Not saying I could, but if the opportunity arose...

My scratching habit is back, the one where when I get nervous or sad or scared of any of those kind of emotions I will scratch the skin off of my arms and not realise I've done it until afterwards when they're bleeding, my teacher pointed it out today, I told her I fell, she asked me how it could possibly be from falling if its still bleeding fresh blood and I'd been in the lesson an hour...In true ~X~ fashion I did an awkward half smile and avoided the subject like a pro. I miss feelings. The only one I can feel now a days is this crippling sadness, the rest are as fake as a footballer's wife. I just miss the luxury of feeling happy, of believing that its not all bad I cant believe that now, because I know it is all bad. When I started feeling the onset of all of this about 3 years ago I ignored it, thought it was wrong to feel like this, tried my best to fight it, 2 years ago I snapped and everything I'd tried so hard to avoid all came rushing out at once, all the darkness that I'd suppressed, all the pain, the memories everything. I thought after that outburst it would all go away, that I was just having a bit of a breakdown, now, 2 years on, I think its safe to say that I was no where near the mark. I got given the 'you have everything going for you, your whole life ahead of you speech' and all the way though it I was correcting it 'you have your whole life ahead of you *well, maybe another week or two until the pain gets too much and I just want to sleep forever, never wake up*' 'You have everything going for you *Oh, yes, because scars and a fucked up head is so attractive, being fat and ugly too, who knew?*' I've been doing this a lot lately, I guess its good I get to keep my warped sarcasm whilst everything else is leaving me. I can feel my life slipping away from me, unfortunately I cant say the same for the fat on me. I think I've reached that plateau where it gets increasingly difficult to lose weight (Just another excuse to do more strenuous exercise and purge till my nose bleeds daily really) In an interview the other day I got asked if I was suicidal, when I answered 'kind of' she asked me to clarify so I simply stated that I probably didn't have the guts to kill myself outright, but if I for some reason fell on the train tracks when the train was coming, I wouldn't move. (Now she thinks I cant kill myself...Silly woman, she's believing my lies, for a girl who hates drama I sure can act. Now she's off my scent about the whole suicide thing so I'll be able to do it freely when I choose to) I was also told by one of my doctors the other day that taking pills would be more likely to kill me than someone else without my stuff wrong. I think if I killed myself via pills I'd make them sleeping pills, simply because I'd like to know I was able to finally sleep properly on the day of my eternal rest...For the gigs. I think I might write something about my issues, so that when I do decide its my time to go, people can...try to understand the reasons behind it. They will have some basic recognition of the fact it wasn't attention seeking like my mother would believe it to be. Hmm, who knows, I see (Fire) tomorrow, hopefully I'll get some form of mental clarity for half an hour from that. Anyway. Bye my Angels <3