I don't want to be used but its all I allow myself to be.

My dream last night was a...weird one to say the least. It doesn't take a genius to work out that my subconscious is telling me its time for sex again. I don't want it like before, I mean, I don't want to lose control again and go on another tangent because I think I'm a worthless whore. It won't be like that again I know unless...That happens again, but I doubt it, I've learnt to defend myself since then. But, I don't know, I've never had sex outside of my 'whore is all your good for' days, never with anyone I particularly liked from what I've been told, I mean, if I liked them all that much, I'd remember them, surely? No matter what I'm like in those moods I'm sure I'll be practically a virgin out of them, when a person doesn't have any self doubt because they're completely off their heads they develop a few skills, but without being that drunk/wired I'm not sure I'll even be worth my title of whore. Plus, there's the whole issue of finding someone that can deal with my extreme mood swings, my scars/cuts, my lack of confidence, Me. I don't think I'll ever find a person like that, I know sex is just sex but I don't want to be used anymore, I'm tired of it, I know I hate commitment, it frightens me to death, just the thought of being tied down to one person forever sends shivers down my spine (and not the good kind) but I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I was comfortable around the person, if they accepted me. Take (E) for example, I know it didn't work out (For the obvious reason that she doesn't have a penis) but I never felt scared to be with her, not once, I never felt claustrophobic in that relationship (if you can call it that, I guess you can) so if I just find a male version of her, I'll be sorted. However, they'd have to be a complete twat to me occasionally, I hate those relationships where they never say a mean word to each other and break up after a week because they cant stand it, I'm going to be a twat to them, they may as well be one back, plus, its fun to be a dick, gives me my kicks in life. Ew, I'm talking about relationships like that is ever going to happen, I'm going to crawl back into my metaphorical hole now and go back to being the introverted bitch who no one can stand and doesn't want anyone in her life. Bye my Angels <3