Waiting for reality to set in...

So its a wednesday evening and I'm un-surprisingly, more calm than I usually am at this time of night on this day. The reason being, I don't have to see the other counsellor tomorrow, I know its mean to feel relieved not to see him, but he's really intense and its every week he's trying to peel back my layers more and more, and he takes me out of school, in the middle of the day, so I go back for my final lessons and I'm all exposed and shook up because I've just had to admit and talk about things I LIKE to Hide. I think its supposed to be helping me, all of this talking about me, all of these feelings I'm supposed to be feeling towards this session etc, (I don't feel these feelings towards the session or him, the apprehension he always brings up that he thinks I'll be feeling, I'm like 'NO! I TOLD YOU THIS LAST WEEK, I DON'T ACTUALLY CARE ENOUGH TO HAVE THESE FEELINGS!' Obviously not yelling, because then he'd think he'd hit a nerve or something and he'd want to continue with the 'feelings' talk. EW.) I don't think I could deal with him this week anyway, I'd get seriously pissed off at him, because with all the shit going on, and the fact I don't have my best friend to come back and just cry on, I'm left a little vulnerable and hard faced, because there's no way in HELL I'm going to talk to him about anything significant if I cant go back to school with the knowledge that I can cry on my best friend and tell her what's worrying me. I haven't been able to do that in such a long time...Just have a crying session with her, and tell her everything, anything, all of it. I miss them. I miss her. But I digress, I'm not going to cry again tonight, I refuse, too many tears have been spilled in the last week alone. I found my black nail polish :) I've been looking EVERYWHERE for it, and I found it hidden under my bed today, so obviously I took off the colour that was on there and put the black on, its the only logical thing to do... My old friend (I used to meet when I'd go on holiday with my nan,) tried to commit suicide today...She took many pills and slit her wrists for good measure. She isn't dead, yet, but she's in hospital. I don't think its quite...set in yet? I mean, why wasn't I there for her more, why didn't I live closer, why couldn't I have done something about it, and why would she be so selfish as to try and leave! I didn't try hard enough to help her, obviously, if I'd have tried harder, she wouldn't have wanted to die, I'm so selfish. Having a pity party for myself when she's in a hospital, probably scared out of her wits, eugh, pathetic me. Have fun reading the update a la alex, ciao <3