Why cant you be happy for me? BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER GIVEN ME ANYTHING TO BE HAPPY FOR!

I'm going to my nanny's today, my dad will be there. I haven't spoken to him since I yelled at him for being such a horrible father. That sounds like something a horrible daughter would do but let me fill you in...So my dad hasn't really ever been around, he left me at about a month old for some cheep tart and has had a string of them ever since. Up until I was about 13, every other weekend was 'dads weekend' which is where me and my brother and sister would go to our fathers houses. My dad didn't have a house suitable enough for me so I'd go to my nanny's, and every weekend I'd wish for him to be there, to acknowledge my existence, and every weekend he never showed. After I was 13 I stopped wishing. He used to come every now and again, to take me out somewhere and parade me around for his friends to show them what a perfect daughter he'd raised and I was supposed to be good and polite and perfect, if I wasn't up to scratch he'd call me all the names under the sun and not see me for 6 months. This guy never paid my maintenance, he was never interested in anything I did, even when I was so excited about getting the solo performance in my year 6 choir he asked me why I was wasting my time singing when I had a voice that sounded like a cat being strangled. He's never been happy/good for me yet I've always wanted him around, always hoped that one day he'd change. And I really thought he was doing. Then he decided to move to america to get away from me. Devastated isn't the right word but its the only one close enough to what I was feeling when he told me 'I'm going to america, I won't have to pay for you there, I'll have a better life, a new, better family, I'll have everything this place could never give me. I hope you'll be happy for me, I'm getting everything I ever wanted.' So for 3 years I've tried to be happy for him, to hide my pain when he says harsh things to me, he's had to come back over to England for a while to get his visa done or something and then he'll be gone for good. Then, last week, he sprung on me the fact he was planning on having another child and I flipped. That poor child is either going to go through this pain every day of wondering what they ever did wrong to make their father hate them so much, OR its going to get everything I never had. Its going to get a good father that sticks around and cares for it and Loves it. Now, either way, that's maddening as hell. If this kid gets a good life with its dad, I don't know what I'll do, maybe it'll be a boy, the gender he wanted in the first place. Maybe it wont disappoint my father, maybe he'll be able to mould this little child how he wants it to be, maybe it wont be a fuck up to him. Maybe, just maybe, he'll forget I ever existed, because I'm not worth his time if this new child is his idea of perfect. I know he doesn't sound bad the way I explained him, but this guy has been horrible to me for a stupidly long time, he throws this news at me and expects a congratulations I'm so happy for you. He didn't expect what I gave him. And now I'm going staying over at my nanny's for the night with him there...Yay. Anyway, I'm crying now like an idiot so I'll leave you to whatever you were doing. Bye my Angels <3