I need them now, to mend my heart...

So I've been in a crappy place for at least a month now, and I've been blaming it on stupid things like the month or my illness', but the truth is, I'm just down. Like realllllllly down. And I think that's the reason everything else that didn't get to me so much before has become so crazily big of a deal to me. I don't think I've ever been quite as down as I am right now. On a scale of 1-10, I think I'd put myself at the bottom end of a 2 and I don't even know why! I guess everything's just become a bit too much to keep to myself and squashing it all down inside is no longer working for me. I can't focus on helping other people if I can't contain my emotions, and that's what's really got me worried. I mean, not to toot my own horn or anything, but people depend on me. I have friends that rely on me for advice and help, they have no one else to go to. So what's going to happen if I cant give that help to them anymore because I'm too fucking emotional? I can't have another ICU situation. I don't want any of them to feel alone, so I'm doing everything I can to still help them as well as I used to, and I'm doing it okay, but its draining. I feel like every time I finish talking to one of them I'm just going to burst out crying and/or sleep for days on end. And I'm so fucking tired all the time, its crazy, I can barely pull together a coherent sentence if its not needed. I just wish there was something I could do. I can't go to the drugs for solace because I said I wouldn't to (Fire) I can't cut to get away, because I promised (Fire) I wouldn't. And I can't drink like I did a few weeks ago because I have to babysit my teenage sister (Don't even ask about that, she's the baby of the family and she is treated like one to the extent she cannot possibly look after herself.) I have Nothing to help this. Nothing to get me through this. And its so easy for those little fucking ribbons in my head to start spinning their lies again. I don't have the energy to disagree with them, to argue that I am worth something, because right now, I don't feel like I'm worth anything. I am below nothing. I know I'm going to end up doing something I regret soon, and I won't have the capacity to stop myself, because by then, I'll be too far gone, taken over once again by those ridiculous ribbon-voices that bring the pain if you don't listen to them. And I sound totally self-obsessed right now, so I'ma go, bye my Angels <3