List 99.

How nice of people to tell me about List 99 AFTER everything has gone on. My dream job has been to teach primary school children since I was 5 and now I can't do it because of this stupid list I have been put on. Its basically this list that you get put on if you have any "Mental health issues" in your life, and you can never get off it. If your doctor or school has any worries about your health it goes on your record, you go on this list, and you can never work with children. And no one tells me about it before everything that is going on, is going on! Thanks school -.- You're always going on about my future career and you have just taken it away from me. Nice. Eugh, I don't know what to do with myself, the only thing I have got now for myself that cannot be taken away, is this blog, and Ana. That's it. Everything else has just gone, I have no dreams, no desires, no aspirations, Poof. Finito. Nada. I'm actually devastated -.- And I think I should be angry, but I don't have the energy... Ah well, I go on holiday soon, maybe everything will be so much brighter after that, or maybe not. Has anything ever gotten in the way of what you want to do? How did you get around it? Did you get around it? Think Thin <3

The confessions from this shopaholic.

So, if its not completely obvious via the title, I went shopping today. It was some much needed retail therapy, one reason being that I needed holiday clothes since I go next week and didn't actually have any :L My shopping budget from my mother was supposed to have been cut in half because my sister and brother got the money and not me, but then they always seem to do that, steal things that were meant to be for me or are mine xD its no surprise really, I am only the middle child... Anyway! my budget didn't get cut in the end and and I ended up spending like £200 pounds :') Its going to be a good holiday ;D My mother thought some of the outfits were hideous but I really liked them so you know what mother, Fuck you ;D So yeah, after my holiday I shall be sure to upload the pictures of the clothes, hopefully they will look decent on me, but if we're going off today's amount of food, I will look like a fattie trying to fit in... I was made to eat breakfast because "you don't know when you will get to eat again before tea" my only thought was never I hope -.- so that consisted of a chocolate chip weetabix because that was the only thing in apart from Belgian waffles, and that would have been a crime. Then the mother and nanny took me and my sister (Yep she came shopping with me again, because she might see something she likes and whine until she gets it) for a lunch at Pizza Express. I almost cried when they said they had booked it. I had DOUGH BALLS -.- what a fucking idiot I am for eating balls of dough and garlic butter. Then I went to the bathroom to like get rid of them and I came back and the family had ordered me a Mozzarella Pizza <<< Not even the small one. Thankfully I wasn't made to have desert because then I would have had to do Loads to get it off. I don't think people understand that I have to force myself to eat anything that doesn't burn more calories to eat it than it has in it... So yeah, the day went well sort of. How did aller'yall's day's go? Hopefully Good This person may be a bit of a bitch, but she's thin! <3

Trying to live my fairytale ways...

Thanks, WhiteSkinnyAngel, you may have only wrote your comment on yesterdays post, but it gave me that kick I have been needing for some time. You were right, I do stay at home too much really and its just making me lazy, so I took your advice and went out for the day with a friend (or two)... It was interesting, my first friend that I went out with (since I've been out like more than once today) Sehher, she was great, and she asked me what was wrong and you know, I told her. I told her what she wanted to know, and she said she had already guessed about Ana and the cutting, but you know what she said? She said that she didn't care because she still loved me like a sister, and will do until the day she dies :') I actually almost cried, but I had to scold myself out of crying, I have been doing it way too much on poor unknowing people lately, its not happening again :L I just thought that that was the nicest thing that someone has said to me since I'd decided I was different and sick of hiding everything from everyone. The nicest thing someone has said to me since people have been drifting away from the crazy person, from the person who hurts herself so she might not care if she hurts you. The person who is first and foremost a pacifist therefore would never hurt you xD but people don't see that, they see my addiction to my faith, and my addiction to Ana, that's about all they have to see before they decide not the be friendly towards me. So yeah, the second person was my best friend (and blood sister) the one I'm not allowed to see because she's a "bad influence on me" Emily. I loved it, it was carefree and happy and just a generally nice chat, I had to leave earlier than I'd have liked, because I'm still not allowed to see her and I didn't want to make my mum wonder why I wasn't home. I wish I could stay with Emily forever. I wouldn't care if I had to leave everyone I was friends with, I wouldn't care if I had to leave all my family behind. As long as I was with Emily everything would be okay, we could make new friends somewhere else and the family, well my family isn't really that... Decent to me anyway. I would miss them all from time to time, every one of them including my mother, but I'd have Emily. Any time I wanted her she would be there for me. To help me through anything, because she is like a sister to me, she does have my blood in her after all, there's an unbreakable bond between us now. Oh gosh, I sound rather... like a lesbian I suppose, but I'm not, I just miss her terribly, every day a little more, gahh, I sound pathetic. Moping like this. Its not right, its too emotion filled and I've buried the emotional part of me somewhere deep inside now so she cannot do anymore damage :L I need a run to clear my head. Stay strong <3 

