Craving the love I never got.

I really don't know how my Father could have been the offspring of people as kind and caring as my Grandparents. My Nana L is the most wonderful person in the world, so thoughtful and quirky and she always does little things for me that make me smile and I love her to bits. My Grandad K doesn't talk much but you can tell he loves me, he has adult conversations with me about the world and he teaches me gardening and birds, he is completely special in his own way and I love him to bits. My father is a self-obsessed, self-indulgent, lazy scrounger who lives off of my nan and grandad and hates everything that causes him to have to stop going to the pub every night and spending all his (dole) money there. In other words, he hates the fact I exist. He probably hates me. If you haven't guessed already, I saw my father today. after he'd been at the pub first of course, he couldn't ever come and talk to me without a few pints under his belt, heaven forbid he had to deal with me sober. He handed me a bag my nan had sent with him and it had puzzles in it and I was so happy (because I'm a saddo) I'd ran out of my last puzzles in the other book she sent for me last time so I had nothing to do (See, thoughtful) and my grandad had been on the train (with his little rail card that he got this year and is really pleased with because he gets really cheap or free train travel) to Leicester and gone to a little sweet shop his mother used to take him to apparently and brought me back the sweet he always used to have. They're actually wonderful grandparents, I couldn't ask for better. So after he'd handed me the bag he then proceeded to ask me where my purse was and why I wasn't buying the coffee's that he'd said he'd buy, because it was high time that I started buying the drinks. Then we sat for an hour whilst he talked about his legal battle with his old workplace and how life had never cut him a break and how nothing had ever worked out right for him (Can you imagine how that made me feel? 'Nothing has ever gone right in my life' Oh, thanks pops, I am sitting right here you know) And then, just before I left him so he could go to the pub he starts bitching about my mum and how she is 'an evil succubus' (He plays a lot of rpg games with all of his spare time) and how she always used to cheat on him and stuff and I was just sat there like 'I really don't need to hear this, can you not just, for once, change the subject from how evil my mother is and maybe, ask about my day? No, of course not.' He just makes me so mad and upset all at the same time. He's so thoughtless and inconsiderate and then, to top it all off, he started saying about how he was always there for me throughout my childhood. NO YOU WEREN'T YOU FUCKING LIAR. I had every second weekend at my nan's house. It was marked on the calendar as 'dad's weekend' and every time I went there until I was about 12 I hoped and prayed that my dad would turn up, would take interest in me, his only daughter, I hoped he'd turn up at least, even if he ignored me, and every birthday and quite a few christmas day's I was always let down. How dare he tell me that he was always there for me throughout my whole childhood! How dare he have the cheek to say that. And then he hands me money at the end and tells me that is all I come to see him for, so he can give me money for a drink. Hah, no, sorry dad, you're the alcoholic, not me, I don't want your money, I want your attention, I want you to be interested in my life, I don't want you to give me a pay off like that is worth more than the attention I crave from you. I need to sleep anger off. Bye my Angels <3