I used to be scared I'd cut too deep...Now, I don't care.

So apparently this guy that messed with my head so entirely this weekend is with someone already. That answers my questions, now usually, the guy being with someone wouldn't stop me from taking what I wanted, but...This has gone on too long now. I'm confused about him because nothing has happened, I'd prefer it if something did, fireworks or repulsion could come with a kiss, that could point me in the right direction. And even though I know its wrong, my heart still hurts a little bit, I feel like I've been messed around again, and I know TECHNICALLY I haven't, but that's not stopping my mind from telling me I have, because I'm worthless when I'm fat. I hate myself for letting myself think anything could happen between me and anyone. If this hadn't have happened then my fear of commitment would've kicked in and I'd have ran for the hills. I think I'm in need of a good fuck. Maybe with some pills and alcohol. On an empty stomach. with my scars glistening from the fresh blood pouring from them. I think that will help me get away. I have a few potential candidates from college, I think some of them won't mind casual no strings sex, but then they might mind the cuts, so I'll have to pick very specifically. I've had some really obvious/red scar on my arm now for about 3 weeks, its only just turned into a scar, and No one has noticed. I love it. Its beautiful. I'm going to reopen it tonight when I'm doing my normal cuts, it looks perfect in contrast to the rest of my arms. I used to be really concerned with cutting on my arms because my veins are quite...predominant/I can see them a lot. But now I really don't care, if I slice the vein then whoops. I think I've lost the respect for my life, the Want to live now, that was what was stopping me from slicing my arms open before, it was the knowledge that if I do it too deep then I'd be in trouble...Now its like a game, 'how deep can you cut today ~X~?' 'We'll see brain, we'll see.' I wish I had more friends that understood this, I have to hide everything from everyone. Even some of it from my best friend, I wish someone that could empathise with me would befriend me. Or at least like, talk to me more, they don't really have to be my friends at all, I don't particularly like friends anyway, I just, I don't even know, I need to talk to somebody besides counsellors and a best friend that tries her hardest to understand but never really gets it. Bye my Angels <3