The pain gets too much, I have to release it...

Wow, so I'm sorry I haven't updated this in like, over a week, I've just been preoccupied and busy and stuff. I went out at the weekend just gone, and I got new clothes (its about fucking time) it was actually a good day, my mother is on these new pills and they chill her the fuck out, its great, however, my siblings come back this weekend, so I bet my life that there'll be yelling again in my house by the end of next week. I've been hanging out with these people who call themselves the 'real bro's' a lot lately (its such a cringey name right?) they're like, the local druggies, but they're pretty fun people, and they get me whatever I want whenever I want it, which is good because right now I just need to get away for the remainder of the month. However, these people are really nice, genuine people. They have a good time and they make me have fun, they make me want to belong to a group of people and not just wander through them all. I meet new people every time I hang out with them, and its just...interesting. I've also been going out with some of my older and dearer friends too, like (G), (F) and my best friend (E), well, I will be hanging out with (E) when she gets back from her holiday, (Lucky bitch)
I've been feeling pretty crappy lately, like, that lovely dark cloud has come to reside back above my head, I've been cutting more, eating less. I went to see (Fire) today, because yesterday I had a moment of clarity where I realised that all this cutting was wrong, she tries to help her, bless, but I'm so difficult most of the time, she doesn't know what to say that I'll listen to, I mean, I listen to it all, but she tells me to think about doing other things when I'm about to cut, and I try to tell her that when I cut, I can't think, its like, my mind just gets taken over for a while and my hands move of their own accord, but I think she thinks I'm just being difficult and denying her help for the sake of it...I'm not though. I usually cut on my hips, I can feel it more there, and there's less of a chance of people seeing it, but I cut on my wrist yesterday, the blade was going crazy, just slicing up my hip again and again, there's barely any room left for more cuts now, so to stop it I sliced it across my wrist a few times, not deep, just enough for me to regain control, it worked...
I don't know what I'm going to do about it, I mean, it Has to stop, I know it does, but I don't know how I can stop it when all of the suggestions of things to do instead of cutting require a clear head to do. And I do not have a clear head. I think that's why I like this new group of people so much, their drugs, they help me get clarity again, they help me to stop cutting whilst I take them. However, I avoid E's, those fucking things have caused me nothing but pain, I mean, if I hadn't been so stupid on my holiday, and let them pop them in my mouth, if I wasn't so stupidly drunk to think they were some form of sweet, well, I might not be a whore. I might not be tainted, things might have been different, I might have been able to stop him, but no, I had to be the stupid naive little girl I was. 11 days to go until its been exactly a year. I just hope I can get through it, I can feel myself getting more and more upset as the day draws nearer, I don't want to do something stupid on it. I want to get through it, because maybe if I get through one of them, I can get through all of them, I can be okay again, who knows, anyway, bye my Angels <3