The truth is, I have no idea.

My mum sat down and talked to me today (she was trying to take her mind off of the argument she'd had with her boyfriend over his alcohol issues) and told me that she'd never taught me to read, not her, nor school. How the fuck did I learn to read?! I AM MATILDA IN DIFFERENT FORM! She also said she never gave me enough credit for all that I did when I was younger and the fact she never praised what I did is probably the reason I don't think I can do anything now a days, gee, it makes me feel so much better to know that you didn't praise me as a child, I was worthless from a young age huh?
 People don't understand me. I sound like a really whiney teenager when I say that but they really don't, they don't understand why I like neatness, why I hate hugging people, why I don't like people touching my possessions, why my smile never quite reaches my eyes even when I say I'm fine. Everything about me is like one big mystery game to them, but when they get bored of playing it, I'm just that old board game you had as a child that you gave to goodwill. I don't think any person (Except for my bestest friend in the whole entire world that I can never get rid of because she knows far too much about me and lets face it, she's my blood sister so I wouldn't want to anyway) has ever wanted to see what was beneath my façade for more than a month tops. Has ever...Wanted to be around me, to find out more about me without having some ulterior motive, like wanting to fuck me because they've heard about me from the days when I was battling a very specific demon inside of me that caused me to act out and think I was nothing more than a worthless whore because that's how I'd been treated so it must be true, and they want a try of the 'no string attached sex' I apparently had a habit of giving out very frequently when I was given pills and/or alcohol. I don't remember these times, I make out like I'm happy about it all, but in actuality I'm scared of what else I did about a year back, I make it out as if I know exactly who with and how many times I've had sex, but I don't know. Its terrifying to think that I got so bad that my mind just blocked everything from me. But because they've heard about those apparent times that's all they want from me. I cant trust people, I've been hurt so much and let down too frequently to trust anyone easily, this is why I want that one male friend I can tell everything to, I can see whenever, I can cry on without fear of being called silly, I can be myself around and not this person I have to be to everyone, I already have a female perspective and males are less judgemental, I just want to feel cared for, to feel safe in a friendship, I don't want to be the whore. I am not happy about this life I have to live but there's nothing I can do, and I'm all alone in everything. There are some things, I just don't want to tell my best friend, I don't want her to think any differently of me, to feel like I'm a waste of her time or something, I don't want her to be ashamed of me, this is one of those things, so I have no one. I'm all alone losing this battle with the raging ribbons inside of me and all I want is some sort of compassion that I will never get. I should've learnt by now that worthless whores aren't built to be given compassion, silly me for wishing. Bye my Angels <3