I'll wish until my hope is crushed, then I'll fall.

I'm hurting. So much pain. I feel like...I'm past death, like I'm on the other side, where all the dark things hide. I didn't think when I first pulled the blade across my skin that it would be my only decent reliever of this pain, I didn't think I'd be so dependent on it. But it is, and I am. At the moment I'm not sure whether I'm going to scream or cry or just end it all, I cant think straight because my head is swimming with the screeches of the voices, they're having a good day today, they're feeling good about themselves, sure of themselves and their purpose. Every minute I listen to them is a minute closer to trying to rip them out of me. I cant handle it, how was I ever supposed to handle this? I feel like tearing myself in two just so they'll be happy, at least I'll weigh less if I'm only half of me. I'm emotional, yet empty, I'm not even sure how this works, I feel like I'm so close to tears but they never fall, I think I'm about to scream but no noise comes out. I am hollow. Hollow and dying. My music, no matter how much it used to cheer me up, to make my mood lighter, isn't helping. It keeps putting on songs that just bring back memories I don't want, fucking crappy spotify. I've pushed away so many friends lately, they don't deserve to have to deal with me. I don't want them around me, I know I'd just hurt them, or let them down. I have no one, no one to talk to about anything, I think that's my biggest wish for this year, to find a friend I can be so close with, I can see whenever and can talk to/tell anything. I will wish for that friend, every night. I know I'll never have that friend though, I'm not meant to not be lonely. I am meant to live in this constant sorrow alone. Some things are just meant to be I guess. Its stupid to wish for things we know we won't ever get, but I guess its something to, hope for. I now have something to hope for in life. That'll keep me going for a while, until I realise its never going to happen, my hope is crushed and I plummet further into this hole but this time I'll be buried. Bye my Angels <3