Crying from lack of release. Sad.

I feel awful. Its gotten to the stage that I cry if I don't have a blade to use that night. I thought I was getting better, but I wasn't. That's what my head does to get its kicks, it makes me think I'm getting back the resemblance of normality and then it throws me back into the darkest depths of the ocean inside my head and bury's me just so its harder to escape. I'd say I feel like I'm dying but I'm pretty sure this is what death feels like, so I'm most likely already dead (if only). This pill I'm on is making me terrible, its causing me to gain weight as quick as anything and making it impossible (regardless of the amount of exercise, purging and starvation) to lose any. Apparently its a 'common side effect' so I'm going to the doctors and requesting a new one because I'm not having this all my life, if it keeps making me gain I'll be like 50 pounds by next christmas, that doesn't really work for me since my target to reach by then is 80. I've taken to self medicating again (nothing big yet, just various assortments of painkillers and some prescription drugs my friend didn't want) to stop the voices being so loud. If I could I'd get rid of all of them quite happily because the splitting head pain that comes with them is too much to deal with. I haven't spoken to (Fire) or the college counsellor in over a month, in a way, I miss it, I have a lot to talk about and no one to talk about it with, I cant talk to my friends about it really because I don't want to burden and they wouldn't understand, and this blog doesn't permit me to write short posts like 10+ times a day so I'm stuck. I cant write in a book because my Mother keeps finding them. I just have to keep it all locked up. This whole bottling trick is fine but there's so much in there that my monthly breakdowns are occurring more frequently and lasting longer lengths of time. I mean, twice a month doesn't seem like a bad thing, but that means for around 6 days of the month I'm having breakdowns, that's 3 weekends in that perspective, nearly a week a month is spent breaking down, its not fun. I've decided I am a person that deserves hatred, so I've made more people feel they hate me, its a simple matter of being equal parts distant, pathetic and annoying. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so good at manipulation so I couldn't make people feel the way I want them to feel about me, but I am, and I can so I do, why allow people to make the same decisions about you in 12 months if you can make them think of them in one week, its just wasting time isn't it? Anyway, I'm off to read now to take my mind off of everything this world has to offer (which is very little anyway) Bye my Angels <3