I saw one of my counsellors the other day (the one that always makes me feel like crap before I go back to school) and he asked me what I was and wasn't getting out of these sessions and what I wanted to get and all this, and I think he genuinely believed I had an opinion on them apart from I Fucking Hate Feeling Like Shit. What am I getting out of those meetings, I Don't Know, Tears? What do I want to get from them, Less Tears? I think he thought being forceful on those questions would make me spill some non-existent answers because when I said 'I don't know' he just wouldn't accept the fact I genuinely didn't have a fucking clue how to answer them. On Tuesday (if I make it that far) it will have been a month exactly since I stopped cutting, and its so bloody hard. Can you get withdrawal from cutting? because I reckon I have it. Every thought leads me back to the blade, every memory is tainted by the physical need to run it over my skin and see the blood bead out and paint my skin. I cannot take this for much longer, Its making me edgy and hostile and nervous and I don't like it. I preferred myself when I was cutting and creating the work of art on my skin. (Fire) is really proud of me, I think she's the reason I want to make it to a month, just to prove to her that I can do something she asks me to. That I'm not trying to be a waste of her time... I got my prom shoes today, they're GORGEOUS. The heels are like 5 inches though and I don't know how the hell I'm going to walk in them. I started drawing again the other day, I haven't drawn in such a long time and it felt good to create something, to just let my brain and its ideas flow, I'm so tired lately, what with the extra school work and more and more people needing my help and trying to fit my measly bit of a social life into my schedule, I take any opportunity to sleep, but I can't sleep without having nightmares, they just plague my sleeping moments, torturing me. I wake up feeling worse than I did when I went to sleep, its horrid, and I'm trying to keep myself happy and up-beat so I don't seem like I only care about myself and so I don't depress my friends, but it takes all my energy not to just cry most days. Take thursday morning for example, I was on a particularly down day and I cried because it was raining, I stepped out of my house, and cried at the weather, I mean...WTF right?! I don't know how much more I can take on without having a breakdown. But I'm not telling everybody that, I'm telling everyone I'm fine and I'm great and everything's fine and yeah, I just, don't want them worrying about me anymore, I'm the one that worries. They don't need to. I met someone today, a friend I rarely meet. It was decent, I was sure at more than one point he was going to kiss me though, so I avoided those as tactfully as I could (I pretended I was invisible by covering my face with my hands, or I ran to another part of the parky thing we were at...) I don't know why I avoided it, I just think, I'll have to accept that maybe he does like me if I kiss him. And then it'll be awkward and I'll turn psycho and push him away because I'll feel that he won't be having a good enough life whilst I'm around and I'm really just a self-sabotaging cow. Ciao my darlings <3
Wow you had some stuff going on. I understand what you are talking about with the cutting. I remember I went um what was it. 2 years without cutting and then just lost it. Before I lost I had to keep talking myself out of doing it. I just like the way it made me feel, the marks it left behind, knowing I did it. Crazy I know.
ReplyDeleteThank god I am married now. I am so scared of being close to men now. I am afraid I will screw them up like I did to my husband. I feel like a burden on guys sometimes with all of my issues.
Gosh, you have a lot of things going on! I'm not sure I like the sound of that counsillor :S but I'm half you aren't cutting - one month is an amazing achievement and I'm sure you can manage it and then keep it up even longer :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are feeling so down -gosh you are such a lovely kind person, but I really think you should put yourself first! I hope your mood improves soon though :)
Argh it's always awkward when I guy likes you, but you don't like him - at least you are nice enough to push them away - I play with them :/ I hope things work out alright for you though :)
Lottie x