Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Will the end justify the means?
So everything's been reasonably calm in ~X~'s house lately, but everybody who knows my mother knows its because she had that CRAZY bitch-like yelling at me the other day...She's had her fill of yelling and stuff for the week, so she'll be calm now for about a week, maybe two, pretend like she's listened to me telling her to stop yelling/emotionally abusing me, then get right back to it. Everything's been calm in head a la ~X~ today too. I've been more in thinking mode than crazy-nervous-breakdown mode, its been pretty peaceful in general eh? So why is my stomach doing the flip-flop thing it does right before something bad happens? Why are my hackles up? Why do I feel so nervous? I think something's going down behind my back, and I don't like it. I need to get out of all modes, I need oblivion, need peace, need Rest. I cant sleep, nightmares, terrible nightmares, they burn in my skull all day and when my head hits the pillow...They're unleashed. Can't sleep, thinking too much, mix thinking and nightmares together you have a great stay awake remedy...Just Need To Get Away. A few hours, that's all. I'm getting fatter. My mum told me I was getting 'too thin' the other day, and I was like 'Bitch please, I'm as big as a whale, fuck you, stop acting like you care' Only, that was in my head, I just went 'oh' and let her pile food onto my plate -.- I'm squeezing exercise in at like 2am and stuff, when everyone else is in bed and I'm avoiding nightmares and thinking :L I feel like sometimes I should just...Die. Just end life here and be done with it, I reckon no one would care plus, it might be suicide but I'd be gone and no longer an inconvenience on anyone, so the end would justify the means...right? I have to go now, I have 4 hours of revision to do before I can think of anything else, just thought I'd update Y'all <3
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Please don't leave...there's always a reason to live. I found a reason after never having one in my life. Do it for someone you care for, yourself, hope. I don't know. I'm not trying to lecture you. I'm just asking, as a fellow blogger, as someone who can relate, as a friend, not to. Still here if you need to or just want to talk :)
ReplyDeleteI will miss you if you go. Not trying to influence you, just thought you should know that I do care about you even though I only know you online. I know you don't know me, and why would you care that I care? Well, I don't know, just want to say that I do. I hope you do get a good rest soon, and manage to escape the nightmares in a positive way. I hope that whatever is happening behind your back (if anything) is not something that will hurt you, you don't deserve that. Also good luck with the revision :)
ReplyDeleteLots of love,
Rain