I'll say it again...Laaaazzzzy.

Yes, I'm such a hypocrite that I call my friends lazy for not wanting to walk anywhere, yet I didn't arise from my slumber today until half 12. Granted I didn't get to sleep until around 5 the same morning but that's no excuse really. That's like a whole day gone -.- All because I was committed to the thought of finishing this book I was reading. I suppose it shouldn't shock me that my body needs sleep and everything but, its going quite well without food so I just assume I'm some sort of invincible kid and can go without sleep. Apparently not. And what's worse I was supposed to be going to like one of my best friends houses today (one of the ones I am still allowed to see) and I didn't get up for it! How nasty did I feel -.- And I think she thinks I'm avoiding her or something along those lines because this is like the third time I haven't been allowed to her house this week, Yep. That's right, the third time I have said I'd see her this week and for some reason or other not been able to. Because that's just the sort of bitchy friend I am. So yeah, great start to the day, then I go downstairs trying to find my phone charger that had mysteriously vanished from the underside of my bed on Monday and I find a scrawled note by the phone telling me that one of my counsellors had called for me and I hadn't woken up for her, and that she was expecting me to phone her back. I really dislike this counsellor, she throws questions at me and catches me off guard. I am NOT going to call her back. I'd have to be an idiot to even think about doing that :L And I like to think that I am pretty smart in how to handle this crappy situation... Do sales people ever get the message that your mother works all day and won't be available to talk to them, ever, because she really doesn't want to? Or do you think they just call up like 15 times a day just to irritate me? Drive me as crazy as people think I am xD I'm starting to wonder... So yeah, Great day :L In theory it wasn't as bad as it seems, but in practice, it was every bit if not worse as tedious as it sounds. If that makes sense, I really don't think I should be in the top set English, I can barely understand the sentences I put together most of the time, but hey, you got to try and do something good somewhere along the line eh? :) Stay strong <3 

How very promising. -.-

Wow. What a great thing for a horoscope to say. "Today you need to dive into whatever situation or opportunities that arise as long as you don't have any thoughts about being a failure, Capricorn. Whatever problems may come up today can be resolved when they do; just concentrate on the task you're dealing with and stay calm. Don't let yourself panic; going with the flow is your key to success today. Your situation has a way to right itself today, and even if you have to do something to adjust to an unexpected crisis, you're likely to succeed, thanks to the Moon's transit." That's Very nice of you Mrs scary know my thoughts person, but really, if this is talking about the problem I think its talking about, which would be this situation with the counsellor I'm supposed to be seeing but hasn't actually called yet, because really I'm hoping they have forgotten, then I really don't want everything to work out brilliantly. WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO CODED!!! Can't people just tell you that you're whining and get over with it?! Everything that is done around me now is so careful, like if they do any of the things they used to do with me I'll crack and go completely crazy or something, I'm going crazy being checked up on all the time! And what's worse, my mother now has me babysitting my 11 year old sister, she isn't even fricken young and I have to look after her, this is what she is doing to stop me seeing my best friend. The one I can't see anymore until she has been told by at least three people that I am mentally stable, -.- Can no one see that all these measures and lengths the people are going to to keep me and my friends apart are making me less stable than I was before?!  I saw the person that told my mother about my blog yesterday... He was Very polite to me, I think he knew if he said anything I didn't like I would be on him like a bear to an evening meal. If that makes sense to you. Its one of my strange ways of saying I would have killed  him without a seconds thought as to the repercussions of my actions. Wow, I am such a whiner. I'm constantly whining and you guys must get sick of it really :L I wonder why you stick around at times I really do... So if anyone would like to tell me why you actually do stick around I would be honoured :') Stay strong <3

True Small Town Style.

