Too Much Pressure, Expectations too high.

Results day tomorrow. I cannot explain how nervy I am. I don't particularly want them, because I know already that I've done terribly. I was having a breakdown whilst taking my exams, and everyone's like 'oh you'll have done fine' Will I? Will I really...Because I'm pretty sure on one of my exam papers instead of answering a question I wrote them a list of things I'd rather be doing, most of the things included some form of cutting...But of course I cant tell people this, because I'm supposed to be 'normal' now. Supposed to be 'better'. What does that even mean? Better. How will anyone else know when I'm better?! Isn't that up to me to decide? Isn't that something that only I can know, since I'm pretty fucking good at hiding everything how will anyone else know when I'm better? The answer is they wont. They will never know, because I will never know. So yeah, terrified for tomorrow, what will I do if I've failed? I'll be humiliated if I have to retake two years because my head was fucking me around...I'll just have to become a hobo, chase people round for their gregs or something... There's so much pressure on me to get these marks, for them to be good. My mother wants me to get better than my brother's marks, because she says I work harder, so I should get better marks. She's expecting A's and A*'s, she's told everyone that I'm going to get those marks for sure, so now everyone's expecting perfection from my marks, and I know I won't get what they want. On the flip side, my dad isn't expecting me to get any good marks at all, he think's I'm too stupid to get higher than an F. So with two extremes of what I'm going to get being thrown on me, I just don't want to actually know what I'm getting. I just want to get into college, I wish I could do that without having to have these marks. But then again, I haven't picked any light subjects at college, so what if I snap, what if, under the pressure of those courses, and the pressure of helping everyone, and trying to appear normal, and keep up a social life that fits around college, helping people and my mothers demands, I snap. What will I do then? I'll be the school freak again, for another two years...The one that randomly starts crying, the one that visits counsellors all the time, the one that everyone knows cuts, but they just cant see the cuts...The one that's avoided like the plague. I don't think I can deal with being that kid. Not again. Eugh, I need alcohol, maybe if I go and collect them drunk, the reading of them wouldn't be so bad, but then again, its Enrolment tomorrow too, so I cant turn up there drunk, if I drink early in the day however, I'll be peachy for enrolment...OR I could call up Cam, apologise for picking helping people over him, and ask for something to help calm my nerves...Decisions, decisions. Does anyone else have results day tomorrow? If so let me know how you get on :) bye my Angels <3