One ticket for a one way train-ride to desire...

Sometimes, I really think I just attract hatred. Even my friends cant stand me most of the time, and no, this isn't a pity party (though it feels that way most of the time) this is just a fact, pure and simple. I'm not able to do anything right at the moment, and most of the time, it feels like I'm just shooting in the dark. And the dark is very much the place I'm at right now, my life's a bit repetitive, wake-up, revise, cut, eat, exercise, cut, shower, bed. I'm literally trapped at the bottom of this big ol' hole of depressive-ness and (E) isn't helping. I adore her, she's my best friend, but she doesn't understand that I'm Not Her... Just because Everyone likes her, it doesn't mean that they All like me too. And at the moment, I can't deal with any sort of bitchiness, it just makes me snap, it literally gets to me too much. I feel like I'm flailing about in the dark with nothing to hold onto to stop me falling and I cant even tell anybody, because the person I'd usually tell, well, she doesn't really care much anymore. She's changed again, and this time I don't think she wanted to take me into this new life she's made for herself. Even if she doesn't see it, I do...It was only a matter of time really before something stupid gave her a chance to like go bitchy, gave me a chance to hate the bitchiness and give her the opportunity to drop me likes last nights left-overs. And its weird, but I've come to accept the fact that she doesn't want me in her life anymore, I mean, why should she? I'm no good for anyone, maybe I've been holding her back from the life with the popular people she's always wanted, maybe now, she can finally full-fill that desire she may have always had, who knows, all I know is, wherever she's going...I'm not invited...Sometimes I really wish I could try harder to be normal and not like me, then maybe I'd have a chance at this place she's off too, but...No point dwelling on something that can never happen, I'm me for life, unfortunately...<3