I felt like a poodle on show.

I'm sorry I've been such a terrible blogger lately. I'm sorry I've barely been posting and the times I have posted they haven't exactly been...PC/Nice. I've had a lot going on and I know that's no excuse as all but my brain hasn't been able to function in a way even I can understand, so there was no point in posting because I'd have just mind-fucked you all with my impossible ramblings...Get me?
 I went and saw (Irrit) again the other day, for the first time in 6 months, at least. It was as bad as I remember. I went in (having been told that it was actively seek this help or be dragged to hospital) and I sat in a room with NO WINDOW and managed not to freak out (Personal achievement) I answered all of his intrusive questions to the best of my ability, but then he started asking me to elaborate. For example, he asked me about cutting, how often I did it etc, and then when I told him the answer, he asked me why, so I said that there doesn't always have to be some trigger to it, sometimes I just feel like there's something building up to the point of exploding inside of me, and it needs to be released and sometimes, the only way to do that, to properly release this overwhelming pain, is to cut. Other times I need to feel something, other times its because I'm hideous and need to punish myself. So after telling him all of that, he asked me to elaborate on why. I couldn't tell him anymore, because I'd told him what I thought about at the time. He called in the college counsellor and told her I wasn't cooperating, because I COULDN'T tell him. It was fucking ridiculous. I didn't want to be there in the first place and he's spreading lies about my cooperation. I could've killed him. I could've killed him and then myself because afterwards I had to have a check-up, I had to show someone my cuts/scars. It was humiliating. I don't exactly cut in...Easy to get to places, the pants had to come off (Thank fuck I shaved) The top had to come up (she saw my fat, I cringed a lot, the worst part is, there isn't even any on my stomach or anywhere that needed the top to come up, I think she just wanted to perv on my boobs or laugh at my stomach) I didn't want to do it at all. I felt exposed, like my mental state was on show for the world to see. I'm bored with life. My skin itches, under my skin itches with the hope of being cut. Anyway, that is all I have to say right now, I don't want to give you too much at once, you might die of like, overwhelming feelings towards my life, that'd suck. Bye my Angels <3