Yes, its a bit of a stupid style title, but I have figured out what I am going to do and be in my future. You want to hear it...Of course you do, you're interested now :L Well. I shall go to College and Uni and get reasonable degrees and a good education as such, and then I shall become a teacher for a few years, but then that shall not be enough, so I shall quit teaching and become a whore instead and work in a local brothel that no one but a select few knows where it is. Then after enough years of that I shall have accumulated enough money to quit the business (providing I haven't been shot, killed, or gotten into drugs/alcohol) and buy a book store, where I shall spend the remainder of my days quite happy. See, I told you, you were interested :P This is the type of thing being alone in a room all night does to a person! It messes with your head I tell you! I'm mad now, madder than everyone was telling me I was before ;D So yes, I need to get this weight off, another great reason, because my future depends on it. No one wants a fat whore ;D Oh dear, the mother is doing her rounds now to check I am "Okay" -.- sometimes I really resent the things people have to stick their noses into, she wouldn't have to be checking on my mental stability if some God loving folk hadn't come round telling her and school that she was a bad mother -.- Fml. Seriously though, how's your days been :') better than mine I hope, Bye my darlings <3

The night casts unwanted shadows...

Wow, this is two in one day, I must really love you guys... Or be sat alone in a room the size of Jupiter at my Nana's house on my own, in a huge bed, on my own, with the rooms outside of this one creaking. Did I mention I was on my own? I hate being alone, especially in this room, it has this full length mirror right in front of where I lie on the bed, so right now I can actually see myself even though I am in bed, and let me tell you, all I can see is the shadows that are being cast on my face by the fat that is there... Its disgraceful! I can literally see every bit of fat on my face, sticking out and making me look god awful, how can people stand to be seen with such a fattie?! I couldn't! I look like I have some sort of moustache around my mouth because my cheeks are these chubby things and it just pushes lines around my mouth -.- How could I have ever thought that looking like this was pretty? So yeah, sat alone in a room with a mirror as big as the wall that you're facing, is Never a good thing. Sat alone in a room with a mirror is pretty bad and sat with a mirror in the room is even worse, regardless of whether you are alone or not -.- I think I shall ban all mirrors when I am older. At least in my house anyway, no mirrors shall be permitted to enter there, unless they are those flattering ones that make you look like 100 pounds thinner. They can come in. Sorry, Just figured I should keep myself busy, and keep you lot updated on the minute to minute things that are going on with me. I shall leave you to it now... Night m'lovelys! Have sweet skinny dreams <3

Burnt lungs, Sour taste...

So some of you that have read my other blog will know that a lot of my posts' titles relate to the music I'm listening to at the moment, but this lyric was particularly accurate because at the moment all of the food I used to adore makes me feel sick looking at it now, and if I have to eat it everything tastes sour and terrible, its like choking down soluble tablets that are the size of your fist, it doesn't want to happen! Mother says I cannot see my best friend anymore until I have been psycho analysed and seen to be stable enough to go out alone. What an idiot, doesn't she know that I'm just going to lie to the psychiatrist and make myself seem normal again so I can see her, does she really think I'm stupid and would want to blurt all my problems out to someone who's getting paid to secretly judge me, Not A Chance. Her favourite line for me at the moment is "its for your own good" trying to take Ana and my friends and any self respect I have away from me is not for my own good at all, mothers eh? They think they know what's going on in your head because they gave birth to you, but really that have no clue unless you're one of those totally honest and open people with your mother, in which case, good on you... I have already planned out what this psychiatrist will say to me anyway, it will start with the general how are you today? and how does this emotion make you feel, and then it will go onto what bought you and Ana together, and what are foods that you class as safe. Its always the same, and from last weeks mess with school counsellors and people trying to help me cope and shit like that, I have a pretty good idea about what he is going to say to me. I suppose if I am feeling particularly bitchy with my mother for taking me to this person I could blame all my problems on her, because she is basically the cause of all my problems, her and her incessant yelling and down grading me and telling me just how worthless I am. Its enough to drive anyone over the edge really... So yeah, I shall let you know how that goes of course because you lot are the only people that I can relate to and be completely honest and open with, if it wasn't for this blogging I would have broken down ages ago! Please my lovelys, don't Ever start crying on your teachers, because that is what started all of this off, and I don't want you to have to go through any of this... Blessed be :) <3

Oh wow, you're fat...

