I am in too deep for my good.

Oh god, I am in trouble. This always happens, I don't even know why this happens, at all, its not right, its not normal. I don't know how I am going to deal with this. Surely there's something completely off with me. I mean, falling for so many people that my friends also like has to be something like a major flaw in personality. How it happened this time I do not know. I was just sitting at home, I hadn't even seen him in the day or anything, it wasn't one of those 'I'm attracted to you because you look so fucking gorgeous' kind of times, I could have totally understood myself if it was because I am that shallow. But it wasn't, I've barely met him before, he's just so real. He doesn't try and understand me like other people do, which is such a breath of fresh air. Maybe its just one of those things where he's nice to me so I'm attracted to him because barely anyone is. I don't know. This is wrong on so many levels. I don't fall for people. I am not sure why its happening now, I had everything planned out. I'd finish college, go to uni and study psychology, then take a course in teaching primary children and then I'd get a job and then and only then would I think about settling down, would I even think about being serious with someone. I am so conflicted, she's one of my best friends and I'd never want to hurt her over something like this but then again, she isn't Actually with him or anything so I guess its sort of like free meat to a tiger until he's tied down...Right? Oh god. No. I shouldn't be talking about him like he's mine for the taking, he obviously doesn't like me at all. We barely speak, when we do its brief and friendly, he's into my friend, I need to get back onto the life plan. I am not right for anybody, if I was, people would be able to deal with me and I'd have the potential to have someone in my life for more than a quick meaningless fling whilst they look for their next long term relationship. Sometimes I really hate the fact that I am not meant to be happy with anybody. I miss that hope of finding somebody special and different than all the other men in my life. I miss that want of finding someone brilliant that will take me away on a white horse and make me forget the fact I am worthless and hopeless and fucking disgusting. Haha, he probably doesn't even know I exist. Or he doesn't care because I'm not her. I will never be her, she's perfect and I'm not even average. Anyway, sorry that didn't make much sense. Bye my Angels <3