A little murder on the dance floor calls your name...

Today, was my sisters birthday. It was my 12 year old sisters birthday and I had to talk my 14 year old sister out of suicide. That Sucked. How do you talk someone out of suicide you may be asking yourself? Well, its simple really, you tell them if they die, you'll kill them, they laugh, then you guilt trip them, make them feel bad, like if they leave, you'll be devastated. This isn't me thinking I know everything about this sort of stuff because of this one time, I've done it before, talked people off of bridges before, talked them out of their own deaths, because I'm just nice like that, don't get me wrong I'm not some fucking angel, but sometimes I may as well be, because one wrong word could mean the difference between them alive, and them dead, I'm the intermediary or something. And its killing me. Every time I have to talk someone out of it, every time I have to make them feel good, better at least, every time I have to be sly and sneaky when they come to me for advice on how to do it, I get drained. Emotionally and Physically. It literally takes it out of me. I should feel good really shouldn't I? To have saved someone's life? But I don't, I feel weak, like if I'd have just paid more attention to them then I would have seen the signs and done something about it way sooner. I caved today, because I didn't know what to do, no one wants to see their family die, no one wants to be the one responsible for that, so I called up (Fire) and told her about what my sister was planning on doing, she said she'd help, she said she'd help her, and me. And I believe her, because if I don't believe her, then I have to be willing to accept the fact that coaxing people off of bridges may be all I'm good for in this world, may be all I'm here for. I'm so tired, so so tired, and the lights keep screaming at me. The 8 children sleeping over at my house for my sisters birthday keep screaming, why cant I just be allowed to sleep for a while?! I just need some rest, some sleep that isn't nightmare plagued, its getting harder to resist the voices, its getting harder to not hear what they have to say. I don't want to fight them anymore, but fightings all I know...And I'm so tired, its almost impossible to fight them. I cut again today, because my head keeps spiralling and I needed to focus whilst I talked to my sister, I needed to know exactly what I was going to say. So I cut. Oh the sweet sweet relief I'd been depriving myself of. I thought on tuesday last week that if I could stop cutting then everything would stop...But I cant stop cutting and the voices are coming back whether I cut or not, its times like these I wonder whether I'm supposed to be alive, whether if I died, everyone else would stay living, I wonder what would happen if I were to leave everyone behind... <3