Because of petty insecurities and jealousy.
Fucking great huh?
So let me explain or you'll never understand. My bestestestestestest friend Ever, (E), has new friends, and I'd be totally fine with that, if I didn't feel so fucking left out with her now, (Honest, I'd be okay with the fact...) I don't want to lose her because she's the only person that's actually stuck by me, but at the same time, I'm not being left out and stuff, if she didn't want to be my friend anymore, she should have just said. Maybe its just me overreacting, but I swear she has been trying to push me away (again) and I don't think I can deal with another round of mind-fuck from her. Don't get me wrong, I adore her, I adore her more than I adore myself (and I'm a vain motherfucker) I just wish I could understand her more now a days...We used to just click together, we used to be amazing, like some unstoppable force (okay, exaggeration, but we were pretty good friends, and I used to know when she was upset and what she was feeling and everything) but now...I barely know when she's in a good mood. I don't need nor do I want to have to jump around her and choose my words carefully like I'm walking on an egg shell bridge over the opening of an active volcano. I just want to be with my friend. I have to be like that enough at home, I don't need it at school too. Maybe I am being petty, I don't want her to be friendless, I just wish that for her to have more friends, it didn't mean she had to leave me behind. I know I don't go to choir (because I'm crap at singing) so I cant bond with them all there, and I know I try to avoid leaving the house (because I'm socially awkward and every time I go out it makes me think too much) but maybe I would go out more if I was invited. Its not like I don't Want to at times, its just that people don't bother with me anymore... I suppose I brought it on myself, maybe I should have just gotten over everything and been a fucking happy person all the god damn time. But I cant. I'm not one of those people, I cant lose her, but it turns out, I already have, even if I didn't snap at her today something would have come up between us...It was only a matter of time I suppose. I just, I wish if she had to ditch me as a friend, it would have been after the school year had ended. I could deal with that, but after being so close, going from best friends to nothing, its going to be difficult to sit next to her every day, to have to talk to her in lessons and at break times. Why cant I just be someone else? Why cant I be happy and bubbly and open to everyone instead of this sullen depressive suspicious person?! Maybe I just don't deserve the chance to be happy. Whatever, have fun reading this :L <3
Of course you deserve to be happy. And wouldn't everything just be easier if we could just magically become happy and bubbly? I don't know about you, but I don't see that happening for me in the foreseeable future.
ReplyDeleteI'm so so so so sorry that you had a falling out with your best friend. I'm in a fight with mine right now and it's so fucking hard because all you want to do is go and vent about it to someone but you can't because the person you would normally talk to is the person you've fallen out with. It sucks so bad. Sending you my love, I hope things get better between you two <3
I know how you feel... I've gone through simular things with friends.. and barely talk to some that I considered my best friend.. it really sucks... I have like two real friends right now and one is my husband,..wow..how lame am I lol
ReplyDeleteI also just recently lost my best friend...she would ditch me a lot too, though she did do a lot worse in several cases :P I ended up turning a blind eye to her for years and the abuse just continued. So maybe it's better this way? I don't know. Just trying to connect a bit from my experience and trying to give advice, which is something I'm not all that good at. So, on that note, sorry for bothering you :P
ReplyDeleteravenkat14@live.com if you wish to contact me ^_^
~Raven
I know what you mean about feeling socially awkward. Whenever people invite me to go out I always decline because i know Ill over think things and end up just feeling really stupid. I'm also super self concious and I always feel like people are looking at me and judging me because I'm skinny, like 'omg i bet she throws up every night' or ' i bet shes on drugs' or 'i bet she starves herself' and though 2 out of 3 of those are true..it still just makes me feel weird to have people know it.
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