A whole load of fucking around.

I went out today. That doesn't sound like such a big deal does it? Let me explain. You see, since last year, when I came back from holiday, I haven't been able to bring myself to leave the house. At least not to meet newer friends, I can meet all my old ones easily, ones from way before the holiday, ones I've known for years, I can meet no problem. But ones I've known from more recently, I just cant do it, because I don't KNOW them, you know? But I actually went out today, I went out and met and old friend, and a newer friend, I'm going to have to get used to meeting and making new friends aren't I really, because lets face it, I start college in september, a college that's not with a lot of my old friends, so I'm going to have to go outside my comfort zone a little bit for that...I'm glad I went out, I was starting to feel suffocated in my house, in my head...I just needed to get out for a bit, I told you my mothers no-yelling thing wouldn't last long, a week and she's starting to get back into that habit again. I wish she'd just stop for a while, so I can sort my head out, so I don't always feel the need to cut, so I don't always feel the need to wonder what it'd be like if I left the world...I caved the other day, I told myself I wasn't going to bother (Fire) the whole holiday, but I caved, and I did, I went and cried on her, I went and talked to her. I'm an idiot, but whatever. I thought I was starting to feel again today...Like REALLY feel something, but no. I'm still an un-feeling, un-caring whore who toys with peoples emotions for kicks. How Pathetic is that! The worst thing is, I Enjoy it, I Live for it. I'm such a sadistic person, I don't even think I deserve to live this life right now. I got 2 hours sleep last night, I'm on day 5 and in total for those 5 days I've had...2 hours sleep. My head is starting the hallucinations again, but what can I do? I can't sleep, the nightmares are too fucking intense, I cant stay awake forever, I Need sleep apparently :L Who Fucking Knew Huh? Have a nice night my darlings, I'm going to resort to staring at ceiling its so fun -.- <3