365 days and the pains still there...

Well, today is finally here. Its official. Its been a year, and its not any easier to deal with. I mean, I thought earlier this year I was getting better, it was getting easier to deal with, I was getting over it. I thought I'd be better in a years time, easily. But, I'm not. And just the fact that I'm remembering everything today just makes it so much worse, if my mind wasn't wired in a way that everything had to be connected to something else, I might feel better today than I do, but as it stands, just the date is setting off the chain reaction. I feel like death. Worse than death, I feel like I've already been there and done that and now I'm hell instead. I didn't want to get up today. I wanted to stay in bed and hibernate until the day was over, but of course, my family had other plans, I need to babysit my sister and I cannot possibly do that from my bed, even though she shares a room with me and doesn't leave the room ALL DAY. No, couldn't possibly stay in bed. I just want to cry at every waking moment, but I cant because then the siblings will be asking me what's wrong and in this state of mind I'll tell them. I wish I didn't let things get to me as much as I do, that'd help with the whole 'get over it' thing I need to do. I haven't spoken to (Fire) in a week or two, and I think if I had've spoken to her today I'd have probably cried through the whole thing, there wouldn't be any coherent words coming out of my mouth, and lets face it, I've cried on her enough in the past year or so, she doesn't even technically have to deal with me anymore, she just does it because she's nice or something, so I don't want to go and throw all of my tears on her too. That's not fair of me. My friend made a joke about rape yesterday, and normally it wouldn't have bothered me, but because it was yesterday, the day before today, it got to me, like a lot, and I ended up crying for two hours. Its taking all of my feeble strength to not just pick up the blade and cut it all away. But I promised (Fire) I'd try harder (though why I made this fucking promise like a week before today I'll never know, I'm a fucking crazy bitch) Its taking even more will-power to not just call up (C) and get something to take the pain away. I mean, it'd be so easy. All I have to do is just press the little green phone, ask for some pills and I'll be away from here. But again, I promised (Fire) I wouldn't take the drugs. (I'm beginning to regret the word 'promise') For now I'm having to resort to mixing my medication with painkillers, its great but it doesn't give me the same 'fuck off I'm not home' feeling that the other pills do. I'm a train-wreck really... Anyway, bye my Angels <3