she sees, or break down, or even run away.' I just wanted peace for the day. That's all I asked for, peace to revise and learn things I need to know for my exams. But that's asking too much apparently. Eugh. I'm going to die in this house, its so claustrophobic and its like a bull seeing red to me, its aggravating me so much I don't know what to do about it. And of course, I cant go out for a walk, because I need to revise so my mother has me practically on house arrest. I'm going crazy. The ribbons (voices in most peoples heads) have come back again. Stronger and Louder and more Painful to listen to/watch behind my eyelids. Every syllable, every word, its more pain. Every time they feel the need to comment on something, its like an aneurysm. I thought I'd kicked them for good last time I suppressed them, but obviously not huh? Ah well, I'll live and stuff, I just hope they calm down a bit, they like taking over things at the moment, saying things that they're thinking as opposed to what I need to say to keep people happy -.- Its problematic to say the least...Well, I'm off, bye <3

Just Shut Up.

I may have gone a bit crazy yesterday, I don't regret it, but...It may have been a little uncalled for. Maybe. I don't know, tell me what you think...
So yesterday was my last full day at school and I wanted to stay in it with my friends and have some time with them. I also had a mountain of IT work to do, so I couldn't afford to go and see le counsellor (he is going back to the name Irrit, as I can remember that.) I called and told them I couldn't make it. And I gets a call like 15 minutes later for (Irrit) asking me what was going on and what was going to happen to our meetings etc. I just thought to myself "Shut the fuck up. I don't need more change right now, I don't want to make these decisions and I'm not in the mood for talking to anyone right now, especially adult males." And as the conversation continued much the same way, him asking questions, me answering with my own questions or 'I don't knows' I got more and more aggravated. All these people are trying to control my life and what I do and what goes on, but they're trying to do it in such a way that it Looks like I am. And then all these teachers were telling me to put my phone away and I was like "I'm Talking To A Fucking Counsellor, Leave Me Alone Or I'll Have Another Breakdown." Every adult was intent on getting on my nerves and pushing my buttons to see how much I could take before I snapped...And I did snap. At (Irrit) He just kept going On and On and ON! I didn't go to my meeting to have a dinner time with my friends for the last time, and he took it from me anyway. He just took it from me because he wanted to. So I lashed out, but I think personally I was well within my rights to, I know it sounds like I was being a cow, but I wasn't. (Well, maybe a little bit. But whatever.) I think adults do these things on purpose, I mean they all make plans to hurt and irritate ~X~ on the same week just to watch her cry. Well that's what happened. After that conversation, I cried, I cried and I cried some more, I ran from teachers trying to help me, because they were adults and they'd just do something to hurt me, and I just ran up to the little corner of the English department and cried some more. I always run to English when I get upset...Its comforting or something, being close to a whole load of books, and I know I'll get peace there. So I don't know what's going to happen when (Fire) gets back off the holiday time she's having, because he's going to call her apparently, (I yelled at him to call her because I didn't want to have the responsibility of deciding what the fuck happens next along with all the other responsibility I have at the moment) I don't want her to be mad at me for flipping my lid, I just...Lost it, he kept saying things my father would say to me. And it got me madder and madder and more emotional by the second. I hope she isn't mad at me, I'd understand if she was, but I'd just prefer it if I could have One adult in the world that doesn't want to hate me/cause me pain. That'd be nice. I'm currently drinking. How fun is that?! Drinking and cutting don't mix however because you're really fearless with the blade, it doesn't hurt as much, so I have to be really careful with how deep I go. Have a good friday night guys, <3