He genuinely wants me dead.

I think I've decided on the general idea for my first tattoo, I have been thinking about it forever now and I've always known I've wanted at least one but I never knew what, I didn't want any of those overdone ones like stars on the back of the neck or a tramp stamp but at the same time I didn't want it to be so completely weird that it just looked a bit out of place. I've been reading a lot of my brother's old biology books lately and I read about this really painful process a dragonfly has to go through to become a dragonfly, like, it literally has to tear its way out of its skin and in a weird (probably cringey way to people reading) I can relate to that, I'm still going through that whole wanting to be what I have the potential to be but staying in this old skin because I know its safe and people can only judge me so much in it. I don't know, it just sounds like a cute tattoo. I also want it over my scars. Top of my thigh kind of place because I think, if I'm ever going to fully move on from this (which I still doubt I will as I keep relapsing to fuck) then I'll need something there stopping me from slicing myself when it all gets tough. And that place on me, its one of the only places that I will cut. Its a safe place for me because unless I'm going in the pool or something no one ever sees it. I don't know, its just an idea. I also like the sound of some form of birdcage with something else somewhere on me, one of those old style ones with the intricate patterns and stuff. I don't know why I'm telling you guys this, I guess its for confirmation? Like, if that sounds like an awful idea I know you guys will tell me because you're probably the most honest people I have in my life right now.
 In other news, my mother found evidence that her boyfriend is cheating on her when he goes travelling for work and she didn't kick him out. She didn't believe that he'd cheat on her, she thought he was just boasting to his friends or something so he's still living in this house and still calling us all names when he thinks we cant hear and still drinking all the time. I passed my AS levels, not with the marks I necessarily wanted but I passed and can get better marks this year hopefully so that's good I guess. I had 6 blades ready for if I'd have failed so now they're sat under my books, waiting.
 I woke up with a swollen mouth this morning, I don't know what had happened when I'd been sleeping but it looked like the elephant man had taken up residence on my face. thankfully its gone down quite a bit now but its still there and it hurts like hell. 
 I haven't seen my dad in a while but that's not a surprise, I disappointed him again because I didn't get all A's like he'd told his friends I would. I AM SORRY I AM NOT PERFECT. Its like he doesn't realise that bigging me up to ridiculous levels is only going to make those levels crash further than if they were average, like I am. I mean, I wish I could be more than average, but I'm not, its not like I don't try, I revise and I learn and I try and I'm still average, I just wasn't cut out to be a genius, its as simple as that. I messaged him my results on results day and his reply was "Oh well, at least you can still go into the army and do something with your life, even if you do die early." Thanks daddykins, love u 2. Sometimes I think people think I'm exaggerating when I say my father would rather see me dead than have to deal with me. Haha, yep, course I am. Anyway. Bye my Angels <3