I guess I'm weaker now.

I've gone back down again, I have been at a 4 for the past few days, but I'm back at a 2 now. My usual place to be. Its my mums boyfriends' birthday today, I should probably call him step-dad since he's been with her for like nearly 10 years, but I just don't like the idea of him having that much authority over me, I mean, they aren't married, so 'mums boyfriend' is technically an accurate statement...Anyway, so its a really shitty time for me to be feeling this crappy. The family's coming over later and I don't know if I have the energy to plaster on a fake smile and dress up to the nines for them. I think I'll possibly just break down and cry or something, its getting increasingly difficult to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning, its even more difficult to find a reason as to why I Shouldn't cut. My ribbons have gotten out of control again, they like to torment me now, like any weird voices in a head should I guess, but they aren't voices, so you'd think they'd behave differently, well, at least I would. But I guess they're just the same...I've taken to drinking copious amounts of alcohol and taking painkillers to escape. It works, its great. I'm not cutting, so I'm not breaking the promise to (Fire) and its not like its too dangerous or anything, it helps me, it lets me escape life, I can be anyone I want when I'm drunk, I don't have to give a crap about anything, because nothing can get to me, I am invincible, I keep a bottle of anything by my bedside now, I hide it behind my wardrobe so my sister doesn't see it and drink it thinking she's being clever, because knowing her, she'll see a bottle of vodka and think 'oh, I can drink all of that, I can be a grown-up', and not realise that she'll probably kill herself being 12 if she does drink the whole bottle...I'm slipping back into the crazy ways I was before, I can feel the need to kill myself exercising working its way back into my brain, I can feel the disgust at all things with more than 0 calories, I can feel the need to be sick if I eat any of them. But most of all I feel the need to cut, as a punishment for leaving those ways behind. I don't know how much longer I can hold it off...I hate myself every time I drink. Not because I'm drinking, but because of the calories in the alcohol. It makes me want to cry. I obviously used to be a lot stronger than I am now, because I used to just deal with it all, and now I'm drinking to take the disgust away. I'm weak now. Too weak, and all it will take is just that one tiny push and I'll be gone, back over the edge, back into the territory I'd rather not be in...I don't know what I'm going to do at college. I guess I'll live...Anyway, bye my Angels <3