Maybe I'm over thinking, maybe not.

I had a horrible thought today. A thought that I'd been keeping out of my head since I was 16. From when I was 16 I'd started properly noticing my father acting really weirdly around me. Like, he'd acted odd around me since day one because he'd rather not have me, but not that kind of weird. And then when I was 17 he wrote 'nice boobs' in my birthday card and I was like 'Why are you even looking at my boobs?' And its just, the weird little things he does, it creeps me out a bit. Then the other day he was talking to me, this was before he'd made me cry, and he was saying how he cant wait until I'm 18 and a grown up and that I was such a beautiful person now and that he wanted to take me out drinking and its kind of scaring me a bit. I know father's are supposed to compliment their daughters, I know that, but when you go from having a father that tells you how little he wants to do with you and how awful you are and unworthy and stuff to a dad complimenting your boobs, how am I supposed to comprehend that? It could just be me over-reacting but the closer I get to 18 the more he's complimenting me and telling me how he's going to take me out more and I'm just sitting there awkwardly thinking 'When I hit 18 do I even want to see you? You're creeping me out.' Normally I wouldn't put this kind of scepticism on here because I'd have been told that its all in my head by someone but now I have no one to talk to about these things that I trust so its just been going round my head for days and I needed to get it out and see if anyone else can make sense of it, I don't expect anyone to be able to because it probably is just me being me and over thinking but I don't know, I was hoping someone else could tell me what they thought about it?
 I start college again on monday and once again I can't have a new bag because my mother is paying for my brother's rent, because he can't pay for it himself with the money he got working this summer, oh no, that would be awful, suggesting that he pay for something himself. My college bag is breaking under the weight of my pads but I'll have to wait, again because my brother is always the priority. I mean, I don't mind coming second to his majesty, but everyone at my college is so...pretentious. You wouldn't even think it because of where it is, but everyone expects people to have a whole new wardrobe everytime we come back from a holiday and a new bag and new shoes and I'm not rich enough to keep up with everyone's expectations. There aren't even any decent bags in charity shops, so its not like I can get a new one from there because they aren't big enough or strong enough or they're breaking. Normally it wouldn't get to me, being late getting what I need, because I'm not greedy, I can usually sew my bags back together and they look decent enough until I get a new one, but this one is breaking at the metal, you can't sew metal, unfortunately, so when the handle snaps, it won't be sew-able. I just hope it lasts until I can get a new one. One day, when I'm rich, I'll be able to afford lovely new bags and shoes and clothes for every season. (Yeah right, I'll never be rich, I'm only average) My hair has started growing back from when I pulled it out around exam times, its about ear length now.
 He goes away to uni soon. He'll have a different life and he won't even know I exist. Story of my life, he'll remember her of course.
 I am low again, about 1. I just want to hug my pillow and fall into a sleep that I don't wake up from. Nothing helps, I have nothing and no one to help. I just hope I don't break my clean streak. I bought lots of plasters though, preparing for the inevitable. There's no point fooling myself into thinking I won't fall back. Bye my Angels <3