I just love how opinionated I have become, its great, all I have to do is step out of my house and look around, BAM at least 20 fat people :L I don't even have to step out of the house really, my mothers not the thinnest in the world, and her boyfriend's no spring chicken either. Oh I'm so nice :) Its just great thinspiration really, you wake up to a fattie eating downstairs and think, oh yes, you keep eating that because for everything you eat, it means I don't have to... That's not the case today however because its Sunday (Sinday) and as i have mentioned countless times before, the WORST day of the week... Ever. No many people would say Monday was, but its not, because Sinday, is the only day of the entire week, that my (very dysfunctional) family sits down at the table in the dining room together and gorges down the food by the masses. The Only day of the week where I get pressured into eating more than I can chew, and the only day of the week that there is always some sticky, fatty, awful looking desert for after the fat session. Yes, you should right about now be feeling my pain. And if you aren't then this probably happens to you as well which means you can relate to me entirely, Yay -.-. Not being sarcastic or anything but I really don't want this to happen to anyone else so if you can relate then well I'm terribly sorry for that... :/ I'm afraid I shall have to walk the dog for like three hours today to get my fat levels down to a decent amount before all that shit enters my body and builds them up again... Then it shall be about a million crunches before bed and anything else I can think of the get rid of it (I can't purge lately because my family found out about the whole Ana stuff and well purging is off limits because I'm trying to make them think I am normal again so they will stop bugging me...) Oh the joys of being 15 and living with your family -.- I hope your days will go a lot better than mine will, Keep your thoughts light and your weight even lighter :) Mmm hipbones, why do you hate me?! <3

I used to know you so well...

Isn't it funny how when you were little, you had this one group of like 4 friends that you did EVERYTHING with, yet now you realise that you never talk to any of them anymore, its like the differences that brought you together when you were younger are the things that push you apart now you are older? You could have had a great sports friend and now she can't talk to you because you aren't in their sports team, or you could have had a shy but amazing person as a friend, and now she is still a bit shy but is in with the "popular" crowd at school so its forbidden to talk to her... Or is that just England? Maybe not even England, but the north west at least... And now, after finding another amazing best friend whom I was so sure I would have as a friend forever I think I'm losing her! I know I shouldn't be ranting about something as silly as this but really, she was the one person who knew everything about me, and now she is drifting away from me, all because of some stupid complications and her having to be torn between the people she lives with and me... I don't know what I am going to do, but I refuse to loose her. ANYWAY ¬_¬ after that lovely rant, I have figured what my best motivation for not eating is at the moment, sitting there reading or on the internet with an untouched cupcake within your vision and not allowing yourself to eat it. Its amazing, like I can do anything because I can refrain from eating this silly fatty snack! That might just be me as well, I'm just a bit weird see but well, I recommend trying it if you are having difficulty with not eating :) I hope you are all happy and starving like you should be, Stay strong <3 

Hallelujah

Its still me, just in a different place... As you may or may not know I had to delete my other blog for various reasons one of which was that my mother saw it and all hell broke loose, therefore she made me sit downstairs and she watched whilst I deleted the one thing keeping me sane. It was terrible, and she thinks that i don't want to make another blog again, but this one has to be kept a secret from my family, it has to! No one apart from us Ana can know, and I mean no one, not even my friend Emily who is also Ana, because her foster family started a lot of this shit with social services and counsellors off, so really its just common knowledge that she can't know about this one because even though she thinks it was god that told her foster family the way to my blog, I'm pretty sure it was the bookmark she had of my blog on her laptop that showed them the way, she seems to think that this is gods work and its all going to be okay, but she isn't the one that's being effected by her stupid foster families actions, I am. Sorry I'm ranting now, I tend to do that a lot but hey, you should know really if you were connected to my old blog which I'm assuming some of you were... I have missed not posting to you guys, It was awful having my only ounce of sanity taken away from me, but now I have it back and I'm never letting go again. Ana is my life now its who I am and what I want to be when I wake up in the morning, So on that note, I leave you my dearest friends with a bit of thinspiration... <3