Everything's kicking off lately, I know that's the most chavvy, over-used, terrible phrase in the english language but its pretty accurate. Its like everyone's problems have escalated, there seems to be an increased number of friends planning on suicide, having problems, even being raped, and its so difficult to know what to say to them, to know how to help, because they come to me with their problems, I am your regular agony aunt, and they all want my help and my words of fucking wisdom, when really I'm running out of them, the lake that used to be the home to my helpful phrases and kind words, its drying up fast. And people just keep coming! I don't know what to do, because all of these people have no where else to turn, and I can't turn them away, I have to help them that's just my nature, but then, losing my friend because she doesn't like who I am, I just...I don't know what to do. I HAVE to be this person, because being this person is what helps everyone who need my help, but I didn't want to lose her, but I can't very well just go changing myself, forsake the help that others need just because I wanted to be friends with her, and I really do want to be her friend. I Try to not be a moody cow, but its so difficult sometimes, and when someone has been snapping at you and being a general cow to you for months, it grates on you a bit, so I think its a bit unfair to blame the whole fall out on me, because actually, she's been doing to me for months what I did to her twice and she fell out with me and suddenly its all my fault?! I just...I can't help everyone, and if she doesn't like the person I need to be, well...there's no room for discussion, I can't change my ways to suit her right now, because all these other people need me too, but I need her, and somewhere in this mess, I need to help myself! I need to find a way to cope with my own emotions along side those that I'm being burdened with so others don't have to bare the weight of said burden anymore. And I'm so fucking tired, its taking all my energy to not just rush up to her and break down apologising and crying and just saying it was all my fault for the sake of it, and I fucking miss her and she's hurting me. I just don't know what to do that could possibly help, because there's no way on earth she's ever going to see that she was in the wrong too. And I think if I'm going to apologise I need one in return. Oh its so hard coping without my best friend, I literally just have crying episodes during the day because I've lost her, and I know that I'll never get her back. I know now that I'll never be good enough for her, and at stupid moments of the day I just burst out crying, I'm eating less than I did before, I'm sleeping a whole 0 hours a night, I cant concentrate, I just want my best friend back. That is all. <3
I'm sorry you have all these things going on at once - it must be so hard :/ I think you need to think about yourself - you can't help everyone and if you end up so upset you can't help people then it's worse for everyone, so just try not to overburden yourself with other peoples problems, just for now and maybe talk to your friend and see if you can find a middle ground? If she really is a good friend then she will be just as upset as you are and will want to make up - if not then she doesn't deserve you and isn't worth it. Try to put yourself first :)
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